to refuse to cancel our plans because MiL has deigned to visit?

[freddiefrog]

Coming up to 10 years ago we moved 300 miles away

MiL was awful at the time we moved, she didn't approve of us moving and was a nightmare about it.

Over the years we've been back quite often to visit friends and family and we've had a lot visit us here, but MiL has never darkened our door.

Last month FiL and step MiL came down for a holiday and now MiL has decided she's got to come

Now, over the next few weekends we're really busy, and don't have a completely free weekend before Christmas, kids have loads of activities planned, we're foster carers and have loads of activities planned with our LA, we've booked a day on a steam train to see Santa, DD1 has winter camp with her Scout group, etc

So we explained that if she came before Christmas we'd have to muddle through a bit, or she could come down for New Year, or pretty much any time after.

But no, it absolutely has to be before Christmas and she's throwing a strop because we won't cancel plans to accommodate her.

[cozietoesie]

Would you be planning to take her with you on the outings? (I don't know if that's possible what with rules on foster children and adults etc.)

[EdithWeston]

She's being silly - is she often like this, or is something up?

As rule of thumb, let DHs do the negotiating with their DMs. She seems to have heard all the 'can't/inconvenient' bits only. Can he persuade her she's misunderstood and it will be Simply Super to have her along to football matches or other clubs or whatever?

You could try to make her feel really special by getting her to do the Scouting bits - especially if largely outside and absolutely freezing.

[freddiefrog]

Some of the trips we can take them, but the fostering stuff we can't, the steam train is now fully booked so she can't come with us, DD1 will be away for a whole weekend with scouts, we've got a night out with the school governors which she can't come on, so we've said they're welcome but will have to amuse themselves a bit.

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

Don't cancel your plans, but do try to include her. If she gets silly and sulky, then leave her at home when you go on your outings.

YANBU. Your MIL is, though. What does your DH say?

[freddiefrog]

Sorry, x-posted

She is often like this, expects the world to revolve around her.

I don't mind her coming, but she expects us to cancel all our plans so we can be with her the whole time if you see what's mean.

We can't cancel the fostering stuff, it's not fair to cancel DD1's camp when she's been looking forward to it.

Everyone else who comes here seems to be quite capable of amusing themselves for a couple of hours if one of the kids is at a birthday party or something.

[cozietoesie]

Emphasise the things you can take her on then and give her some ideas (local places of interest?) for the times you won't be there. Otherwise, let her strop.

I have to say that my concern is for the kids on this one. You adults could probably take it on the chin but I would be worried about her getting to yours and then throwing scenes in front of the young ones - which they really don;t need. Is there any likelihood she would do that?

[LimeLeafLizard]

Yes, what does DH say? Let him sort it out with his mum!

[freddiefrog]

Sorry, x-posted again.

DH is abroad at the moment for work and won't be back until next weekend so can't do anything about it. I'm getting the brunt of it as she's determined to organise it now

[MajesticWhine]

YANBU - definitely don't cancel things. Tell her to come on the weekend where it is least disruptive and she will just have to deal with it.

[NewNames]

I wouldn't change a thing for her. You've told her it's best to come after Xmas so tell her that will be when she is welcome. Why is she suddenly in such a rush. If she says 'it must be before xnas' the answer is 'sorry, it can't be'. The end

She's being a nob. Fuck her

[Whoknowswhocares]

How incredibly rude of her! she invites herself down, then tries to insist on what you will be allowed to do during that time? Bloody prima donna!!

Stand firm. either tell her she cannot come till after Christmas when it is convenient or she mucks in with whatever you are doing.

[redexpat]

Oooh if she's desperate to organise it now you could just ignore her, screen calls etc. THat'd really wind her up

[VioletStar]

No YANBU. My FIL comes and visits with no notice. We carry on as always and he just fits in around it all. This means he sometimes sees the DC for about an hour. He's fine with that as he gets to see them all excited and happy and misses any grouches. Win-win for both him and DC. Puts me out sometimes but small price to pay if they're all happy. If he complained however, DH would have words to the effect of 'well pre-arrange a better time then'... Good luck with it but carry on doing your things. Tough on her but then you have given her options to come in New Year when its less hectic. Her choice.

