to tell DM where to shove her scarf

[Flojo1979]

Fell out with DM yesterday. She's been in a bad mood all week, she also looked after my DS all wk whilst half term.
I text DM yesterday asking if he had done his homework and since he hadn't it turned in to DM playing the martyr (which I told her). I said no worries re homework was just checking. She replied I'm sorry I wasn't good enough, I tried my best, u should have given clearer instructions. Well I'd finally had enough and told her to stop making everything about her and stop being a martyr.
I haven't apologise and I don't think I should. But I went to a charity event where they were selling scarfs. DM likes scarves so I bought her one and gave it her as a peace offering I guess, DF took it off me at door as DC in car.
DM just text 'thanks for scarf but its not really me'.

[Pagwatch]

She looked after your ds all through half term.
She shouldn't have been dismissive of a gift.

I think, given those two bits of info, telling her to 'shove it' would be a massive over reaction.

[MulledWineOnTheBusLady]

YANBU, how rude. Is she usually a martyred sulker?

[allnewtaketwo]

Well tell her to shove it by all means, but I assume you have other handy babysitters on tap for the next school holiday?

[SoupDragon]

YABU.

Are you usually so entitled and rude to your mother?

[lucyellenmum]

You sound as bad as each other to be fair.

[MulledWineOnTheBusLady]

How was the OP entitled? There was a silly argument, OP made a peace offering, it was rejected. I cannot abide sulkers.

[Pagwatch]

If I give presumeably free child are to someone then I would not expect to be told to 'shove it' if I was lukewarm about a gift.

[KellyMarieTunstall]

Why didnt you ask your Ds if he had completed his homework. Im assuming that as he is old enough to have home work then he is equally old enough to answer a simple question.
So therefore I think your DM has taken your text as inferring that she hadnt completed a task she was unaware of . And as you didnt give her the scarf in person along with a spoken explanation /apology ( why not ?) she is in fact telling you to shove your scarf . And I agree with her.

[TheProvincialLady]

Maybe you shoud try speaking to your mother about your problems instead of refusing to apologise (and you were rude to her, even if there was provocation) and then giving her a scarf, as if that would solve your problems.

[allnewtaketwo]

And really, asking if he had done his homework does infer you had some expectation she might have done it with him. Did you really expect her to babysit free for a whole week and do his homework with him? Surely that's his patents job. And to be honest, a poxey scarf from a charity event doesn't sound like great thanks

[MulledWineOnTheBusLady]

Ah, well maybe it depends whether the OP's mum saw it as an unconnected gift or an olive branch then.

[Yama]

I think perhaps the way in which you asked your Mum if ds had done his homework may have been taken the wrong way. She may have thought you were getting at her because why ask her when you could presumably ask your son? She may be felling a little unappreciated.

Forgive each other.

[Flojo1979]

I tool them out for lunch on friday to think them for looking after DS, DS could have gone to holiday club but DPs thought it would be nice to spend some time with him. And yes she's usually a martyred sulker hence why yesterday, after yrs of it, I thought I'd tell her. Then felt bad for it since, especially as she's going away all wk so thought it'd be nice gesture to buy scarf.

[SoupDragon]

How was the OP entitled?

Her mother provides free childcare for half term. On discovering that the DS hadn't done his HW, she accuses her mother of being a martyr. She has not apologised for her rudeness and has no intention of doing so.

[MulledWineOnTheBusLady]

Well, no, not really. I read the OP as homework question was asked, her mother started with all the defensive "I did my best, you should have left me clearer instructions" with OP trying to say it didn't matter, she was just checking and then finally snapped and called her a martyr. She didn't do it out of the blue.

(Well, she may have been and could be lying, but that's not what the post says!)

[piprabbit]

Perhaps the fact she was in a bad mood all week is connected with the fact she has been looking after your DS. Perhaps she found it more stressful and tiring than she expected.
Perhaps your implication that she was in some was responsible for your DC's homework and had been negligent in not ensuring it was completed, was the final straw for her.
Perhaps she didn't realise how much meaning you had invested in the gift of a scarf.

[Pagwatch]

I think you should step back and try and see it from your dms point of view.

It all sounds a bit mean spirited and childish.

[MulledWineOnTheBusLady]

MrsW, that was my phrase, to be fair. I am sadly familiar with the type.

[Pagwatch]

Mulled
You seem really determined that a woman who provided free child are all week was asking for it.

My son came home for the weekend and was immensely grateful for hot meals and a trip to the rugby. If he started questioning how I cooked and then called me a martyr I would suggest a nearby hotel.

[Flojo1979]

mrswool can I just clarify 'martyred sulker' wasn't my words. Yes I called her a martyr for turning a simple question in to a big deal about her.

And of course I said thankyou. As I already said, I took them out for lunch on friday to say thankyou and said thankyou then.

Sorry for drip feed but when I text "fgs stop playing the martyr" she replied "I'm not your ex, so don't give me your shite" because I'd confided in her days before that I was going thro a difficult patch with ex re DC.