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Inlaws/parents

(28 Posts)
Chattymummyhere Tue 06-Nov-12 15:41:23

This is more from my dh point of view so his parents but my inlaws. May be long.

Anyway ever since we had our son they have always had a thing about just asking for him not asking if we as a family would like to join them, one example was a kite festival rather than asking if we would all like to join them for the day they just asked if they could take our son even though its a free event etc.

Also with digging about having him by themselves via other family members and comments such as "Aunty X wants to know when I'm next having the boy so we can have a play date", Aunty X has never mentioned to us about wanting to arrange a play date with her DGD and our DS regardless of who would be looking after DS but it comes out of MILS mouth a lot.

Anyway fast forward and we also have a DD now, however the invites still remain the same would DGS, never both and about 1% of the time would we as a family.

Its the same if they bring DS a chocolate bar/milkshake/yoghurt round they will not of brought anything round for DD.. Again MIL goes "I told grandad I was going to buy DGS a new fleece so he gave me money to buy both one"..

Now the Inlaws are by no means short of cash and its not spending that is the issue its the fact its always om favor of DS while DD is basically ignored.

The children are only young both preschool and under ages, Dh seems to hope they will just start to realize that the way they are treating the children differently is wrong and they will change at some point. However I believe if he really wants things to change he needs to have words. MIL has also started being funny with me this month but that would be a whole different thread.

So who is being unreasonable? Us for expecting them to treat their only grandchildren equally? Oh for just having a fingers crossed approach or me for saying just talk to them?

pictish Tue 06-Nov-12 15:43:48

I wouldn't tolerate it myself. Bringing chocolate for one but not the other??!! What's that all about?

No, if it were me, words would be had.

Floralnomad Tue 06-Nov-12 15:46:06

Your husband needs to tell them that they either treat the DCs equally or they are not welcome . Don't ever let them take DS out alone .

pictish Tue 06-Nov-12 15:47:27

Actually yes Floral is right there - I wouldn't be having words...I would make sure my dh did though! They're his parents, and he should sort this out.

I fucking despise favouritism. It's cruel.

MerryMarigold Tue 06-Nov-12 15:53:16

It depends on how old your dd is. If she is still a baby (say under a year), then I can understand it may look like it's more in favour of ds. My Dad is very close to my ds1, partly because he was first, and to be honest, I really appreciate their relationship. It's helped so much with ds1's confidence in the face of twin siblings. Having said that, there's no way he'd buy a present now (ds1 is 7) for my ds1 and not his siblings (now 4). But when ds1 was 4 and the twins were 1 this could have happened. I didn't see it as favouritism, but just that he was more bonded with ds1 as he'd been around for longer. I think you should have a quiet word, but phrase it very lightly and perhaps more in questions eg. "Have noticed that sometimes you have bought things for ds, but not for his sister...why is that?" You may get a very sensible answer...

MerryMarigold Tue 06-Nov-12 15:54:59

Reading between the lines, I'd say you have issues with your ILs and have perhaps perceived something in a negative way which is not meant to be negative.

squeakytoy Tue 06-Nov-12 15:57:14

Do you have an objection to allowing your son to be taken out by his grandparents?

FryOneFatManic Tue 06-Nov-12 15:59:54

*squeakytoyTue 06-Nov-12 15:57:14
Do you have an objection to allowing your son to be taken out by his grandparents?*

I would have a strong objection if it was always the DS being taken out and never the DD.....

Chattymummyhere Tue 06-Nov-12 16:04:15

I do have my own personal issues with the inlaws however I started the thread because DH brought it up the other night how they only want DS and only bring things for DS.

My own issue is the fact they cannot be trusted they lie and lie some more when they have had DS, bring him back hours late, take him to certain places after being told not to because he was poorly, not giving him any food or drink when they had him for a few hours taken straight out of bed.

They have had both children together once it was supposed to be for 1 hour, both children where brought back after 30minutes, if they have DS they bring him back late and never have had DD by herself.

pictish Tue 06-Nov-12 16:05:37

How old are the children?

pregnantpause Tue 06-Nov-12 16:05:52

I would have words,, or rather dh would. Dh would in fact, be angry at his parents for ignoring his dd/favouring ds. To me its all or nothing, you treat/have/holiday with both dc or neither. I hate favouritism.

DuelingFanjo Tue 06-Nov-12 16:09:26

"bring him back hours late, take him to certain places after being told not to because he was poorly, not giving him any food or drink when they had him for a few hours "

this would be enough to make me re-think them spending time with him.

Chattymummyhere Tue 06-Nov-12 16:15:35

Wrote a response and then mumsnet went offline..

DS is 3 however he is harder to look after, DD is 1, although acts older than her year..

I don't see that age should really play much of a part of it, they do not know DD that well because they have never made the effort with her and because of that she does not really know them or like them too much. Even DS is going off them so to speak and only wants to be out with them if SIL is there otherwise he does not want to go.

