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to try to get in touch with my brother's ex and my little nephew?

(16 Posts)
Megatron Thu 01-Nov-12 17:26:12

This is long and complicated but I will try to be as to the point as I can be. My brother (I refuse to call him my 'D'B right now as I think he is a cock) has been staying with us for a few days and last night had a few too many. We were chatting and I asked him exactly why he broke up with his ex girlfriend last year as she was so lovely. I didn't know her that well (she lives about an hour away) but she was such a nice woman and I hoped they would stay together as they seemed to really like each other.

He told me that the reason that they broke up is because she fell pregnant and he 'didn't feel ready to be a dad' (he's 42). So he left her. She was pregnant and he left her. angry She had a little boy in March this year who he has not seen nor has any desire to see. He sends her money every month (which she initially sent back but now, thankfully, accepts) and that's as far as his input goes. I am so fucking angry I want to kick his arse so hard but my main concern right now is what I can do for this woman and her son (my nephew for god's sake and I didn't even know he existed sad). I did try to contact her when they split up but she didn't return my calls so I thought she perhaps just felt it inappropriate or something so didn't push it.

What do I do? I really, really want to get in touch to offer my support (she doesn't have any family around her) and to let her know that I would love to be involved in her and her little boys life. What if she thinks we are all like my cocklodger of a brother? I don't want to force myself on her of course, but I do want to let her know that I want to help her.

Incidentally, my brother has gone home now I can barely stand to look at him right now, never mind talk to him. Any advice would be really gratefully received, I have to go out now but will check in later to see if anyone can give me a clue on how I handle this. Thanks.

blackeyedsusan Thu 01-Nov-12 17:43:11

I think if you tell her that you do not support his actions at all and you would like to be in touch for her and nephews sake... perhaps offering a christmas present. tell her you do not want to force yourself on her but you think if she felt able, then dn getting to know some of his fathers side may be good for him. especially as your brother as such an arse...

FeckOffCup Thu 01-Nov-12 17:43:53

Do you know her address? Probably a handwritten letter saying what you have said here, that you had no idea your nephew existed and you are shocked and appalled at your brother's behaviour and would like to be in contact with her and your nephew, that way the ball is in her court and she won't be put on the spot so much as with a phone call. If she says no I think you will have to accept that and move on though, I can understand why you want to see your nephew but I can also understand that she may not want anything to do with anyone connected to your arsehole brother.

WorraLiberty Thu 01-Nov-12 17:49:11

How do you know she wasn't glad to see the back of him?

Has he told you she was upset to see him go?

At least he's providing financially but sadly you can't force him to want children.

Having said that, he should have had the snip.

NatashaBee Thu 01-Nov-12 17:59:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redexpat Thu 01-Nov-12 18:28:30

I'd write to her.

WorraLiberty Thu 01-Nov-12 18:33:13

Be careful about 'offering support' as she might take that as a bit patronising...though that's obviously not your intention.

I'd concentrate on letting her know you had no idea about the baby and you'd like to build a relationship with him.

Though sadly, if she ignored your calls last time she might be of the mindset that she wants nothing to do with any of you now that they've split.

DontmindifIdo Thu 01-Nov-12 18:50:01

I think a letter saying you are shocked at your brother's behaviour, that you didnt know her son exisited and that you and other members of your family would love to have a relationship with your DN if she would be happy with that - would be a good way forward.

She can ignore that letter, but send cards /gifts at Christmas/birthdays and try to keep channels open. She might not want anything to do with any of you, but then at least you've tried.

Megatron Thu 01-Nov-12 19:15:16

I will write her a letter I think. I won't be nobbish about it and I'll be careful how I word it so that I don't sound pushy and then I suppose I'll have to wait and see what she want to do. I'm so gutted. She's a genuinely nice person and he told me she was devastated when he left (though that could also be bullshit).

Worra I agree that you can't force someone to want children but to my mind he should have made damn sure it wasn't going to happen. Apparently he thought about having the snip but 'didn't get round to it'.

bigpants103 Thu 01-Nov-12 20:17:38

If you contacted her when she split up she might have thought you knew about the baby and still didnt want want any contact with you. If that's the case in her mind she will probably feel the same way as she did then.

By writing a letter though you have nothing to lose and can at least let her know you don't agree with how your bro behaved.

3LittleHens Thu 01-Nov-12 20:20:51

You are the little ones aunty.
In my opinion, you should definitely contact her.
I wish you lots of luck x

forehead Fri 02-Nov-12 11:23:31

I agree with all the posters who suggest thast you write to her. If she fails to respond, you must still ensure that communication is maintained. Send birthday cards, Christmas cards / presents. When your dn is older, it will be good for him to kinow that someone from his 'fathers' family cared.
BTW, you are going to be an excellent aunty

fromparistoberlin Fri 02-Nov-12 11:41:51

what forehead said

write, and even if she does not reply send bday and xmas cards

cccc

jellybeans Fri 02-Nov-12 13:43:59

I would contact her and be clear you don't support your brothers actions. Good luck.

Collaborate Fri 02-Nov-12 15:49:18

Do the right thing and have a relationship with your nephew. Well done.

My sister now refuses to speak to me because I send an annual Christmas card to her exH. At least your brother won't care what you do.

WilsonFrickett Fri 02-Nov-12 15:56:49

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing getting in touch, but I think you need to think through the consequences for the rest of your family. And it sounds like she's very switched on and will ask you about things like this before she lets you back into their life. For example, are you going to keep them a secret from you and DB's parents? How do you think they will handle knowing there's a GC out there? Do you have own DCs, etc. I don't say this to put you off, it's just that she may well say something like 'I don't want your brother to know you're seeing us' and you need to be prepared ahead of time if something like that is acceptable to you.

All that said, you are definitely doing the right thing and I wish you all the luck in the world.

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