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or is DH? Warning: long and arguably petty!

(95 Posts)
moviemadness Thu 01-Nov-12 18:47:42

OK, this is going to seem silly, but DH and I are bickering over a recent trip to the cinema.

DH's family are not great at communication and not very connected as a family. Instead of them being clear and concise with issues of domestic life, they tend to just put up and shut up or expect everyone else to go along with what they want (depending on who the issue involves) until someone suddenly explodes from frustration and it all comes pouring out in a big row.

DH has of course picked up these habits and is sometimes blind to the effect it can have on a family unit and how it can cause unnecessary problems.

For example, we once stayed with his DM and were paying rent for the time we were there. DH's job has times of the year when things can be very stressful. He had a weeks holiday coming up which everyone was aware of. His mother decided she was going to have the bathroom overhauled without mentioning it to anyone. We only found out the morning the guys came round to do the work. Keep in mind we were paying rent. It caused a huge issue with DH's ability to work at home as well as massive inconvenience during a very stressful work week. Had she simply mentioned that builders were coming to do some work, he could have asked her to hold on a few days till the start of his holiday.

Incidents of complete lack of communication like this are totally normal in his family even though they constantly lead to disagreements in domestic life.

DH doesn't understand that communication even with minor issues is key to having a smooth running and stress free home life.

The other day we decided to go and watch a film.

I asked him how long a film was and he told me an hour and a half without checking.

The film was actually two and a half hours long and it caused subsequent problems which would take too long to explain, but to give an idea, we missed DD's bedtime, I wouldn't have wanted to go let alone take DD had I known.

He does this kind of thing all the time (at least once a week) and I am so fed up. I don't understand why he didn't just check the films run time so I would have just stayed home to begin with.

He says it was just a throwaway response. When he does this though, it can cause all sorts of confusion and stress.

He was on the cinema's website when I asked so could so easily have checked.

I know it sounds petty in isolation, but he does this constantly and I am at my wits end explaining to him that this kind of blaze' attitude to answering simple questions can cause a lot of stress later on.

I am finding this hard to explain.

DH thinks I am BU and that I am seeing his actions as malicious even though they are not.

I just do not understand why he wouldn't check the run time of the film when I asked specifically and I think it is really rude.

AIBU? And does anyone out there understand what I mean? Its so hard to explain.

Its just that a minor thing can spiral, causing larger problems because of one blaze' answer to a question that doesn't require a brain surgeon to answer.

GilbGeekette Thu 01-Nov-12 18:50:10

Not sure I can be of much help but didn't want to read and run.

Have you tried explaining to him, calmly, that it's difficult when he does this, any why it's difficult? Think "When you do x, it makes me y" style simple. It's the only thing that works with my DH, who I love dearly, other than the need to sometimes spell stuff out one word at a time to him.

moviemadness Thu 01-Nov-12 18:53:26

Honestly Gil he just doesn't seem to be able to grasp how frustrating it is sad

I told him I would start this thread for outside opinions and will show it to him regardless of whether I am found U or not.

Tee2072 Thu 01-Nov-12 18:53:59

I do understand what you are saying but it sounds to me like you don't communicate well either.

"Can you please check the length of the movie as I don't want to be out past DD's bedtime." is direct and to the point. Sounds like that's what you need to be with him.

moviemadness Thu 01-Nov-12 18:56:45

That's what he said Tee.

I suppose I just expect that if I ask a question like that, he would give me the actual answer.

It makes me feel like he act's like a child if I have to spell out exactly why I need a 'proper' answer.

diddl Thu 01-Nov-12 18:59:18

Well-you don´t really expect to have to spell it out to an dault do you?

How long is the film-not that easy to get wrong unless you are too lazy to look/don´t think that it deserves a proper answer...

Catsmamma Thu 01-Nov-12 19:01:55

are you sure you are suited?? he seems very laissez faire and you do not.

I am sure if dd is old enough to go to the cinema in the even an extra hour is not going to be ruinous when it comes to bed time.

