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to expect my step daughter to have to contribute to household.

(116 Posts)
ichangedmymindagain Fri 02-Nov-12 12:27:22

My sd finished UNI and is now living back at home , she has a part time job and usually works around 22 hrs . I have suggested that she starts to contribute towards the family household bills , ie small amount for food or small amount for her board . Her dad thinks she should and we said we would talk about it . When chatting to her yesterday , she said none of her friends paid anything and she wasnt sure if she wanted too . Do adults living back at home really not contribute any more , am i unreasonable to think she should . We are not asking for loads ...

Fairylea Fri 02-Nov-12 12:29:48

No I think she is being unreasonable. She is 22 and finished uni. Is she looking for full time work? She should make a contribution. And I doubt her friends don't - I bet a lot of them are renting with friends!

I had my dd when I was 22 and paid a mortgage !

webwiz Fri 02-Nov-12 12:30:38

You have to laugh don't you "she wasn't sure she wanted to" smile YANBU she's an adult she needs to pay up.

diddl Fri 02-Nov-12 12:30:39

Well I don´t think it´s her decision tbh & her "not wanting to" would piss me right off!

I think I would at least want money for food.

Will other bills go up by much?


sooperdooper Fri 02-Nov-12 12:30:42

Of course she should contribute, it's nothing to do with what her friends do - if she got her own place she'd pay a lot more!

YANBU, she needs to learn to pay her way

GoldPlatedNineDoors Fri 02-Nov-12 12:31:38

I contributed to my keep at home omce I had finished full time education. She is being UR. Also, it sounds as though the decision is being left to her which it shouldnt be.

Themumsnot Fri 02-Nov-12 12:32:01

Sit down with her and show her how much it costs to run the household for a month - mortgage/rent/bills/food etc. Then explain that you are not looking for her to contribute a third of that total but that she needs to make some contribution. It isn't up to her to 'not be sure if she wants to' pay for her keep. As an adult her wages are not pocket money, they are how she earns her living.

FireOverBabylon Fri 02-Nov-12 12:33:02

"she wasnt sure if she wanted too" sorry but that's made my day grin grin

I think the word you're looking for is "tough"

She's no longer a student and, as a working adult in your house, contributes a proportion of her income to your living costs.

Thems the breaks. She could move out if she doesn't like it and see how much cheaper that is......

If her friends don't have to pay then their parents are failing to set them up for adult life. Go back to school when "everyone" went to X party and "no-one" went to bed at 9.30pm. Same principle applies here.

honeytea Fri 02-Nov-12 12:33:24

Yanbu she should be contributing already by perhaps buying and making dinner for you all a couple of times a week and noticing when essentials like loo roll and bread/milk are running low and buying more.

Do you and your dp need the money or is it more of a lesson in paying her way? If it's more to teach her the value of money you could do as my dp's family did and save the money she gives you, then give it to here to help with a deposit fir her first house/car.

vj32 Fri 02-Nov-12 12:33:32

If she is only working p/t she presumably isn't earning much? What about her contributing a token amount and then doing certain jobs around the house?

Fairylea Fri 02-Nov-12 12:34:17

I'm not sure I want to pay the mortgage this month... maybe I won't.


Voiceofthevoiceless Fri 02-Nov-12 12:35:59

I'd left home and was paying my own bills by 22!S
he should be contributing something OP even if it is only a small amount.

sooperdooper Fri 02-Nov-12 12:38:05

Also, I'd ask for it to be set up as a direct debit, don't fall into the idea of her giving you it in cash, and missing some months if she finds something more interesting to spend it on, I have loads more interesting things to spend my money on than the gas bill but I can't get away with ignoring it, lol

Ithinkitsjustme Fri 02-Nov-12 12:38:59

We had a similar thing with my DS who was working 6 hours a week (earned £220 a month) we take £60 rent (ie. goes in my pocket and stays there) and half of any overtime/ extra he earns which is saved for him for when he leaves home up to a max of £400 (inc. the £60). Every year it goes up until at some point it will be cheaper for him to move out than stay at home. None of his friends pay any rent at all but since last September he has saved £4K and he understands why we have done this. It's better, imo, to set the groundrules now than let it drift.

