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AIBU or is my MIL's attitude to me being a SAHM?

(74 Posts)
gabbygobsmacker Sat 03-Nov-12 08:30:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SecretNutellaFix Sat 03-Nov-12 08:34:40

SOunds like she is jealous and projecting that onto you.

Tell her to back off. Get your DH to have a word. She is his mother, and she is upsetting you, his wife.

SarkyWench Sat 03-Nov-12 08:36:13

Probably a case of "I suffered so you should too".

ENormaSnob Sat 03-Nov-12 08:37:55


She needs pulling on it imo.

Jsa1980 Sat 03-Nov-12 08:38:31

She's out of order it's not really any of her business as long as you and your other half are happy with the situation.

He's not been moaning to her has he? If not he needs to have a word with her.

Fakebook Sat 03-Nov-12 08:39:17

Wtf! It's your husbands money and you can use it how you see fit. She's jealous, no doubt about it. Ignore ignore ignore.

ledkr Sat 03-Nov-12 08:39:48

I wouldn't spend any time with this woman tbh nasty cow you are looking after her grandchildren is that not a job on itself? Really your dh should be putting her right about this a tell her to back off.

prettypleasewithsugarontop Sat 03-Nov-12 08:40:21

How is it any of their business re: your family finances? It is up to yourself and your husband how you live. Tell her to shove off grin

She is BU and seems to be stuck in times gone by...imagine having to ask DH if you can buy something hmm

PopMusicShoobyDoobyDoA Sat 03-Nov-12 08:41:24

Your DH needs to have a word with her. Downright rude and none of her business.

comelywenchlywoo Sat 03-Nov-12 08:41:28

Personally I think she's BU. As long as your spending is under control there's no issue. Even if it were out of control it would be your DH's place to say something, not hers.

Maybe you could tell her your DH pays you to look after his kids wink

Not much you can do about it tho. Smile and nod, smile and nod!
My Mum hates me spending money too and I think she's jealous of DH's job, conveniently glossing over the fact she could earn very well if she went back to work, but he doesn't want to confused

PoppadomPreach Sat 03-Nov-12 08:41:59

YANBU. She's very out of order.

Shodan Sat 03-Nov-12 08:42:52

Agree she needs pulling up about it.

If it happens again, why not just tell her you have a barter system going with your DH- one blowjob= two tops, one spanking = a pair of jeans etc. I'm sure she'll keep quiet then.

ledkr Sat 03-Nov-12 08:48:44

My mil did a cats bum face when I told her me and dc were off to fireworks tonight as dh is working. She thinks we should all stay on waiting for him to get home for a hot meal and a massage grin
Should have seen her face when I to her I normally go out for drinks with friends when he works Saturday nights!

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 03-Nov-12 08:49:58

How old is your MIL? I'm guessing in her 70's?\

Some of these are quite funny, if annoying.

I took my MIL shopping, it was very icy so I really only was going at a slow crawl on the backstreets as they hadn't been salted. There was a car coming the other way, I stopped just knowing it was going to hit us head on. It did. Dear MIL had the temerity to get out and announce to the other driver (who was guilty of speeding, not looking, shooting the junction) that I was upset because it was my husbands car angry

Erm, no it was MY car, and I was livid because I was 4 months pregnant and he was a fucking numpty tosser who wasn't watching the road

But she was of the generation where there was an expectation of deference to men, christ knows why as she ruled the whole family with a rod of iron. No bloody deference anywhere till I came along grin

Proudnscary Sat 03-Nov-12 08:53:24

Wow attitudes like this make me mad! Tell her to fuck off. Not literally but find a way to say succintly and firmly that she can shove her offensive attitude up her bitter arse.

I work FT, main breadwinner blah de blah. 'My' money is our money. I couldn't earn what I do without dh running the home and picking the kids up from school so we are a team.

handwasher Sat 03-Nov-12 08:53:40

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

I am a SAHM and as far as I am concerned when my husband and I made a joint decision to have children and made a joint decision that the best thing for our children both emotionally and financially was for me to stay at home to raise them then his money became our family money!

It amazes me how many people like to claim that a SAHM is taking or spending her husbands money. You are a team bringing up a family together. You are doing the caring role, looking after this kids, school runs, homework and probably most of the housework and cooking. He brings in the finances.

What does your MIL think would happen if you worked? unless she is volunteering to do all of the childcare for free you would end up paying a lot of money in childcare and may well not be any better off. Also would she rather her grandchildren were brought up in childcare rather than with their own mother?

As you say you have worked very hard and have contributed to the house purchase etc and you are still contributing to the family just not in a financial way.

I would definitely pull her up on it. Next time she does it I would be tempted to use the mumsnet standard "did you mean to be so rude" and follow it up by saying "my husband and I work as a team - any money is family money - please do not be so disprespectful towards me" and I would just repeat this until she got the message!

Personally it sounds as though she is jealous. Maybe she would have loved to have stayed at home with her children and was not able to and she is taking this out on you. Your DH should have a word with her too.

WinkyWinkola Sat 03-Nov-12 08:57:01

Op, it's family money you're spending, isn't it?

It's extremely rude of your mil. None of her business to comment in what you spend your money on.

It is jealousy. I would be dressed in very elegant but obviously expensive clothes every single time I saw her from now on. And if there were any comments, I would say, "it's none of your business."

Sometimes you have to assert yourself.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 03-Nov-12 08:57:41

What does your DH say about his mother?

Nanny0gg Sat 03-Nov-12 08:57:45

Buy what you want and wear what you want. And ignore her.
However, if you must engage, point out the large contribution you made to the family finances before you had the children, and the fact that you now work inside the home, rather than outside the home and that you and your husband are perfectly in agreement about your own domestic arrangemets.
Oh, and then tell her (and the others) to Mind Their Own Bloody Business.

maresedotes Sat 03-Nov-12 08:58:45

Yanbu. Don't go shopping with her and when she comments on any new purchases laugh and say "it's our money". I don't get this, it's the husband's money idea. Your relationship is a partnership. Also, make sure you say it in front of him.

gabbygobsmacker Sat 03-Nov-12 09:00:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proudnscary Sat 03-Nov-12 09:00:52

I love it when we all agree!!

WillYouDoTheFandango Sat 03-Nov-12 09:04:13

Your op is full of justification, but honestly you don't have to justify yourself to us and you certainly don't have to justify yourself to your MIL.

You and DH have a system that works and it's no one else's business, as the other posters say the money is family money. If you had to justify all spending to your husband like this there would be cries if leave the financially abusive bastard! I think your DH needs to have a word with his DM and tell her to keep her beak out explain that it's a joint effort

akaemmafrost Sat 03-Nov-12 09:05:18

I'd tell her to mind her own business. I know this because I told my ex FIL this on many a similar occasion. If he tried to argue his point I told him "that may be the way you and MIL did things but I do not want a life like that, so lets leave it there".

She sound awful.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 03-Nov-12 09:05:44

I too would ask your dh to talk to her. She's being very rude. If she said anything more to me i'd ask her to keep her opinions to herself. Just that, no argument

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