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family politics

(70 Posts)
rubberducky24 Sun 04-Nov-12 11:43:15

Hi - my first time posting in AIBU - I need some perspective but am also quite emotional so please be gentle!

A bit of background - I had a DD 8 weeks ago, had major issues with breastfeeding so am FF. This is my parents first GD and the 6th for my DH's family. My parents live locally half of the week and 200 miles away for the other half so they only have the opportunity to see my DD every other weekend.

The weekends I don't see my parents I make sure I see my DH's parents and also go and see them once in the week. My DH is very close to his family and sees them every weekend. I see my parents with our DD without him.

I am finding it difficult to let my DD out without me as I am still quite emotional and attached. We have been inundated with offers of babysitting and I have gratefully accepted these but for a time when I feel I am ready.

My husband said today that he wants to take our DD Xmas shopping without me one weekend. The weekend he has asked for is one that my parents are here. I asked if I could meet up with him and his family later as I am still not ready to be separated for a long period of time. He said yes but not until after 3pm. he wants to take our DD out at 7.30am. My DH then went mad and said I favour my family over his and he is sick of not being able to spend time with our DD with his family on his own. When I see my parents it is on my own as he goes to his parents house to watch the sports. I make as much effort as I can to make sure his parents do not miss out on time with our DD.

My questions are this...

AIBU to be upset at my DH wanting to spend the day with his family without me and AIBU to ask him to choose a weekend when my parents are not here so they don't miss out on seeing their only GC?

I was very upset at not being able to BF and feel sometimes that as I am FF people can't wait to take our DD off my hands despite how it makes me feel.

I know he is her father and is entitled to spend quality time with her on his own but is he BU for putting time limits on it and picking a weekend when my parents are here?

Thanks very much for your wise advice

Brycie Sun 04-Nov-12 11:46:39

He is wrong, you are right. At eight weeks old and breastfeeding that's a long time to be apart if you don't feel comfortable. And you had to "ask" to meet him and his family later?

He is wrong, you are right.

5dcsinneedofacleaner Sun 04-Nov-12 11:46:42

because your baby is so young YANBU. Yes your dh has as much "right" to time with her as you but surely if you explain that being away from your baby for the day will upset you he will change arrangements (meet up or change day so that you can come along).

Brycie Sun 04-Nov-12 11:47:54

In other words, never mind what his parents want or even what your parents want. What's important is what's right for you and your daughter. At eight weeks if he's "going mad" about this then he's got things badly badly badly wrong. He sounds like a bit of a selfish twerp.

Euphemiaaaarrrrgggghhhh Sun 04-Nov-12 11:50:34

To my mind you're seeing far too much of the GPs, but you need to find a way that makes you happy!

I do think you're being too rigid about who sees your DD when - it won't harm your parents not to see her one weekend.

Taking a baby "Christmas shopping" sounds bonkers to me, and if you're not happy being separated from DD for that long then YANBU for saying so.

I think you need to talk to DH about how you both want things to be. Eight weeks in and he's breeding resentment about you favouring your family?! You need to sit down with him and discuss expecations, then make them happen. With you and DH in control, not the GPs.

DragonMamma Sun 04-Nov-12 11:50:45

It's a tricky one.

He is her dad and seeing as you get to spend time alone with your parents and DD I think you don't have much excuse to deny him the same opportunity.

He IS her df and has just as much of a right to do things with her as you do. Obviously the bf issue is bothering you, do you think it's worth speaking to you gp?

I think it's lovely he wants to go Xmas shopping with your DD etc, I'd be glad of some quiet time.

I think you are BU to prioritise your parents visit over his to his parents.

Gigondas Sun 04-Nov-12 11:52:41

Tricky as dd is still so young so yabu to feel sensitive about being separated , ff (you are probably being bit sensitive about that as excuse to take kids off you). However I do think yabu to be quite so set in stone about not letting dh have dd on "your parents weekend". He is also her parent so it's not an unreasonable request.

lovebunny Sun 04-Nov-12 11:53:26

eight weeks old and you're finding it hard to let her go out without you? too damn right you are!
she needs to be with you and you need to be with her. formula feeding has nothing to do with it. she expects to be with you and you expect to have her there.

put your foot down. keep the baby with you.

Gigondas Sun 04-Nov-12 11:54:34

Also is there more to you not going to ils than you said? Could your dh be detecting that you don't like ils or some such issue.

Fakebook Sun 04-Nov-12 11:58:55

At 8 weeks if my baby was ff and my husband wanted to take him out for a day without me, I'd be packing the changing bag and waving goodbye happily at 7am and then go back to bed for a nice loonnggg sleep.

Fakebook Sun 04-Nov-12 11:59:56

That's a nice long UNINTERRUPTED sleep

CookingFunt Sun 04-Nov-12 12:02:40

Fakebook that was my thinking too.

EscapeInTheCity Sun 04-Nov-12 12:07:11

Taking an 8 weeks old christmas shopping? Is he mad??

And putting limits 'You can't meet with us until 3.00pm'??? What about talking woth ypu so you can find something that suitable for both of you.

This is NOT about being competitive 'I have the RIGHT to spend some time with my dc too'. It's about finding a way to be as a family that works.
And his arrangement doesn't work for you at the moment. You are making lots of effort to go and see his family (even wo him). He is getting to spend some time with his dd. Perhaps time for him to make some efforts too.