BlueberryHill Tue 06-Nov-12 16:25:17

Agree with DeulingFanjo, that isn't looking after him, its treating him like a toy or something. How can you not feed him or give him a drink? I wouldn't let them take him out alone TBH.

That is before the favouritism sets in, I have a DS and two twins, so GPs do take DS out on his own. For me though, I find that really helpful as the twins take up so much of mine and DH time, that is it really nice for DS1 to have someones undivided attention. As the twins grow up, I expect that will change. Neither set of GPs favour one child over another in terms of attention or love. It may be that two children are more difficult for GPs to handle, but that doesn't explain never taking your DD out. Favouritism will create real problems as the children grown, time to nip it in the bud.

Mousefunk Tue 06-Nov-12 16:31:27

Yanbu. Favouritism really gets my goat.. We had a similar problem with DH dad and stepmum and we now don't talk to them..(many other reasons too). May seem extreme but it needs nipping in the bud before the kids get to an age where they realise.. They could potentially get a complex.

I'd advise confronting them firstly and see if anything changes, they genuinely might not realise that they're doing it/that its offending you.

NoTeaForMe Tue 06-Nov-12 16:36:37

Have they taken your son out alone since he was one or is it more of a recent thing? Could it be that they don't want the extra responsibility/trouble of such a little person?

As for gifts, there's no excuse, they either buy nothing or something for both of them! Your husband needs to talk to them asap.

Chattymummyhere Tue 06-Nov-12 16:46:07

They had him alone before he was one, but due to the lies/lateness etc they have not had him as much as they want to..

It came up in discussion because Saturday they rang to ask if they could just take DS to Aunty Z's house for fireworks/sparklers.. This phone call was also minutes before they wanted him ready if we said yes. DH made a lot of noise about "Don't worry DD we will take you to see some fireworks etc" DS's first fireworks they took us all to a professional display, and the next year we all went again. Not really any family invites since I was pregnant with DD.

Justforlaughs Tue 06-Nov-12 17:10:16

I'm so glad that this thread mentions Auntie X because i thought it was my DSil for a minute! It's out of order if they used to take your DS out when he was 1, however I could understand it IF they don't want to take responsibility for a 1 year old but find a 3 year old easier to cope with.

Sirzy Tue 06-Nov-12 17:15:33

When they bring chocolate for just one I would make a big thing about splitting it between both.

I would probably go as far as stopping them taking your DS out unless they take your DD a similar amount of times. Doesn't need to be both together if that is too much but it needs stopping before they are old enough to notice

BlueberryHill Tue 06-Nov-12 17:19:02

Are the children 'safe' with them, not being alarmist but not feeding them or giving them something to drink is pretty basic. What else are they not doing?

pumpkinsweetie Tue 06-Nov-12 17:20:45

Poor dd, it will affect her if nothing is saidsad
If they buy for one, they must buy for both and also take turns in having one at a time or both together.
Can't stand favouritism especially when it segrates a child, it is wrong!!!

Stand firm, tell them straight it's both or none at all. If they send sweets/toys for ds share them between them or if thats impossible send the gift/sweets back to the gps.

pumpkinsweetie Tue 06-Nov-12 17:25:56

Just read that your dd is only one!
You are looking far too much into it based on the fact your dd is still really young and can't really have sweets as such and one yo can be tiring to look after also.

If dd was older my above post would be more relevent, but it isn't.

midseasonsale Tue 06-Nov-12 17:58:39

I would make DS share everything he is given - fleeces, chocolate etc. Split everything right in front of their eyes and talk about being fair

waltermittymissus Tue 06-Nov-12 18:08:04

I don't know.

DD is just a baby. Maybe when she's older they will ask to take her too.

Either way, your DH is being a bit ridiculous "making noises" about taking DD somewhere else. Why doesn't he man up and say something about it?

DeWe Tue 06-Nov-12 18:24:38

It's very different taking a 3yo or a 1yo out on their own or taking them both. I find it's much easier taking only one of mine out than two and they're 12, 9 and 5 wink

I suspect they think that dd won't mind in the way ds will, and they're right. However the question is at what point will they think she minds?

Because it's easy to see the first child as a very sensible grown up child at 18 months, and the second child seems such a baby (because you're comparing them to the older one at their older age) at eighteen months.

For the treats they bring, I'd make an issue of sharing where appropriate-they may just have not thought of bringing one for dd. So if you say "thank you, dd loves X too, so I'll share it" they may think "oops hadn't thought she was old enough" and bring one next time.

Perhaps you could suggest they take dd out-suggest somewhere they took ds. If they say she's too young, then you can point out they took ds.
Maybe then they will take dd to some things. Have some reason why ds can't go the first time, so they can't arrive and say "ds can come too".

On the Aunty X playdates, it may be that they have friends with grandchildren ds's age, not dd's age.

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