Fairylea Fri 02-Nov-12 12:39:18

I think I would actually work out what you want her to contribute and them sit down and show her how much some bedsits and small flats cost to rent with photos from rightmove and if she gets funny say she is welcome to go and live there instead.

maybenow Fri 02-Nov-12 12:40:59

i think it depends what she's doing - when i went back after uni i worked two jobs to save for a post-grad course, my parents didn't ask me to contribute and in return i tried to be as self-supporting as possible.

if she's working 22hrs min wage she's not exactly rolling in it, but a contribution towards food would be a good starting point if she's not in a position to pay towards the mortgage/bills of a large family house.

yellowsubmarine53 Fri 02-Nov-12 12:41:30

In her position at 22, I contributed a small but not tiny amount towards the household and also did a good share of cooking, cleaning etc. I was an adult who had been paying my way for years and went to live at home for a bit following a hospital admission. Didn't occur to me not to.

Afrodizzywonders Fri 02-Nov-12 12:42:39

It's time to welcome her to the.real world. Yanbu. I contributed from the age of 17, just before I went to uni. It made me feel proud.....I felt a grown up. I even had a job through uni and contributed payment for my digs, paid off my student loans etc....made me respect money, not fritter and work hard.

It's a very important lesson she needs to learn.

nkf Fri 02-Nov-12 12:42:40

I think it's a good principle that working adults pay towards their keep but this is a child who is used to being kept. So it's a lesson for her. Hilarious response I agree. How does one set the rate?

redlac Fri 02-Nov-12 12:45:21

My mum took digs off me out of my YTS wage and DH's mum even took a token amount of him when he was signing on!

She needs to learn that it doesn't matter if she wants to - if she wants fed, watered and heated in your house, as an adult she needs to contribute

ichangedmymindagain Fri 02-Nov-12 12:47:38

thanks for the replys , she is a nightmare with cleaning the house and she never cooks , even if she is home before i finish work , she treats the house like a student halls and it causes loads of argumants . dad doesnt want her too move out and thats why he sort of backs me , but wont push the point . She tells everyone in her family she has a hard time at home , but doesnt see that by not helping its making things difficuly. I now don't do her laundry and she dreadful with doing that, leaving it till there is so much and then leaving it wet all over the house . She is a good kid , but just seems to think this is a free hotel .

anklebitersmum Fri 02-Nov-12 12:48:28

grin and shock at 'not sure she wants to' <continues to howl with laughter>
sounds like my 5yr old when told to turn the Wii off..

I have to agree with most here, pay up and look big like it or not on her part.

20% net wages would be about the equivalent of what I paid at a similar age if that helps (mind you I'm old and Mum & Dad were Strict) and I did a chores list smile

DragonMamma Fri 02-Nov-12 12:49:40


On minimum wage she would be on around £133 a week so I would be asking for £30 a week for food and board out of that. £100 is more than enough for everything else, it's more than I am left with some weeks!

I'd be looking for 25% of her take home pay for everything. It's much cheaper than she'd get anywhere else for rent alone so I'd be grateful if I were her.

LeeCoakley Fri 02-Nov-12 12:50:07

I think a token amount of money maybe 10 or 15% if you are comfortably off but it's the contribution towards running the house I think would be more useful, washing, cooking, cleaning etc. All things she would have to do if she was living away from home. It'd be useful for her too. Remember to expect the same off your own children though!

larry5 Fri 02-Nov-12 12:52:32

When my two dss were living at home they paid me a quarter of their take home pay which meant that when ds2 was unemployed he gave me a quarter of his benefit money.

Dd is in her final year at uni and next year she wants to return home to study for her PGCE so she will be paying us a quarter of her loan/grant money. She has had to budget all the time she has been away at uni so she knows some of what it costs to live.

On the other hand her long term boyfriend only gives his mum £25 a week which is a small fraction of his take home pay. It will be much more difficult for him if they end up renting together.

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