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to think this was ok? or is my cousin right?

(8 Posts)
DragonMamma Tue 06-Nov-12 14:51:56

I'll try to keep this short.

I broke my foot last week, I'm in plaster. My cousin is halfway through her pregnancy. We speak every day and are close.

It was half term here last week when I broke my foot, I have 2dc's and my DM has one.

She came around Friday morning to help me with the kids (3rd full day of being in plaster and not able to walk), do some cleaning and unpack a food shop that I had ordered as well as get 2 kids ready to go out for the afternoon.

My cousin rang that morning and said she was planning on coming up with her DS to see me, I explained it was manic and my mum was flat out trying to get everything done and would she mind coming up another time as being I was laid up, I couldn't help my dm and felt it was a lot to add seeing to her niece on top of everything else and would have meant all the stuff she had come to do wouldn't have gotten done and my dm's days to help are limited at best.

I thought this was ok and have spoken to her around 6 times since Friday and was shocked to find out from our GM that she was mortally offended I didn't invite her up. I text her to apologise if I hurt her feelings or didn't explain properly but that isn't the case and she felt I shouldn't have asked her to come up another time as she would never do this. She also brought up the fact she had invited me down when her friend was at her house recently, when I offered to leave them to it as I didn't know this girl well, but she insisted I come down regardless.

Obviously there were extenuating circs Friday and I wouldn't usually ask if another time was ok but she has really hauled me over the coals for daring to ask if she would mind coming another, quieter time.

Was I completely rude??

DragonMamma Tue 06-Nov-12 14:53:25

Just to add, I didn't say to her I thought her.coming up was adding to my dm's load, I just thought that. I just explained the situation to her as it was.

Justforlaughs Tue 06-Nov-12 15:05:32

Depends on how you said it and whether she intended coming round to help. From what you've said no YWNBU, but I can imagine that it could come across that way if she felt that you were saying her help wasn't good enough. I would have thought that an apology and an explanation, if she misunderstood would be enough to clear the air though.

redskyatnight Tue 06-Nov-12 15:08:24

I can see both sides really. I understand that you didn't want to add to your mum's workload. However ... a family member that you're close to is a bit different from a random visitor. I expect your cousin is hurt that you thought she would be in the way, when actually she might well have pitched in and helped out (certainly I'd assume she'd do that, rather than sitting down and expecting to be waited on). Also, it's all very well to suggest coming another time, but in fact school holidays are generally a much better time to visit relatives with children than trying to fit visits round weekends when people generally have other things on.

Thamesmead Tue 06-Nov-12 15:12:36

If there is one golden rule of life, it is that whatever you do, for whatever reasons, someone will be completely offended by it.

This goes double for people who let you find out through the grapevine that they're offended instead of telling you directly.

Let it go. If she's got a problem, she either tells you directly, since you speak every day and she's a grown adult (one would hope, since she's 20 weeks pregnant), or else you're just reinforcing her passive aggressiveness and causing yourself all kinds of trouble while you have your foot in plaster.

NervousAt20 Tue 06-Nov-12 15:19:35

I think she's over reacting tbh and she should completely understand given the circumstances

DragonMamma Tue 06-Nov-12 15:20:27


I thought and apology and explanation would have been enough but she keeps telling me I was in the wrong and I'm not sure if I was.

She was intending it to be a social visit and she's having twins and has had some bleeding so I know she wouldn't have felt comfortable lifting crates of shopping etc.

I've apologised a lot now if I didn't explain it well or in such a way that her feelings wetent hurt but not for not inviting her up on what was an incredibly busy morning with lots of rushing around.

The PAness has annoyed me too and I had my GM telling me I should have had her up regardless of situation

Paiviaso Tue 06-Nov-12 15:22:58

YANBU, you are allowed to say no to people coming over, even close family! You had good reasons (you can't walk and therefore can't host!) so unless your cousin went on to say she was coming over to lend a hand, then it truly wasn't convenient for her to come.

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