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To not want my children to be looked after by my parents?

(18 Posts)
BoysBoysBoysAndMe Tue 06-Nov-12 09:54:03

Ds1 is 6. Ds2 is 16 months. Ds3 is due to be born any day (I'm overdue)

Pil have Jo contact with our children as dh and them have always had a difficult relationship.

My dm and df have been separated for 20 years. My dad brought me and my db up.

I see my mum weekly, though she is a functioning alcoholic an she has never looked after the children. She has offered many times. But we refuse.

Dad is living with his partner. They've been together ten years + but we only found out about it 3 years ago ish.

Now I know in a bit of a clean and tidy freak, but df house is a mess. Crap everywhere. They border on being hoarders. House is dirty too. They rarely Hoover, dirty kitchen, have to move things to sit down, just dirty and messy. We rarely go round.

His partner makes me feel unwelcome and she has a bad attitude, is rude, doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut, is bone idle, thinks she's being funny when actually she's just being childish.

Anyway, they have seen our ds2 maybe 20 times at most since he was born.

Df has just rang me and offered to look after the boys when I go into labour. I said we've already arranged their are between my best friend and my brother-depending what time I go into labour, how long I lasts etc

He started having a go at me asking what the problem is with them looking after our boys, rather than us leaving the boys with strangers. (They see the boys every week, my dad doesn't know my friend) he said the boys can stay at his house, they're both there to look after them, they know what they're doing etc.

He is now deeply offended I refused the offer, cut short the conversation and was wally short with me.

Would you let him have the boys when you're in labour if you were me?

I'm so annoyed he's made me feel guilty, and worrying about he feels.

Ilovewaleswhenitrains Tue 06-Nov-12 09:56:46

I definitely would not let him look after your children. Keep to your original plans and concentrate on the birth of your baby.

Justforlaughs Tue 06-Nov-12 09:57:08

I wouldn't feel guilty about it at all. If the boys were really close to hm it would be different, but it will be far easier on them to be with someone they already know well. If you do feel really bad about it, is there anyway your Dad could come to yours to look after them?

plantsitter Tue 06-Nov-12 09:58:28

You don't want to be worrying about your boys while you're in labour so stick with your best friend/ bro options.

You could (if you're worried) say that it's nice to have lots of options so you might ask if the timing etc makes them the best option - but knowing that they won't be!

Your df has no right to be offended, though, so you could just ignore him until he's ready to behave sensibly.

NellyJob Tue 06-Nov-12 09:59:01

well it is nice that he has offered......he is thinking of you and your family and your needs, for that he gets a gold star....other than that I really don't know - is their house so messy to be a health hazard?
also 'having a go at you' is a bit crap - I really do not know what to suggest.

DeWe Tue 06-Nov-12 11:05:05

"Thank you for your offer. I've already accepted XX to look after them. However I know there are times they can't do, and I'm really grateful for you offering."

monica77798 Tue 06-Nov-12 11:19:22

It is understandable why your dad might be annoyed, but they are your kids and you should do what you think is best. as others said, you don't want to be worrying about them while you are in labour

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Tue 06-Nov-12 11:37:03

There are a couple of reasons I don't want him to look after them.

Firstly, he doesn't know my boys, particularly the youngest, because he rarely sees them. Ds2 won't even go over to my dad when he visits because he's effectively a stranger to him.

My dad doesn't know what they like, don't like, what their routines are, anything really. He knows nothing about my children. So my boys, more so the youngest, would be unsettled with him-or even stressed? I don't know.

Secondly, his house is a hazard. And they look after his partners gc quite regularly and some of the things my dad and his partner have said and done to the gc I haven't been impressed with. In fact, if they did it to my boys I'd hit the roof.

So I don't trust them to look after my boys either.

And it pisses me off that he makes no effort with my boys. Like I said I don't think he's seen them 20 times in the past year. He isn't interested.

Yet he thinks its ok to be offended when I politely decline childcare from him. I don't know-maybe I'm looking into it too much. I can see why he might be offended, but if he was a part of our every day lives things would be different.

Yet, I also feel a bit pressured into letting him look after the boys, just to keep the peace.

MamaGeorgia Tue 06-Nov-12 11:39:44

Wait until they are teenagers. Then you can send them over ALL THE TIME! LOL!

maillotjaune Tue 06-Nov-12 12:08:53

I think it's good of him to offer, but he shouldn't be getting pissed off that you have already made arrangements. If you had wanted him to look after your sons you would have thought about that option earlier, and I think if you have any choice in the matter (obviously not everyone does) then someone who sees your children regularly and who they know well is the best option.

Try not to feel guilty about declining the offer. If you think you didn't handle the conversation well and might have been a bit short, then apologise for that if you want but don't get embroiled in an ongoing argument about who will look after your children because that's your choice, not his.

megandraper Tue 06-Nov-12 12:13:58

you have to think of where the boys would be happiest - it will be a potentially stressful time for them too. it doesn't sound like they would be happiest with your dad (at the very least there's a good chance they wouldn't be at ease) so best to stick with what you've arranged IMO.

oohlaalaa Tue 06-Nov-12 12:38:58

Can you let your Dad and his partner, look after the boys, from your house?

Whenever my parents babysit, it's always at our house. It might seem odd to some, but we only live 10 minutes from them, they know where everything is, the house is child friendly, and they find it easier with all the baby stuff to hand. They live in an old farmhouse, with two dogs, and lots of clutter.

blackeyedsusan Tue 06-Nov-12 12:55:52

leave the boys with strangers... your dad and his oh are strangers to your boys.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Tue 06-Nov-12 13:02:28

I don't think I'd be happy with that either oohlala.

I know they leave his partners gd to cry to sleep when she wont settle and I don't trust them to not do that with my little one. Her parents are fine with it but I think it's mean.

Ds1 was playing up a bit for me once and my dad had had enough. He sternly pointed at ds1 and said "if you're not good for your mum, I will take those toys off you and you won't be allowed them." Ds1 was 4 and was visiting me in hospital after having ds2. Ds1 was upset by what my dad said, and I just felt that firstly it wasn't his place to say anything, and secondly, it wasn't appropriate for him to say anything as me and dh was there and ds1 was uncomfortable with me being in hospital etc.

I told him so at the time.

I don't like the uncaring, sometimes aggressive tone and attitude he has with kids sometimes. It can be quite intimidating for young ones who don't understand him. And my boys don't understand him as he rarely sees them.

HoratiaWinwood Tue 06-Nov-12 13:03:57

I agree with everyone else. You are not leaving the children with strangers.

Good luck!

DontmindifIdo Tue 06-Nov-12 13:06:14

You are a mother, your priority is to your DCs, not to your DF. Your DF's feelings being hurt by not getting to look after the DCs should not take priority over your DC's feelings and/or safety.

Sugarice Tue 06-Nov-12 13:11:13

Stick to your original plan and don't let your Dad make you feel bad.

It sounds as if your dc's would be upset if they had to be cared for by your Dad and his Partner so don't do it.

Good luck with the birth. smile

Justforlaughs Tue 06-Nov-12 13:13:41

Maybe suggest that if he wants to get to know your boys better then he'll be the first port of call NEXT time grin

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