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to disagree when my mum feels so strongly?

(24 Posts)
featherbag Tue 06-Nov-12 00:09:46

My lovely mum watches DS (13mo) up to 3 days a week while I'm at work - an arrangement reached after she got actually offended at my proposal of getting a childminder. I'm very grateful etc., and try to show this in all ways I can. I'm not complaining about how my mum cares for my DS, before anyone starts with 'well, you should pay for childcare...'.

DS was born at 32 weeks but has recently come on in leaps and bounds and has very nearly 'caught up'. We started weaning him at 23 weeks with purees (as per the prem weaning advice), but quite quickly moved on to finger foods etc., and he now eats pretty much what we do. Mum sat me down for 'a talk' today - she said she'd 'been thinking' and didn't think we should give DS chunks of food he could feed himself any more as she was worried he'd choke, in fact she thinks it's inevitable that he will eventually choke if we keep allowing him to eat this way. A few times he's gagged when he's shoved too much into his mouth, which my mum thinks is choking, but at no point has his airway been obstructed, DH and I see this as him learning how to eat!

I very bluntly (but nicely and politely) told my mum that how she feeds him when she has him is up to her and as long as he gets enough to eat I've no complaints, but when with me I'll continue feeding him how I choose. I did an awful lot of research before weaning and I'm doing it the recommended way - his diet is excellent and I don't think anything I give him is age inappropriate. She huffed for a while but accepted my changing the subject. AIBU to tell her (nicely) to butt out? It feels kinda wrong to be telling my mum I think she's wrong, but I feel very strongly about it!

SoleSource Tue 06-Nov-12 00:16:50

Must be very unpleasent watching a child regulary gagg on their food.

Procrasstinator Tue 06-Nov-12 00:19:55

I think that should be fine; you haven't objected to her doing it her way when she has him...

featherbag Tue 06-Nov-12 00:20:41

He doesn't regularly gag, it's happened a few times in the space of 4-5 months or so.

mymatemax Tue 06-Nov-12 00:20:50

No need to tell her to butt out, just say "OK we'll keep an eye on it" Carry on doing what you want, let her do what she wants.
He'll soon outgrow this phase & your Mums worries will be forgotten.

Procrasstinator Tue 06-Nov-12 00:23:20

Gagging is normal part of learning to eat solids

Choking is not!

Kewcumber Tue 06-Nov-12 00:24:40

I have a 26 week premmie (7 this month!) and I think he was on purrees a bit longer than 13 months (but probably not much on reflection).

The thing is that sooner or later you and your mum will disagree on something as you're not the same person. And one of the disadvantages of using parents for childcare is that they tend to have stronger opinions on matters.

Being firm but polite and sticking to your very reasonable -" do what you choose at your house as long as its healthy", is just fine. Being your mum doesn't make her infallible!

And the truth of the matter is that either approach will probably be just fine provided neither is taken to extremes.

thebody Tue 06-Nov-12 00:44:03

Get a childminder,, but then I am biased as I was a bloody good one.

NatashaBee Tue 06-Nov-12 00:51:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaliforniaLeaving Tue 06-Nov-12 02:02:08

I think that was a nice compromise, she feed what she wants and leaves you to do the same. Now if you had insisted she continue to do something she's uncomfortable with then you'd be unreasonable. But I think YANBU

toomanydaisies Tue 06-Nov-12 08:18:01

My sympathies op. as I understand it, gagging occasionally is normal and part of babies learning to eat. Choking is completely different. I've seen a child choking and that's terrifying.

But I do think you're right about this. And I think you've handled it well. Your Mum can do it her way when he's with her and you do it your way the rest of the time. This is a short phase anyway - he'll be eating normal children's food before you know it! So keep your cool, stay strong and try to put it behind you.

EMS23 Tue 06-Nov-12 08:22:39

YANBU, your approach is spot on in saying she can do what she wants when your DS is with her.
I have similar with my parents in that my Dad is keen to feed my DD all manner of things but they don't see her that often so I just stipulated no fizzy drinks (she's 2).

2cats2many Tue 06-Nov-12 08:24:26

It sounds as though you handled the situation really well TBH. If it isn't feeding, it will be something else with your mum, so its good to start setting some boundaries with her now.

MrsCantSayAnything Tue 06-Nov-12 08:26:45

I think you' are right. Carry on.

Kinora Tue 06-Nov-12 08:27:33

I think you've handled it really well and don't see the need to bring the subject up again.

Maybe she's concerned that he will choke on "her watch". She only has your child's safety in mind.

YANBU it sounds like a very amicapable compromise.

My dd regularly gagged when she was weaning but wouldn't eat purees <shrug> gagging is not the same as choking.

mummymeister Tue 06-Nov-12 08:29:55

Neither of you is being unreasonable. you have tried to reach a compromise with your mum which is the right way and hopefully she will be happy with this. however, be aware now that this is not the end of it. there will be other things where you feel your parenting is the right way and she has the absolute opposite. this as kewcumber says is the real problem when family look after your kids. lots of pros but cons as well and you have to give some thought early on as to how to deal with it. its all over MN - suddenly things come to a head and before you know where you are you have fallen out with half your family. just a note of caution based on experience!

maddening Tue 06-Nov-12 09:26:17

Get her the baby led weaning book and ask her to read it and discuss it with you. I know you didn't start blw but the explanation of the gagging mechanism is good and it may resolve her fears.

maybenow Tue 06-Nov-12 09:28:46

i think you're right to let her do purees if she's more comfortable but eventually the LO will have to eat lumps so as a next step why not both try to find an infant/toddler first aid course and go along together?

featherbag Tue 06-Nov-12 09:34:37

Thanks so much for all your (mostly positive) replies, it's nice to be told by unbiased sources that IANBU! I love my mum and I really am very grateful for her help, plus DS loves being with her - I don't want to upset her or make her think I don't value her opinion, but at the same time I want to do some things my way.

featherbag Tue 06-Nov-12 09:36:25

Maybenow, I have offered to find a course for her and would pay for it, or run through some basics with her myself (I'm a RN in A&E), but she seems reluctant, as if it would be tempting fate!

Moominsarescary Tue 06-Nov-12 09:38:11

Ds3 was also a 32 weeker, we did the same as you and by around 11 months he had moved on to finger foods with no problems.

Your happy to have her feed purée as she is more ccomfortable with this. I think I'd just tell her that while he is with you you will feed him the way you choose.

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy Tue 06-Nov-12 10:21:54

Yanbu at all. I think that's a good compromise. My grandma is exactly the same, everytime DD has finger food and my grandma is there she'll sit and watch her like a hawk and every so often she'll say "Just watch she doesn't choke". And it's not unusual for her to actually take away the food and cut it up into miniscule pieces, smaller than baby sized bite size pieces.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 06-Nov-12 10:33:43

She should do a first aid course anyway, everyone should. It could be reassuring. Reading a bit about the difference between gagging and choking should help too.

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