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To think a grandparent would at least ask if there's anything they can do while child's in hospital?

(45 Posts)
kchivs Sun 04-Nov-12 19:44:54

I just need to know im not going crazy here! One of my twins who just turned one had a severe anaphylaxis shock to peanut butter last week (half term). Also have a four year old. She was very unwell when the ambulance came it was blue light all the way and she was rushed to resus. I text my dad and sister from the hospital to tell them the situation, they live some 70 miles from us but dad was on half term. We had to leave the two at home with a neighbour they hardly know. My sister who has two kids if her own and doesn't drive immediately offered to drop everything and come and help with the two at home. My dad made no offers to come and help and just said let me know how it goes! Even no offer when told him she would be staying there for some time.
Am I being unreasonable to think anyone with a caring bone in their body would have the immediate reaction to say at least 'let me know if there's anything i Can do' or ask who was looking after the children?

thecatsminion Sun 04-Nov-12 19:47:10

He should have offered, but maybe you should ask? Some people are crap at dealing with a crisis and need things spelled out. Hope your DD is better soon.

valiumredhead Sun 04-Nov-12 19:47:26

I know how scary it is with an allergic child as I have one so I speak from experience. Don't expect anyone to understand, it's taken my family YEARS to understand how serious ds's allergy to nuts is. It's very frustrating.

Sirzy Sun 04-Nov-12 19:50:14

Yes it would have been great if they had offered but its not as if they live just down the road so I do think its a lot to EXPECT them to offer. You could have asked if there was any chance they could come over to help out now.

Hope she is on the mend now.

RawShark Sun 04-Nov-12 19:51:35

ALong the lines of "thecats minion". MIght be a generational thing, DH's parents will help when asked willingly and enthusiastically but seem to think offering is interfering. It's odd. Try asking directly?

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease Sun 04-Nov-12 19:51:46

My parents didn't and don't help when my dd was in hospital. Or me for that natter. One of my many resentments!

NinaHeart Sun 04-Nov-12 19:52:45

You're the parent so you are responsible.
It may be NICE if the grandparents had offered, but you shouldn't expect it. They've done their childcare bit and may not feel about your children the way you want them to.
It's their choice.

HecatePhosphorus Sun 04-Nov-12 19:53:11

Perhaps because you just told them what had happened but didn't ask for any help, they assumed you had someone local to help? a friend perhaps.

If you had asked for help - would they have given it?

kchivs Sun 04-Nov-12 19:58:12

Thanks for your replies. I think in that moment we didn't know what to do, our heads were in mess and the last thing were thinking was to ask anyone anything! Perhaps in the cold light of day now shes out the worst it's just compounded issues aside from this.. Wanting people to want to spend even a little time with our children!

HoolioHallio Sun 04-Nov-12 19:58:23

This is one of the things I found odd about Exs family - I come from a background where family WILL drop everything in such circumstances. Ex in laws are the complete opposite. I was the only person who stayed at the hospital whilst his 95 year old grand mother was dying - the others left because they were 'tired' but there was no way i would have let her die alone.
To me, being there is a fundamental part of what being a family IS.

ILiveInAPineapple Sun 04-Nov-12 20:03:34

My ds had meningitis while my DH was away overseas with work and my mil didn't even ring to ask how he was! So YANBU but some people are just rude and strange fucking oddballs

LunaticFringe Sun 04-Nov-12 20:08:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redbindy Sun 04-Nov-12 20:10:20

Pineapple: you forgot to add that DH left work and got on the next plane and flew straight home to look after his child.

5madthings Sun 04-Nov-12 20:11:03

Well my parents are a two hour drive aeay but yes in the situation you describe they would offer to help!

poweredbytoast Sun 04-Nov-12 20:36:13

My middle DS had an emergency, life saving operation when he was 8 months old. We had no warning it was going to happen and were in hospital for a week, taking it in turns to stay at the hospital and with our 2yr old. My parents, in their early 70s, drove 250 miles to be with us. My FIL, late 50s lives 6 miles away and couldn't be arsed to do a thing. Apparently because it was too upsetting. some people are really caring, others are bloody selfish. Don't waste your energy trying to work out why people are the way they are. I'm glad your DS is better.

