To think that my SIL is a selfish cow? (long rant....!)(57 Posts)
Backstory: I am Australian and have lived in the UK for 10 years. I have not always had the best relationship with SIL, but as she appears to make my brother happy, I have tried to be nice to her. It does help that she lives on the other side of the world and I only have to see her for a week or so at a time every 1-2 years!
We (my new partner, 2DSS's and my DS) are going to see my family at Easter next year. I suggested to my DM that we might be spending some time visiting some theme parks while we are there, and would the rest of the family (DF, DM, Dbro, SIL, Dneice and Dnephew, and other DBro) would like to come along and spend a couple of days going to the theme parks with the children and generally spending time together.
I suggested we stay at the attached hotel, so less travelling and we can all enjoy a couple of days away together - as a family.
I also suggested we do this on Easter Sunday and Easter Monday as this would be convenient for our travel plans as well as meaning no-one would have to take time off work/school.
I said that if they couldn't afford it not to worry and we would still see them when we go over, so no loss really, but it would be nice to spend time together.
DM said she would speak to DBro, SIL and other DBro and would let me know. She spoke to Dbro and SIL on the weekend. Apparently SIL has said that they won't go as since we've organised it over the Easter weekend it will be too busy with too many people there (totally true - it will be busy but not so much that we won't be able to have fun!). BUT - the main reason they're not going is that it means SIL won't see her family on Easter Sunday.
Sil's parents and sister live 5 minutes from her house. They look after the children for them after school. They speak multiple times a day. They see each other every day and spend every Friday night at her parents house for pizza and a movie. They have spent every Easter and Xmas since my Dbro and SIL got married with her family (much to the detriment of my parents who would also like to spend time with the DGS and their DS and DIL).
AIBU to expect SIL to spend 2 days with me and my family without her family being present - especially when I am giving her 5 months notice and WE ARE TRAVELLING HALF WAY AROUND THE WORLD TO GET THERE?
SIL has also spent a lot of time in emails (and in person when I'm in Oz) telling me that DS should get to spend time with his cousins (ie her DC) and that I am depriving him of his family by living in the UK (guilt trip much?) Now that I am giving DS and DNeice and Dnephew time to spend together, she says no (probably because she wants them to see their cousins on her side - that they see everyday!)
Also - WIBU to tell SIL when I go home and she decides to invite her family to see me (which will happen) that it will be too busy with too many people and I'm there to see my family?
YABU I think.
If she wants to spend a holiday with her family that's up to her. She does it all the time. It's a tradition.
I go to my DM's for Christmas breakfast. If inlaws came over at Christmas (will NEVER happen, they couldn't be bothered) I would invite them along but I wouldn't cancel that plan. It's what we do. I wouldn't change it.
I assume your children will see hers over the holiday anyway.
I think YANBU to think they could make the effort.
But you did say in your OP 'not to worry if they can't come, no loss', so I'm not quite sure why you're so upset?
I think YABU - unless these two days are the only days where your kids will see hers?
Spending two days going round theme parks during a public holiday is my idea of hell - maybe she feels the same way and is just giving you an excuse?
I think YANBU but surprised that you are surprised...being Aussie living in UK for nearly a decade myself, I now expect all the "can't wait to catch up" brigade to be busy with mundane everyday stuff when we are back on holiday.
Yes - the children will see each other, so it's not like they won't have fun while we're there.
I agree that if she wants to spend time with her family she can - but why bug me about seeing us more and spending time with us then deny the opportunity on the 1st occasion there is?
And <drip feed sorry!> she didn't consult my DBro about this when my DM suggested it - she just flat out said no. What if he'd like to go? What if he'd like the children to spend time together? She thinks her family are more important than mine/DBro's family. She doesn't mind changing her plans to suit herself or her family.... Just not mine.
I think I am upset as I thought they'd jump at the chance. If they couldn't afford it, or they were working or something like that then I could understand them not being able to attend, but the fact that she is favouring her family over mine, when I'm making the effort to fly halfway around the world to see them.... It just grates a bit.
I can see why you're irritated. I would be too. But there's bugger all you can do so don't dwell on it. Shrug and move on.
Haha ems - you're right - everyone is too busy to see me when I go home.... Usually washing their hair, or doing the grocery shopping!
Maybe my brother will finally speak up and say something?
You're right Josh - no point getting pissed off for the next 5 months over something that I can't change (and she won't change her mind either, so it's a done deal).
Well next time she moans about all of your children spending time together at least you can say you tried.
You love theme parks and don't mind crowds. They're my idea of hell on earth, particularly on a busy bank holiday.
Maybe she feels like i do and is just trying to decline tactfully?
But it's not her fault that DBro doesn't speak up (if, indeed he would prefer to spend time with your family).
You're not flying halfway around the world to see her though, are you? She probably sensese you don't really like her and doesn't want to change her plans on that basis.
Of course, she could genuinely not like theme parks. I totally hate them (although would suggest DH took DS and went with the rest of the family in that situation, to be fair)
I would rather have a gun held to my head than go to a theme park, stay in a theme park hotel especially over one of the busiest weekends of the year. I can't imagine ever using my hard earned cash for the privilege.
Call your bro to double check. She sounds like a PITA
Well tbh I do see that a theme park over a really busy weekend might not be everyone's cup of tea but at least you'll all get together at some point. Just to add fuel to the flames, with 5 months to go I don't see why you can't talk to your DB directly?
I totally agree about the theme parks - I'm not actually the hugest fan myself but we figured that this is a one off family holiday and the DC will love it - so I'll have to live with the crowds and the busyness!
But you are correct that we're not going to see her - we're going to see her DC and my brother though.
I think a subtle email to my brother might be in order just to ensure I am not blaming her when actually he doesn't want to go either.....
dammit mumsnet! Why do I always feel like IABU???!
My sil is like this. My bro doesnt see his family much but bro & sil see hers all the time. We all live within 5 mins of each other but they cant spare 2 minutes to see us. Its the kids that are missing out imo.
Can I point out something else you haven't thought of - if her parents do after school care for them, then that set of Grandparents do a lot to help your DBro and SIL to function, they do the "hard work" side of being involved grandparents, they probably have to do disipline, homework, they have given up a lot of retired 'fun' time to help their DD. It might be that your Dbro and SIL feel that her parents have "earned" the right to expect the "fun" family times of Christmas and Easter.
If she cancels to see you it would be a bit like saying "oh, thanks for all the hard work, but now the side of the family who do'nt help us out are doing somehting more fun, we're cancelling our plans with you."
Could your DBro and SIL afford to pay for childcare? Because if not, they might think it be better family politics to piss you off rather than piss them off.
You're not always unreasonable Your Maj. You were very good at the Olympics.
That's it wild - why should her family get precedence over mine? Especially when I know that my Dparents would love to spend more time with them and the DGS. I feel sorry for the kids because (in my totally biased opinion) my parents are much more fun!
Thanks wilson that parachuting was difficult with my hip but I thought the nation deserved it!
Yanbu to want to spend time with dbro and his family
Ya only bu to pick such a tortuous, inherently evil way of doing it
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