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who is BU me DH or DD?

(27 Posts)
trinn Fri 02-Nov-12 23:22:01

Back story my DD who is now 17 has always been unruly doing things her own way, being very strong willed, I have tried to rein her in god knows I have tried,she has always stolen off me either fags or money, I have in the past flown at her and hit her I am not proud of that I deeply regret it, she has been to CAMHS and she told them what they wanted to hear. She has seen a child psychologist who was convinced she had OCD until I made her tell the truth and he said she was troubled due to her mixed up foster family,she told him we were her foster family and her real family were dead apparently her 'real' family were killed in a car crash, I am here alive and well.

She regularly runs away from home not because of abuse or anything because we have found out she is nicking money for drugs or she is taking drugs,so we ground her and she becomes the most sweetest girl on the planet, now fast forward to tonight she sneaked out unsuccessfully as we heard her go out but we have no clue where she is, she lost her phone not long back so she has no phone, my DH is saying leave her to it lock the door I am saying she is my daughter and to wait up till she is in, so who is being unreasonable me for staying up, my DH for going to bed or my DD for going out with a curfew of 10.30pm?

I suspect it might be me

Jackstini Fri 02-Nov-12 23:25:41

Firstly OP is so hard to take in everything you must be going through from this short post.
From the details given though, your dd is BU for going out when grounded. Your DH is BU saying lock the door.
I would leave the door unlocked but would be waiting up.

What support are you getting?

WorraLiberty Fri 02-Nov-12 23:26:42

She sounds very troubled

But a curfew and grounding at 17yrs of age


Doesn't she have her own key?

GrimAndHumourless Fri 02-Nov-12 23:32:04

how difficult

leave the door unlocked tonight

is DH her father?

AgentZigzag Fri 02-Nov-12 23:32:37

I'm only giving you my take on what you've written, so there could be a million things wrong with it of course, but you sound like you have too close a surveillance over her.

I know you've said she might have mental health problems (?), but they aren't necessarily the reason why she's behaving as she is.

Do you really think she's smart enough to outwit CAMHS and a psychologist? I know they're not infallible, but nobody knows all the right answers to get diagnosed one way or the other - I don't think.

You're viewing her as this amazing actor who goes along manipulating everyone in her path to get her own way, I'm sure there are a lot of parents of teenagers who would nod with that and say that is what their DC do, but nowhere in your post have you factored in your DD.

Where does the real DD fit in? Is it not possible that she has things she wants to get and do and is finding ways of getting them?

They might not be things you approve of, like drugs, but those are what she's chosen - for this moment in time.

It's not inevitable that they'll turn her into a massive failure as an adult.

A curfew of 10.30 is pretty strict, I know it's your house, but 10.30 for a 17 YO??

Softlysoftly Fri 02-Nov-12 23:35:45

I don't really get the foster family bit and you really need to sort the hitting out as it will be pushing her further away but she is BU to sneak out and DH is BU to lock her out.

Curfews, grounding, hitting? At 17 would have made me run too. She's nearly an adult, sit and talk to her about how her actions make you feel, how worried and hurt. How you react because you live her, that you are struggling and not proud of yourself for lashing out. Then ask her to open up to you and set adult ground rules that she is setting for herself therefore invested in.

pigletpower Sat 03-Nov-12 00:11:29 I missing something here? She has told two professional bodies that her 'real' parents died and you are her foster parents? Has she been diagnosed with a mental illness?

PinkFairyDust Sat 03-Nov-12 00:35:40

I think she needs serious help if she is acting like that - what 17 year old says to a professional her parents are dead?

Maybe family counselling too?

ChocolateTeacup Sat 03-Nov-12 01:01:24

Is she back? If she has told the two professional bodies you are dead what have their response been given that you clearly are not?

Also at 17 she is a bit too old for curfews.

She can:

Leave home without consent (and move out entirely)
Give blood
Learn to drive
Have her details on the census
Go to prison
Claim social security benefit under certain circumstances.
Join the army, although not active service.