As an aside, why he is NOT spending time with your family too? Why is it that you spend time with his family but he doesn't seem to think it's important for him to spend time with your family too? What about time the 3 of you together to spend as a family, wo any family around?
I have the feeling that he has some issue with your family.

CaptainNancy Sun 04-Nov-12 12:14:43

I could never have let an 8wo baby leave me for 8 hours!
Why on earth is time with your parents just you and DD, and time with his just him and DD?
That is v odd, and it sounds as though there are a lot of other unmentioned issues- surely you should be spending time as a family with eeach set of GPs?

Please don't feel bad about the bfing- sometimes it just doesn't work- you need to let it go, there'll be plenty more to angst about soon enough wink

Tryharder Sun 04-Nov-12 12:15:45

2 questions:

Why does he want to spend time with the baby away from you - i.e. why cant you be there too?

Why in the name of Jesus would he want to take a 8 week baby Christmas shopping?

buggyRunner Sun 04-Nov-12 12:17:14

You have just had a baby and are probably going trough a hard time emotionally because of the feeding. Are you upset because part of you is saying (in your head) "if I was breast feeding he couldnt take her and its all my fault"?

If you are- STOP IT NOW- its not your fault- dont be hard on yourself. Your hormones are all over the place + sleep deprivation + lots of GP time and your bound to react strongly.

Perhaps your DH has been thinking of ways to do something nice for you and had planned this as a wonderful gesture. Then was upset when you didnt want it. (My DP does this and then comes and appologises).

PuppyMonkey Sun 04-Nov-12 12:25:19

Well my perspective is ... I'm sure you'll survive without your DD for a few hours, I'm sure your parents will survive without seeing your DD on this occasion, I'm sure your DP will survive with DD on this strange Xmas shopping expedition (7.30am WTF) and I'm sure DD won't give a flying clusterfuck who she's with on just this one day.

digerd Sun 04-Nov-12 12:25:23

Odd to me too as that is not a family life that you have. Anyway, at 8 weeks old a baby should not be dragged round the shops, if not necessary, as at risk of other people's coughs and colds.
Mum and dad and baby should be together visiting GPs, not separately as if you were officially separated.!! Not good at all.

Birdsgottafly Sun 04-Nov-12 12:50:43

If mothers where happy to be seperated from their newborns for that long, then we, as a race, wouldn't have survived.

You feeling are natural and they shouldn't be questioned, mothers are wired to feel this way about their babies. It is wrong to expect a new mum to be happy to be away from her baby.

Anyone else's "right" to be around the baby, includes you.

You should both be valuing the time spent with your baby and both sets of parents, together.

At this age when parents have seperated, contact is ordered whilst still in the presence of the mother, or at the least, the mother is in the same building.

The natural instinct and need to for a mum to be with their babies 24/7 should be respected and not interfered with by anyone.

digerd Sun 04-Nov-12 13:13:13

Hope I wasn't too hard on you, I was not critising you personally, just shocked about many things, especially your DH.
Just read your thread again, and am shocked again that your DH " goes to his parents every weekend" - now he's a dad.! That is not right. Is it just for a few hours 2 maybe, while baby is sleeping? And to watch sport on TV? I suppose it could give you time for yourself, if that's what you need?
HE is BU to want to spend time with his 8 weekold baby on his own without you for 8 hours.

attheendoftheday Sun 04-Nov-12 13:18:12

My dd wasn't away from me at all at that age. She spent time with dp of course, but I was at least in the same building. I strongly felt I needed to be nearby. Over time I felt different and now I'm back at work dp has her three days a week on his own. Their relationship is fine.

At 8 weeks your little one won't understand that she's seperate from you. Bf/ff isn't relevent at all.

It seems odd to me that you don't alternate between seeing both sets of gps together.

LadyBeagle Sun 04-Nov-12 13:23:30

You and your Dh and your new baby are a family now.
Why are you running around trying to please the GPs on both sides?
At eight weeks old this is your time, the GPs have to fit in with your life and your DH needs to realise that.

Viviennemary Sun 04-Nov-12 13:24:02

Eight weeks old is very very small and I'm not surprised you don't want to leave her. And really why would anybody take a small baby Christmas shopping if they could help it. Busy shops, people full of coughs and colds. Not a good idea.

maddening Sun 04-Nov-12 13:24:32

I wouldn't like the feeling of being excluded by the in-laws and his unwillingness to see your parents when they come up. If he mover the Xmas shopping to the following week then there would be no problem as you could go with him.

To me it sounds like mil has been pressuring dh to see dd without you - that and the favouring comment seem really strange and more of a mil type comment / request.

Yanbu and I would resolve this now as this is likely to get out of hand/ require assertiveness (going by other threads you see like this )

missymoomoomee Sun 04-Nov-12 13:32:40

Sounds to me like he wants to take his daughter out shopping for your xmas presents.

I know 8 hours is a long time to be away from your baby, but he will be spending 8 hours away from her if you say no, how is that any different?

Your DD will be with a parent, who will be looking after her, as long as she is fed and changed and warm it won't make a jot of difference to her whether its her Mum or her Dad tbh.

That said, I do think the set up here is a bit weird, he sees his family and you see yours, I think you are neglecting the fact that you, DH and DD are a family now too.

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