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To consider writing an email/letter rather then talking face to face?

(6 Posts)
roadkillbunny Sat 03-Nov-12 16:03:02

I am going to try and keep this as short and to the point as possible but also want to avoid drip feeding.

I have recently fallen out with somebody who I have considered one of my best friends. I feel like it's likely that this friendship has run it's course however we live opposite each other in a small village and our children are friends so I need to move things on from the current awkwardness where (childishly) we are not speaking.

I have played my own part in the fall out, I am not inosent. My part has been that when I have had a problem with something, been upset by something she has said or done I have not addressed it, just bit my tongue to avoid any confrontation and have as easy a life as possible. This has resulted in a pile of issues that taken indeevidually would not be the biggest of deals but because I have left things in talked about, unchallenged and unresolved a few weeks ago the straw that broke the back happened.

I am not sure if the details if why I have issues with my friend are important really when it comes to knowing what to do, if people think it is relevant I will explain but to keep this as short as possible I won't go into it now.

I feel that we need to get things out in the open between us, I need to explain why she has upset me and hurt my feelings, I can't just let things quietly slip back to normal and not address this as that's what has caused this whole sorry mess to be what it is.

I have texted her a couple of weeks ago and said that I had a bottle of wine with her name on and that we really need to talk, would it be okay for me to pop over tonight, or a night that suits you? She replied saying she couldn't that night maybe tomorrow. That was the last I heard from her directly however I know from the (dreaded) Facebook that she has had 'excuses' for us not to have our talk.
I don't want her to think I am despite to patch things up and get back to normal because I am not, the only reason I am doing this is to avoid awkwardness.
I was going to text her again this week to renew my offer of wine and talk but then I thought maybe I should write to her if she really either doesn't want to talk face to face or can't make the time for me? I know I would explain my reasons for bring upset and angry with her better in writing then verbally but I do worry that she may feel it is just a rant pulling her to shreds even though I would try to make it clear that I acknowledge my part in it and that fact there are probably things about me that send her nuts to, no one is perfect after all!

So now I need the mums net jury, face to face or in writing for somebody to give some hard truths with enough sugar coating to avoid world war three?

cheekydevil Sat 03-Nov-12 16:16:43

F to f, she needs to be able to respond to each issue as raised. A letter will just be a list of gripes that will wind her up. She needs to be able to put her side. Written words are often misconstrued.
Text again asking when she thinks she can make it. Neutral territory would be fairer IMO.

mutny Sat 03-Nov-12 16:20:32

Face to face. An email or text can loose something in translation and cone across wrong.
tbh I would be pissed off to receive an email with a list of my flaws. You wouldn't like the reply I would send.

You may have to face the fact she doesn't want to patch it up and move on.

roadkillbunny Sat 03-Nov-12 16:53:01

I knew it was going to end up being face to face, I know that's the way to go really, I guess I wanted to see if I could get away with the easy (for me) way!
To be honest I am happier and less stressed without her in my life, been feeling happier without her dramas etc. if it wasn't the fact she is a neighbour and someone I have to see every day I would be walking away without looking back. She isn't the person I though she was and I have learnt the hard way years ago to run like hell from her type.
We do have to rub along in a civilised manor though and as she hasn't made any move to enable this it has to be me.
I guess I will keep trying, but I refuse to look like I am despritly begging. Neutral place isn't possible, no way am I talking about some of the issues in a public place.
I guess as I haven't gone into the issues it makes it hard for people to see what's what, it isn't a list of flaws, there are parts of her personality that have factored but that is not something I plan to talk about with her, I am not asking her to change her personality, I only want to go over things that matter most to me about why I am so upset and hurt by her. She has managed it seems to fall out with most of her friends in the village, I won't gossip about our issues in the village but things get back to you, turns out reasons for falling a out all share a trend. I do, for her own sake hope she makes the conection.
Sorry think i have gone on a but to a tangent there.

ImperialBlether Sat 03-Nov-12 18:54:43

I would just play it cool with her if you see her, say hello and leave it at that.

You would definitely feel better if you wrote that letter and I think you should do it and then burn it. Get it out of your system and say everything you want to say.

She isn't the type of person who can have a discussion like that. She's avoiding it. She's fallen out with other people and clearly hasn't tried to make things right with them. She'll be like that with you, too.

Just stay very cool. Don't do that thing which we all do at some point and try to talk yourself back into her favour. She's not worth it. Be civil. Give her absolutely nothing to complain about (that will piss her off) and drop her as a friend. Don't talk about her to other friends in the village, either, otherwise it will get back to her. Talk about her to people who don't know her, if you need to rant.

WilsonFrickett Sat 03-Nov-12 19:10:37

I don't understand why you need to patch things up tbh. It doesnt sound like you're really not talking if there are civil texts, for instance. Just let it drift, be pleasant and friendly when you see her, but move on with your life. You don't have to fix everything in the world, you know?

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