Try and treat her as the young adult she is and get a safe for your valuables

Themumsnot Sat 03-Nov-12 01:03:38

She is 17 - almost an adult.
You have hit her.
She has gone out.
You have given her a curfew of 10.30pm
Your DH thinks you should lock the door.
You need to start treating her like the adult she almost is. Curfews and locking out are not the way to go. She is clearly upset. Listen to what she is saying to you.

aldiwhore Sat 03-Nov-12 02:13:23

She should have her own key, but I understand your worry considering you suspect she spends her money on drugs.

I will say that it depends on what 'drugs' she's spending her money on as to whether you are reasonable or not.

At 17 I had no 'curfew' I was simply expected to be quiet. I was also working and paying my mum my 'keep' (not rent, just a few quids contribution).

She probably winds you up until you react badly. I didi the same to my mum, she hit me, she is THE most placid person on the planet, but she knew my buttons and pressed them hard out of frustration, I reacted, I pushed her back, she hit me... I hit her once, horrible.

I think you need to meet in the middle somewhere. She isn't your baby anymore, she needs her freedom and key, she needs to know you won't be waiting up half the night until she's home. You need to know she's safe.

I also stole off my mum. She had to lock her bedroom door... it wasn't just cash it was lipstick, clothes, everything... I am not proud 20 years on, but even though it was unjustifiable, even though it was wrong, I can still remember me feeling justified because my parents assumed a lot, judged a lot and listened little. I was a real emo teen who was angry that my parents didn't at least TRY to understand.... not saying that's you, but it sounds like you clash enough for it to be similar.

It really does depend on the 'drugs' she's taking and how much she's stealing as to how far you go at tackling this. Either way, she needs no curfew and a key. Zero tolerance on the stealing. She needs to pay you 'keep'. The mistakes she makes you cannot avoid, and will only exacerbate if you keep that 10.30pm curfew, but you don't have to tolerate her stealing from you.

pigletpower Sat 03-Nov-12 02:36:24

Sorry,I just can't believe that you have not reacted to her telling people that you are not her real parents. What have the professionals diagnosed?

trinn Sun 04-Nov-12 23:21:02

sorry for not coming back been a hard weekend husband had a serious incident at work and I was supporting him through that.

For clarification she told friends we were dead and we where her foster parents, she had some close friends whom were in foster care for that reason I found out off a mum at school I went ballistic, she steals for fags and drugs, for clarification I give her money but the more money I give her the more she steals, at the moment the drug is weed and charlie I have sat her down and talked to her.

Again for clarification I flew at her ONCE she was goading me big style and I didn't hold my temper I am very placid and won't fly at anyone infact I walk away from arguments as I like a quiet life.

The professionals said she had OCD which I contested as she doesn't have OCD she googled it on the internet as she heard them talking so she googled it and did have all the right answers it wasn't until I showed them her room (which is a complete tip) that they agreed.

She has stolen off me, he dad, her brother, and broke into her grandma's house to steal, I have given her a key to the house came home and found a lot of things missing.

She is also barred from numerous shops in our town centre as she's been caught shop lifting which I have bailed her out on, on numerous occasions.

She is known to the police as a frequent flyer as when she runs it's when I have found she has been stealing yet again.

I have a safe which I keep valuables in and I carry my bag around with me in the house which isn't normal, but sometime I forget and leave my bag Just today she took £20 out my purse and hoped I didn't notice, I have talked to her and she is adamant she didn't take it no one else was in the house and shes come home stoned.

She came home that night drugged or pissed one of the two and thought it was funny until she crashed big time.

So what the hell do I do? leave her to be a pothead and a thief?

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Nov-12 23:23:47

How long has she been like this, OP? Is there a hormonal link? Are there any times when she can discuss what she's like rationally?

PinkFairyDust Sun 04-Nov-12 23:23:53

Family counselling ?

