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to be so angry? for nothing really. dc and dh are just irritating me so much

(26 Posts)
MoomieAndFreddie Sun 04-Nov-12 18:31:14

and the last straw was when i was saying about how i am sick of clearing up the DC toys and general random shit all the time and said, with a touch of sarcasm irony, well thats what mums do isn't it?

to which DH agreed and then proceeded to say well YOUR mum and MY mum would have had to clean up after US as well. as if that makes it fucking ok for fucks sake

he is sat there now playing guitar oblivious that i am really fucked off with him. i just want to bang my head on the desk. thats another thing that pisses me off, when i try and talk to him he carries on playing the bastard guitar

i am SICK of doing everything in the house - i work but only a few hours a week so everything falls to me, i suppose thats fair i guess as he works really long hours in a stressful job. But i would just like some RECOGNITION ffs. and he makes, like, a token effort at weekends and expects praise for it, well who gives me praise, no one thats who, no one even notices what i do.

and he asks me irritating questions like what you doing tomorrow Moomie? as if i am a fucking lady of leisure. well i will be looking after 2 small children, doing 3 school runs (dd 3 is afternoons), the washing, the ironing, the cleaning, the tidying, older DC homework, policing the constant arguing, bath, bed, sorting and putting away laundry, cooking 3 lots of meals for everyone....

i am also sick of him being so shit and lame when it comes to "family stuff" i wanted to take the DC to a fireworks display last night but he said he didn't want to go. this is typical because everytime i suggest something remotely "family orientated" for example, museums, parks, swimming, etc he won't do it, its as if he thinks he is too cool to do twee family stuff. and he does call is "twee family stuff" all we do every weekend is drag the DC round shops etc, with the odd trip to see relatives. so today has been a boring day of a supermarket visit and the DC climbing the walls and being really naughty. ffs in a few years time they won't want to hang around with us anyway - these years are precious and we are wasting them. sad

i just feel so angry. everything they do and say at the moment is annoying me. anyway this is a huge random rant but i just wanted to vent i guess and i am hoping i am not the only MNer out there who feels like this.

Bobyan Sun 04-Nov-12 18:37:09

Book yourself a weekend away and leave him to it. He's soon wise up.

Yes...remember 'Mums On Strike' i want to do that sometimes

3plus2 Sun 04-Nov-12 19:40:50

Omg I could have written this post ! slightly freaked out now mine is exactly the same ! It's me tidying up all the time cooking cleaning ! And he asks "what u doing tomorrow ?cause we need to paint the hallway "" oh brill give me the sodding brush then grrrrrrr I'm sure he thinks I sit all day doing jack ! He also never does family things ever ! We were supposed to b doing fireworks Saturday but nope ! Poor kids get dragged round shops all weekend and that's their trip out !

squeakytoy Sun 04-Nov-12 19:42:48

waits for the "go to a spa" and "employ a cleaner" posts grin

valiumredhead Sun 04-Nov-12 19:43:20

Don't do it then. Get the kids to help and tell dh to pull his weight. If sh doesn't want to do twee stuff then you take the kids yourself if you feel it's important - I had years of doing it as dh worked shifts.

Oh yeah -and tell him all of what you posted as well.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 04-Nov-12 19:45:48

If he doesn't want to go on outings why don't you take your DC by yourself? Leave your selfish H on his own at home to play his bastard guitar.

Oh, and I think it's a good idea to nip in the bud the idea that mums/women should do all the housework, otherwise your DC will perpetuate this as adults.

Hassled Sun 04-Nov-12 19:48:54

How many DC? Is the root of the problem (aside from your DH) that you don't actually suit this much SAHMing? Could you up your hours a bit and make enough to cover childcare?

You're absolutely right re wasting the years - my main regret, now that 2 of my DCs are adults, is that I did waste a lot of the years just stressing and fretting and not actually doing anything. So take the initiative - you don't need him there to go to a museum or swimming or whatever. Let him sit home being cool. You will have the memories and the fun and the experiences with your kids.

yellowsubmarine53 Sun 04-Nov-12 19:51:07

Agree that he doesn't want to go on family days out, you should go anyway. He can do the shopping whilst you're out.

RubyFakeNails Sun 04-Nov-12 19:52:34

Well I wouldn't have him sitting there oblivious you're annoyed.

I would have probably erupted into a total fit of rage, and that comment about your/his mother might just have given me an apoplectic fit!

It does sound shit and he sounds like a knob but don't just feel like this, say it. Remove the guitar form him if necessary and communicate the message however many times it needs to be said.

YourHandInMyHand Sun 04-Nov-12 19:56:11

Oh god yes to just going out without him. I resorted to doing this with my ex.
He too was of the "mums clean up and tidy" chauvinist persuasion. I didn't want my son growing up believing this and repeating the cycle. Another reason I left him.

How old are your dcs?
Bonfire night is technically tomorrow, can you find a display and go regardless of whether he wants to go or not? Make a nice memory and have some fun with your dcs!

shuffleballchange Sun 04-Nov-12 20:01:17

My DH just asked me what am I doing tomorrow........the housework dear like every fucking Monday, between school runs, preparing meals and stopping DS2 from scaling the shelves!

I'm happy to see this post though OP, its nice to know I'm not alone, I seriously could have written this myself, especially the not doing things as a family I get "its not my kind of thing". Twat. It's him that's missing out on family time out, its my mantra as I'm off with Dcs and my mum again whilst DH lazes around at home.

Get your DC to help tidy up, mine do it unprompted now at 7 and nearly 2.

