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To stick a newspaper under my arse and squat ??

(313 Posts)
HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 21:37:59

I've been bunged up for days, so far i've tried raising my feet on the loo, sat with the paper and a coffee hoping gravity would take effect ( it didn't) rocking back and forth, vaseline splodges and drinking enough water to sink the marie celeste.

I've also tried prunes, treacle and shredded wheat.

I don't even like shredded wheat.

Bar the odd feeble offering loggy ain't shifting, it's right at the launch pad so to speak but just isn't taking off, I can actually feel it when I bend down etc, it appears to have set like clay.

So, in the interests of avoiding to mathmaticians route ( working it out with a pencil ) and in the absence of a bucket an old tub. Would I be unreasonale to shove a newspaper underneath my poor, long suffering arse and squat ??

NicholasTeakozy Tue 06-Nov-12 17:04:45

A stiff drink and a warmed teaspoon.

Best of British


"The worst constipation I ever had was a week after giving birth to my DD.

I was stuck on the loo biting my knuckles like a hen trying to lay an ostrich egg. I swear no word of a lie, it took more effort,more pushing and panting squeezing that poo out than it did giving birth to the baby. When the deed was done I nearly wrapped it in a blanket and posed for a snapshot."

Oh my. I cannot rememeber the last time I laughed so much I cried. Thank you.

BoffinMum Tue 06-Nov-12 15:26:06

It was the warm Hock enema what did it, wasn't it? Be honest now.wink

Arthurfowlersallotment Tue 06-Nov-12 08:42:03

Congratulations OP thanks


musicalendorphins Tue 06-Nov-12 08:40:10

ApocalypseCheeseToastie must love cheese. The only cheese name I remember.

BoffinMum Tue 06-Nov-12 07:35:27

How are things today, OP?

ripsishere Tue 06-Nov-12 00:20:53

Faecal vomiting was the cause of the extraction in theatre. It was for the reason given above. People do die because of it.

NellyJob Mon 05-Nov-12 23:24:45

wallace and gromit?

dutch cheese?
Or are you mouse related?

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 22:09:37

I will give a clue.....' my love of cheese may have bunged me up'.

And that's all you're getting !

KatyPeril Mon 05-Nov-12 22:01:57

Congratulations on your arrival!

OP are you willing to out yourself? We all think you're a legend!
(I'll understand if not grin)

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 21:55:05

Ooooooooohhhhhhhh, my poo's a classic ??

My poor bumhole is shredded tho, it's never recieved such attention before.

BoffinMum Mon 05-Nov-12 21:30:18

This should go into MN Classics, I think. It's been quite a shared experience. grin

ThePathanKhansWitch Mon 05-Nov-12 20:42:17

Congratulations!So happy for you.thanks

HecatePhosphorus Mon 05-Nov-12 18:53:27

Well done. I have had everything crossed for you all day, Help. grin

butterfingerz Mon 05-Nov-12 17:19:38

OP, you'll probably go the other way now, murphys law innit. Oh well you always know where to come if you need shit advice!

Goonatic Mon 05-Nov-12 17:12:32

Oh phewie...... Thank fuck for that. First thing I did when home from work, kids can wait for their tea!!!!

<breathes out again>

WelshMaenad Mon 05-Nov-12 17:07:21

Well, what the fuck am I going to do on tonight's night shift??? Bloody bloody hell.

Poo vomit is true, it happened to my friend's MIL. It was slightly more shit that normally spews out of her mouth, at any rate.

BlueSuedeStiletto Mon 05-Nov-12 16:37:47

Is anyone else strangely proud of the op and her great poochievement?

Well done OP. Well done.

HipHopOpotomus Mon 05-Nov-12 16:33:12

OP I'm so relieved happy for you - sat here at desk laughing & smiling (they think I'm mad).

Get some of that Senna tea in - then if you don't go during the day, take a cup at night. Don't let it get too desperate again.

TigerFeet Mon 05-Nov-12 16:16:09

grin mignonette

Glad to hear that a crash section wasn't required.

I'm glad you're enjoying your poomoon HELP

CaroleService Mon 05-Nov-12 16:08:20

Ahem, OP: what do you think did the trick in the end? There are people here wanting to do a lap of honour, or be godmother.

mrskeithrichards Mon 05-Nov-12 16:08:06

Oh whatever yes! Many a merry dance has been done during my morning smoke in the garden!

fuzzpig Mon 05-Nov-12 16:02:56

Bizarrely the first time I heard of faecal vomit was in a documentary about the dangers of crash dieting!

HELPMyPooIsStuck Mon 05-Nov-12 15:58:05

Well there have been aftershocks after the original (poonami) I had to shuffle off in Morrisons cafe earlier where i'd risked having a coffee with a friend, my arse now feels and no doubt looks like rusty old barbed wire but even that can't cloud my shit free haze.

I'd almost dclare it as a lifechanging moment, from this day forth I shall treat my arse tract with respect and care. wink

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