[freddiefrog]

Trouble is, we don't really have a least disruptive weekend. There is at least 1 thing on every weekend that we can't take her to - next weekend is fairly free but because DH won't be back until Saturday evening she doesn't want to come.

I'm pretty sure the only reason she's in such a hurry to come down is because FiL's just been. I mean, she's had 10 years to get her arse down here so I'm not feeling very accommodating

We'll see her at Christmas anyway - we're going to stay at my mum's for Christmas (we always stay with my mum as MiL doesn't have room for us all) but she's coming to my mums on Christmas Day and we'll see her at least once more while we're up there.

I'm going slightly blue in the face here!

[cozietoesie]

Oh this is awkward for you. Only you know the background to your foster(s), and any issues arising from that, but if there's any possibility of her being self-absorbedly disruptive prior to Christmas, I'd personally be totally unaccommodating to the point of saying No. Especially if you'll see her at Christmas anyway.

This may put you in the Big Bad Wolf costume but if you can square your DH on it, I suspect you can live with that?

[diddl]

She´s seeing you all CD?

TBH I´d put her off then.

My ILs have never been here (10+yrs) as my husband won´t promise to take holiday for the length of any visit.

[freddiefrog]

Yes, she'll see all of us Christmas day. My mum and dad invited her and step-FiL over for the day - she lives in a gorgeous but teeny tiny cottage which is not big enough for DH and I, 2 kids and the dog, and she gets quite jealous so my mum invited her to keep the peace.

I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall right now, she's got 2 choices 1) come whenever, muck in and accept she won't see all of us for the entire time or 2) wait until after Christmas. Neither of which are acceptable to her so she's just banging on and on.

She is capable of throwing a sulk when here and guilting the kids into cancelling their plans - she wouldn't (can't) do it with our FC, but I wouldn't put it past her doing it with our 2.

I've ignored the last 2 calls and let the answer phone pick it up, she's getting quite hysterical as she needs to speak to me now!

She only wants to come because FiL came last month, otherwise we wouldn't hear from her

[Inertia]

I'd just tell her that you are too busy for her to visit and let her throw a stop. She's going to see her arse whatever you do, so don't rearrange plans to accommodate someone who is such a petulant brat she wants looked- after children to miss out on treats.

[DontmindifIdo]

Let her throw a strop, it doesn't work for you to have visitors before Christmas. Does she want to book a weekend after Christmas now, or wait a while?

[AThingInYourLife]

Ignore her. She's being a complete pain in the arse.

[cozietoesie]

If she's capable of sulking and manipulating the kids then just say 'No - not convenient'. She's a grown woman and they're potentially more vulnerable. I'd just answer the next one and tell her or she's going to phone all weekend.

Best of luck

[JustSpidero]

Can you send a list of what you've got on and who is in/out plus whether or not she can tag along and say - 'this is the score for the next few weeks if you want to come down before Christmas, or if you'd rather we can arrange a weekend early in the New Year when we have more free time to enjoy your visit?'

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

Call her and tell her that as she clearly expects to spend the entire time she's here attached at the hip then she will have to come in the New Year & that's that and if she picks a weekend now you will try to keep it free of other things but dont.

Just because FIL has been it doesn't mean she has the right to come & demand you all cancel your plans - daft cow.

[IloveJudgeJudy]

Oh, you can't have her come and guilt your own DC into not doing whatever it is they had planned. It's not good for them. They'll be torn. I do sympathise. It's hard when you're dealing with such an unreasonable person. I would put her off completely until New Year. Just try the old MN mantras - it's not convenient/possible; that doesn't work for us; or "no". I wouldn't have the courage to just say "no", but you may. Good luck.

[cozietoesie]

By the way - I would phone her or pick up on her next ring rather than just ignoring her. It's generally better, in my experience, to give an arch-manipulator something to focus on even if it's a conversation from which she can paint you as the Wicked Witch of the West. The alternative is eg her deciding to contact your DH or (at a stretch) the police - 'because she's worried that something might be wrong and you have young children'.

I'm not exaggerating. That is a possibility in this sort of situation with this sort of person.