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To stick a newspaper under my arse and squat ??

(313 Posts)
HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 21:37:59

I've been bunged up for days, so far i've tried raising my feet on the loo, sat with the paper and a coffee hoping gravity would take effect ( it didn't) rocking back and forth, vaseline splodges and drinking enough water to sink the marie celeste.

I've also tried prunes, treacle and shredded wheat.

I don't even like shredded wheat.

Bar the odd feeble offering loggy ain't shifting, it's right at the launch pad so to speak but just isn't taking off, I can actually feel it when I bend down etc, it appears to have set like clay.

So, in the interests of avoiding to mathmaticians route ( working it out with a pencil ) and in the absence of a bucket an old tub. Would I be unreasonale to shove a newspaper underneath my poor, long suffering arse and squat ??

BadgersBottom Sun 04-Nov-12 21:39:19

Are you the poo troll? <<awestruck>>

Can I have your autograph?

gordyslovesheep Sun 04-Nov-12 21:40:53

ohhhh a poo troll - such fun!

SamuelWestsMistress Sun 04-Nov-12 21:41:02

Orange juice and jogging! Also a good dose of cod liver should do the trick.

Think of the relief you'll get when it does finally blow!

gordyslovesheep Sun 04-Nov-12 21:41:39

it is almost Chritmas

pigletmania Sun 04-Nov-12 21:41:58

Germaloids they Certainly do the trick. Or the coffee enema

Shakirasma Sun 04-Nov-12 21:42:15

Ooh Poo troll!

I've heard of you but this is the first time we've met. Nice to see you x

IvorHughJackolantern Sun 04-Nov-12 21:42:31

Why do you require newspaper? Why not simply squat over the toilet?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sun 04-Nov-12 21:42:42

Glycerin suppository

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 21:43:03

I am not the bleddy poo troll, I curse the poo troll, none of the stabby arse brigade are taken seriously because of the poo troll.

I am however in stabby arsed pain.

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 21:45:00

Because, I read online that adopting the squat position can help move things down, in the absence of a squat toilet a copy of the advertiser is my only option !

I have come on here to moan, that is all.

Tootyfruityonrouty Sun 04-Nov-12 21:45:22

Do you know any tai chi moves? If not you tube them. Guaranteed to get the bowels moving!

Arthurfowlersallotment Sun 04-Nov-12 21:46:19

Have you tried fibrogel? Senna?

whois Sun 04-Nov-12 21:46:40

Nah, if it's that bad line the bath with paper and squat in there. Desperate times, desperate measures. Wouldn't want to do it over carpet tho ;-)

RubberNeckNibbler Sun 04-Nov-12 21:47:29

I find a trip to the library always gets things moving...

hiddenhome Sun 04-Nov-12 21:47:41

I'm a care of the elderly nurse and sorting out poo related problems is part of my daily life smile

What you need is a phosphate enema - warmed, of course grin

IvorHughJackolantern Sun 04-Nov-12 21:47:42

Ah. YANBU. Have you got a copy of the Daily Mail handy?

Also Yy to orange juice. Once when I was very constipated I ate some out of date mackarel which gave me the runs. Have a rootle in the fridge, see what you've got

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 21:48:09

I've pinched some of the boys movicol, no look so far sad

LightTheGooTouchpaper Sun 04-Nov-12 21:48:31

Do the shred.

I always need a poo by the first set of star jumps.

AKissIsNotAContract Sun 04-Nov-12 21:48:41

You need an anal douche.

HELPMyPooIsStuck Sun 04-Nov-12 21:49:10

A phosphate enema ?? Can that be bought over the counter ?? << desperate >>

InSPsFanjoNoOneHearsYouScream Sun 04-Nov-12 21:49:32

You could order something online and then I bet on the delivery date you will go to toilet, the delivery guy will knock but you won't be able move.

Always works grin

usualsuspect3 Sun 04-Nov-12 21:49:41

Coffee and a fag.

scentednappyhag Sun 04-Nov-12 21:50:00

I always suggest it in these threads, and no one ever listens grin but here goes...
Finger covered in shower gel, up your bum.
Never fails.
Good luck OP!

HoolioHallio Sun 04-Nov-12 21:50:59

The 'bleddy' poo troll ? Ohhh - the plot thickens. Now just WHO uses a phrase like that ?

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