MickeyTheShortOne Sun 04-Nov-12 23:33:39

If she is taking cocaine regularly then there is a serious problem. Well, actually theres a serious problem if she is taking cocaine at all, but all the thievery you have mentioned sounds as if she is trying to fund an addiction.

Unfortunately, speaking from personal experience, you cannot help a person that won't help themselves, and as much as it hurts, sometimes standing back and leaving them too it is the only thing you can do.

If you can prove she is stealing from you, report her to the police. They'll get her the right help and hopefully put the wind up her. Harsh, I know, and I am under no circumstances saying that I am right, but in my personal opinion, this is what I would do.

MickeyTheShortOne Sun 04-Nov-12 23:36:07

Oh sorry, I've just read your last post again- I didn't see that she was known to the police already. Do they know about the drug use?

trinn Sun 04-Nov-12 23:39:34

she has been like this all her life the stealing started oh when she was about 5 going down the street getting invited into ppls homes by saying we didn't give her sweets (we had and still have a drawer full).

I know she is 17 and I have to give her space which I do but the more she gets the more she wants the curfew is for a reason, I told her when she was 16 no curfew up to you when you come in she came in blind drunk and stoned every night, so I introduced a curfew.

I have had her mates whom she owes money to put my front window in twice, once when I was talking to the police, and they have wrecked our car slashed the tyres and put the windscreen through, when challenged the 'mate' says she owes her £30,now it's like £200+, and thinks I am to scared to go to the police all I need is to her on camera and believe me I'll go.

it's now driving me to my wits end, I can't leave my bag anywhere, my son cannot leave his money lying about, my mil now hides her purse it's driving us all mad.

AgentZigzag Sun 04-Nov-12 23:40:29

I must disagree with you about the OCD situation you just described trinn.

There's no way any 'professionals' would reverse their diagnosis of OCD just by seeing someone had an untidy bedroom. I also doubt you could google the 'answers' to what could give her a diagnosis of it, it just doesn't work like that.

You're going on stereotypes that it's to do with germs or over tidiness, the person diagnosing her would know better than that.

What kinds of professionals looked at her room? Did they come round especially to see whether you were right?

trinn Sun 04-Nov-12 23:43:34

mickey done the police thing she laughed, they took her down from our house blues and twos got her in a cell and she laughed thought it was a big fucking joke, she isn't scared of the police (unlike me), I have brought her up right to respect authority to respect her elders but she isn't she is feral, and I can't undrestand where I went wrong

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Nov-12 23:46:15

The biggest problem, of course, is that now she's 17 she's at risk of being put into an adult prison if she offends in the next year or so.

What does she do all day? School? College? Work? Stay at home?

trinn Sun 04-Nov-12 23:50:19

agent it was a child psychologist he came round to my house for an informal chat, if you google OCD theres loads of stuff on the internet ie 'do you do this' ' do you that' he came round to see her in her own environment asked her questions one sticks in my head 'if your mum moved your school shoes how would that make you feel?' she said 'upset' he said 'ok so normally where would you put your shoes?' she said 'on my stairs as I know where they are' this was well over 10 years back but he was going to give her a DX of OCD until I said if he would like to see her room and where the shoes and everything was he took one look and said she is NT

trinn Sun 04-Nov-12 23:52:27

collage, she got chucked off a course last year for not attending I begged and pulled in all my favours (I was a student in the same collage) and she is now on a different course but slipping on that as well

SouthernComforts Sun 04-Nov-12 23:57:11

Your posts could be written about my brother 6 years ago (apart from seeing any health professionals). He put our family through hell. I have no real advice, but fast forward to now at 24 and he lives with his girlfriend and 2 year old, he has full time job and is at college. He isn't perfect but he is like a different person now.

SouthernComforts Sun 04-Nov-12 23:59:50

Sorry, posted too soon. Just wanted you to know this might not last forever, however bad it is now.

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