I prescribe a course of loosening up for you and a small dose of get a grip and pay attention for your dh

BeauNeidel Thu 01-Nov-12 19:05:11

My DH is similar in that I will ask him the question and he will reply with a 'should be....' or 'might be....' answer. I always ask him to check now as his guesses are invariably wrong which is infuriating.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 01-Nov-12 19:06:02

Essentially the issue for me would have been that he lied. To save himself some work. That is actually treating you quite poorly. My DH might have said, "I can't be arsed to check" but wouldn't have lied about it.

dearprudence Thu 01-Nov-12 19:07:16

Do you not go to the cinema often? 90 minutes is about as short as a film ever gets, and then you need to add the half hour or so for ads/trailers, so 2 hours minimum is a reasonable estimate for the time you'll be in there.

And if there were other consequences more serious than an hour onto DD's bedtime, you didn't 'communicate' those either, so it's a bit unfair to criticise DH for lack of communication.

I agree with one thing you said - it does sound petty.

thebody Thu 01-Nov-12 19:14:13

Good grief!! You choose to marry the man and presumably understood what he and his family are like.

You are different, so what? Your agonising over details probably drives him mad.

You need to work out if something is very important to you and if it is you do it yourself( like check cinema times)

And presumably he is more on the ball in other ways or has other strengths, ( maybe brilliant at his job/ DIY/ reading to dd etc.

You can't change people and you shouldn't try. For better or worse aye even if he is a pita no dough you are as well at times.

moviemadness Thu 01-Nov-12 19:15:48

diddl that's why I am upset, I think it show's a massive lack of care if he can't even answer such a simple question when the answer is literally at his fingertips.

Our DD is 18 months old. We wanted to see how she would do at the cinema (yes, big mistake). Because I thought the film was 90 minutes, I waited in the foyer for over an hour before I found out it was 180 minutes long.

I was prepared to watch DD if she wasn't able to watch the film, but I wouldn't have been had I known it was well over 2 hours long.

I had to leave DD's pushchair and some bits and pieces in the theatre and didn't want to ask DH to bring them outside as I knew he was really looking forward to seeing the film. I asked him to do it after finding out how long the film would be and he was clearly put out which made me angrier.

Yes it was a silly thing to do to take her to begin with, but I felt I could cope for a little over an hour if needs be.

I was mostly furious DH hadn't even bothered to actually check the run time of the film. It is just such a simple thing to do.

LadyBeagle Thu 01-Nov-12 19:15:54

I think you need to chill out a bit actually.
You didn't explain why the film being an hour longer was such a crisis, but if it was just about a later bedtime for your dd, so what.
And the whole bathroom thing seems to be you making an issue about it, and seemed to be a while ago as well.
Again, so what?
Sorry Op but you sound a bit uptight. You can't organsise your whole life to a timetable, things get in the way sometimes.

potoftea Thu 01-Nov-12 19:16:54

I think people are over fixing on the cinema issue here. Yes it is a petty incident, but a petty incident in a long line of petty incidents becomes something you could murder for eventually!

I have no advice as I am married for 23 years and dh still does this type of stuff. If he was going out and I asked roughly what time he expected to be home; he would give a time without working out really how long he expected to be out. I will keep saying, "I don't mind how long you say now, but just want to plan for later, so are you sure you will be home around x time". He will insist yes, but arrive hours later. Just can't understand why I am annoyed then. I find it so insulting that he can't give my question some proper thought.

EndoplasmicReticulum Thu 01-Nov-12 19:19:49

OP, I know exactly what you mean. My husband's family let stuff happen. They don't bother checking arrangements, checking times, etc. They bumble through as best they can through a series of inconveniences that could have been avoided with a little bit of planning.

My family - like a military operation. Everything planned to the last degree, no spontaneity allowed. It's taken a bit of getting used to, different ways of doing things. I like to think we've met somewhere in the middle, and are both compromising a bit.

My husband is still a fan of the vague response. And trying to organise visits - he doesn't seem to understand that it might be useful for me to know how many relatives are turning up and whether they might want to be fed.