Ithinkitsjustme Sun 04-Nov-12 20:40:27

My DSil and myself would drop everything to help out anyone and even more for a member of the family but we are the only ones. YANBU to wish that he offered to help, but not everyone is comfortable with "interfering" or even with being left with someone else's children (even if they are his grandchildren), he may not have thought about what he could do.

Ithinkitsjustme Sun 04-Nov-12 20:41:12

Sorry, should have said that I hope your little one is ok now, thanks

WelshMaenad Sun 04-Nov-12 20:46:47

My family would. Have. Inlaws - no. DD was vvv poorly at birth, somewhat prem and had massive brain haemmofhage, we did a month in SCBU. My family were there every day. IL's looked at her for fifteen minutes then fucked off on holiday to Canada when she was 4 days old (and in an induced coma) telling us to email them every day to let them know she was still alive.

I've given up trying to work them out. Some people are just...meh.

Pastabee Sun 04-Nov-12 20:48:31

Definitely don't waste your energy thinking about this. poweredbytoast is right.

My ILs would do anything for my DD. My DF is great too and would be there. My mother wouldn't come to help. That's just the way she is. It upsets me because I can't imagine ever being like that with my DD but I can't change her and I've already wasted too much energy trying to work out why she cares so little.

oldraver Sun 04-Nov-12 20:53:18

MY Mum said she couldn't come to see my DS in SCBU as she 'couldn't bare' to see him like that (I'm assuming with monitors and tubes and stuff), but funny enough was straight on the phone begging me to come when my Dad was in hospital

Some people are just selfish

surroundedbyblondes Sun 04-Nov-12 20:56:34

Agree. My parents would ask if they were needed and jump on the next flight if we said yes. Despite not having huge financial resources, they have money saved so that they can do this kind of thing should the need arise.

ILs wouldn't change their golf plans if a grandchild was rushed to hospital. Not the way they are. DH had to nag them significantly to get MIL to return from holiday to be with her dying mother. Had they stuck to their planned dates she wouldn't have seen her before she died. They have much more money at their disposal, but complained bitterly about the extra Ryanair flight that they had to book then, and still FIL didn't come home at that time because it would have been too expensive.

ILs would help if asked. But I understand how you feel OP. At a moment like that it would be good if people just stepped in and stepped up so that you don't have to be the co-ordinator at that time and can focus on your LO.

Hope she's on the mend now.

BerthaTheBogBurglar Sun 04-Nov-12 21:09:38

NinaHeart - your response would be appropriate if the OP was asking why her dad wouldn't babysit so she could go to the pub. "they've done their childcare bit" etc. But the OPs daughter nearly died and she had to leave her 1yo and 4yo with a neighbour. To say it would be NICE to offer help is just silly.

OP, you are quite right. Normal family would be concerned, offering help, worrying for you, anxious about your dd, and so forth. Your dad is self-centred. What is he like when he is ill? Does he expect you to help him?

My parents ignored us when I was in hospital for 3 months when pg, and dh was struggling. MIL was about to move house - she dropped everything and drove for 4 hours to help. Ds2 and I eventually ended up in separate intensive care units, with 2yo and 5yo at home. My parents insisted on visiting (the children, not me), and sat on the sofa talking about themselves while dh cooked for them. 6 weeks later mum got shingles. They were furious that we didn't hotfoot it over to see them (with our prem newborn!).

Next time your dad is ill and wants sympathy/help, you can text "let us know how it goes".

BananaBubbles Sun 04-Nov-12 21:10:57

YADNBU.You shouldn't have to ask in such circumstances. How is your dd now?

kchivs Sun 04-Nov-12 21:16:42

She is much much better thank you and came out yesterday happy to be home, we have Eli pens and will get an emergency allergy referral as you can imagine we need to know so much now!
My mother died 7 years ago and my father re married a lady who had three children herself so as a mother I don't get why she wouldn't suggest offering help in the circs (she was on hols to!). I think I'm going to give up on expecting anything! But yes Bertha he has become very self centered and woeful since the re marriage.

kchivs Sun 04-Nov-12 21:16:59

Epi pens not Eli pens!

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