Good Luck OP, remember you aren't alone grin

MoomieAndFreddie Mon 05-Nov-12 08:11:28

it really really hurts me - this not doing "family stuff"

he is 10 years older than me and was married with kids before we met, they are all grown up now but a little childish part of me thinks, well maybe he has done all that stuff with his last family so is not bothered about doing it with US and OUR dc sad

i don't want to do stuff on my own with the DC - i want to do it as a family, i want us to make memories together.

i am so upset today

thanks for the replies though - and sorry to hear others are / have been in similar situations

MyLastDuchess Mon 05-Nov-12 08:39:29

I am not a SAHM (I would not be able to hack it) so my situation is slightly different but if anyone even dared to comment that my DM and DMIL had to clean up after their kids I would be pointing out that they had no bloody choice because women were not even legally entitled to earn a living wage back then!

Perhaps I am slightly older than many posters here, but I'm still not yet 40 and the world has changed a lot since I was a kid.

More to the point, if my DP ever undermined me in front of our kids he would live to regret it.

MyLastDuchess Mon 05-Nov-12 08:43:05

BTW despite my DMIL having been a SAHM who has 3 sons, she has brought them up into men who pull their weight around the house and with their children. And I am sure that they are much happier and have much stronger relationships for it. I don't think you do kids any favours by teaching them that they don't have to take responsibility for themselves.

teatimesthree Mon 05-Nov-12 08:45:17

He sounds like a dick.

My ex also refused to do twee family stuff. That is one of the main reasons he is my ex- we just had completely different Ideas of what family life should be. I feel for you, it is a very lonely feeling.

In your shoes I would up my hours at work and start insisting he does more with the kids and around the house.

Mumofthreeteens Mon 05-Nov-12 09:08:26

Thank you op for posting because I was/am feeling like you. I spent the other in a foul mood when yet again dh refused to do what I suggested as a day out. I went the next day with 2 dc and had a lovely time!! Dh plays his f***ing guitar all the time too. His latest bloody obsessional fad. I could go on but won't. He is a kind, caring dh, excellent df to the kids but like a lot of men wants his own way and I always feel it's me who relents and it really annoys me.

You will probably discover that your dh didn't do this 'family' stuff before.

prudencesmom Mon 05-Nov-12 09:10:58

The family stuff is vital, it makes for lovely memories through the years.
It does sound like its a case of been there done that for your DH which is sad.
Maybe he thinks that its time for his " me time years" IYSWIM.
I know of a married couple and the DH does absolutely nothing with the kids and I cant see that ever changing. I dont know if his wife has just accepted thats the way its going to be or not.
Housework and all goes with the daily grind can be very groundhog day and neverending. I really think your DH should be helping you all he can in every way he can. Maybe hes just got used to this way of life and thinks you have too.
Think you need to have a chat with him about how you feel.
Hope you get the result you want/need.

BettyCash Mon 05-Nov-12 11:37:45


wasabipeanut Mon 05-Nov-12 13:44:03

You could try my approach and spend a whole week being seriously ill. Luckily DH was off for half term but I was incapable of doing much at all. DH looked after our 3 children well but seemed incapable of running a fucking Hoover round occasionally. I also had to act as a sort of laundry consultant.

He has just coughed up £90 to have a cleaning company do a one off hit to get us back up to speed. He always says he appreciates what I do but I think last week really bought it home.

MoomieAndFreddie Mon 05-Nov-12 16:56:49

betty we are going on holiday to new york in february. just me and DH. but this is part of the problem, i don't mean to drip feed, but we have NEVER had a family holiday in the 5 years we have been together, other than a 5 days in wales in the summer with just DD (DS went away with his dad, he is from a previous relationship) but we have been away abroad just the 2 of us twice, and had loads of weekends away. Its like he doesn't like doing normal family stuff. I Just Know that if we did go away as a family he would be bored and restless all the time, and getting stressed with the kids and it would be no fun for any of us sad

mumof3teens yeah i totally get you re "latest obsessional fad" this is my DH all over. he is in a band as well and constantly goes on about it as it is full of drama's and politics all the time between the band members, honestly they are like teenage girls.

am starting to worry we haven't got much in common anymore sad we did when we first got together as we were BOTH in a band. the same one, thats how we met, I used to be a singer. Neither of us could do any wrong to the other, everything we did was exciting and we were completely crazy about eachother, head over heels. we just had fun all the time drinking and going out and having a laugh, we don't laugh as much anymore sad

i am so sad writing this, as i really do love him. and he is a good dad and considerate in many ways and so loving towards me (but reading my posts back, i am questioning if he is really?)

prudencesmom Tue 06-Nov-12 10:24:07

You say you have been with your DH five years, is it just now that you are feeling this way?
Your DH is still living the life you had when you met.
You however are being the mum and dad in this marriage and that is totally unfair on you. I cant see your DH stepping up to the mark/ changing his lifestyle.

attheendoftheday Tue 06-Nov-12 11:00:30

I would be apoplectic if my dp said something that sexist and derogatory in front of the dc.

Can you do a chart of how much leisure time you both get in a week and demonstrate how much you do? I don't see why you should be tidying up after him, he is a grown man.

I would be sad about him not wanting to do family activities, but I'm not sure what you can do about it. My dp is a bit more reluctant than me about them, but will join in (albeit under duress to make me happy) most of the time. I tend to present it as "I am taking the kids to x today, do you want to come too?"

MoomieAndFreddie Tue 06-Nov-12 13:30:11

no its been a while prudence. i have mentioned to him before about the family stuff, and his reluctance to do it, and he makes lame excuses like, well we couldn't go to the park it was too cold, and similar

i know aththeend, i am still annoyed about it now. but would probably look a bit mental if i bought it up 2 days later.....

Dozer Tue 06-Nov-12 13:44:37

Maybe he was just as bad with his first family?

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