On the other hand, my need to know every last detail irritates him.

moviemadness Thu 01-Nov-12 19:24:24

We didn't get to the cinema till after all the ads and factored that in as well as extra time. DD missed her bed time because I had to wait before getting the pushchair in order to take he home. This was after I had expected the film to end.

TBH, that is a minor issue. I am angry about the fact that he didn't let me know the film time really.

thebody, I feel that a relationship is about cohesion and being a family unit. Surely if I ask what time a film finishes to the person who wants to watch it and is booking the tickets, surely it is a simple question to answer?

I didn't know his family were like this till after we got married.

diddl Thu 01-Nov-12 19:25:00

"I find it so insulting that he can't give my question some proper thought."

Yes that, surely?

Does he frequently get to work late as he can´t be bothered to figure out his journey time/correct bus/train whatever?

moviemadness Thu 01-Nov-12 19:29:18

"I think people are over fixing on the cinema issue here. Yes it is a petty incident, but a petty incident in a long line of petty incidents becomes something you could murder for eventually!"

Poto I could kiss you!!

Honestly he did this rarely (though on occasion) before but he just does it constantly now sad

I was fine with it being an occasional occurrence before and didn't even notice, but now it is so frustrating.

mauwmauw Thu 01-Nov-12 19:29:25

Endoplasmicreticulum are you actually me and my dh? I could have written your post word for word.

OP you just have to get past it, as I did I came to an epiphany that, he can't change that aspect of himself but I can control how much it bothers me. I'm a lot more easygoing now because of it.

diddl Thu 01-Nov-12 19:34:10

Of course he could change!

missymoomoomee Thu 01-Nov-12 19:34:15

It wasn't really an important question though and you sound a like you are over reacting a bit.

I have been married long enough to know that my DH is crap at some things and I can either accept them and work around them or sit and moan and get upset about it.

In your situation, knowing it was important, and he is a bit rubbish, I would have just checked the times myself.

DaveMccave Thu 01-Nov-12 19:35:08

I think it's a little strange that your so frustrated about lack of communication when (presumably-if you did I apologize) You didn't communicate to him that as your DD was so young the length of the film was important, and that it was important to you she was in bed on time. I don't think an hours difference makes much odds but if she really needs such a strict routine, is he aware of this? It seems a bit Gina Ford parenting to me.

I would have answered how your DH did. To me, a film is an hour and a half long on average and it wouldn't occur to me to add on the trailers and queuing for tickets etc. It wouldn't even have occurred to me that you could check online. My boyfriend is aware I'm like this, he voluntarily takes care of checking travel times, routes, etc because I'm useless and underestimate everything. It doesn't seem to bother him, he's extremely organised but very laid back. In fact last time we went to the pictures I checked the film times and didn't realise I'd only checked monday-friday times and not saturday, which it was. We had to see something else, but he didn't mind as it wasn't intentional. I think a bit more communication would be good, you seem a bit more worried about these things and thats ok-we all have different priorities but you need to remember that these issues might not occur to him. He may well be quite understanding if you start to explain a bit more why warning and organisation matters so much to you. Do you have anxiety issues perhaps?

LunaticFringe Thu 01-Nov-12 19:36:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppyAmex Thu 01-Nov-12 19:38:05

Did I read that right? You had to wait with the baby in the cinema foyer for one hour?

I would've left.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Thu 01-Nov-12 19:38:40

This used to cause soooo many issues between me and my Ex.

I used to feel that he didn't give a shit about my feelings if he couldn't be bothered to award my questions about timings any thinking time or headspace, or understand that not everyone 'goes with the flow', some people dislike the inconveniences that spontaneity can cause, and it annoys, frustrates and upsets them to be thought so little about that even a simple question isn't worth answering properly.

God, it used to drive me nutso to have my questions discounted so easily, to be thought so little about that I was not with being given a proper answer to my question and that my worries about timings were insignificant, as were my feelings.

We are no longer together...

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