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To be pissed off with my friend for ruining our holiday

(67 Posts)
fridgepants Thu 01-Nov-12 14:59:23

A few months ago a friend of mine was going through a bad time, so I organised a trip to Paris for the both of us for her birthday. In the intervening months, she has made some awesome changes in her life, seems a lot happier, and so it seemed like it was going to be a much more fun trip.

However, it wasn't:
- She met a guy a few days before, and wanted to talk constantly about whether it was going to work out and what to do about her jealousy issues. On the train home, me with a migraine, she got upset and cried because 'you only want to talk about random shit, not things that mean anything.' This would be a bit hmm, but a few weeks before I'd had a termination which was a far from easy period for me, she was one of the few people to know about it, and whenever I brought it up - I've hardly spoken about it to people - she wasn't interested in discussing this. It's not exactly a fun conversation starter, but still. When I said to her that it was worth taking it slow rather than rushing into something to stop being single (I've done it) she got extremely offended and sulked.
- She complained constantly - there were too many tunnels, she was tired (and wouldn't take up my offer to stop for a coffee as 'I don't drink coffee'), and if I suggested we stopped on the way to somewhere to look at something she was interested in, she would get 'stressed' because 'you're changing the plan'. And she seemed relentlessly negative - I told her I'd bought an eye cream - she is a beauty writer - and she started railing about how it was a completely manufactured product bought by gullible people.
- Halfway through she told me 'I'm quite introverted, so I find spending time with someone else really difficult. Nothing personal'. I decided the next morning to give her some time on her own to relax and go to the supermarket while I went for a walk. I came back and she told me she didn't know where it was (it was literally at the bottom of the road and we'd been there two days before) and complained that she hadn't been able to get her sweets.
- She arranged to meet with her friend for a meal. On the way there, she told me they'd slept together the week before and he told her he loved her. She spent before, during and after asking me whether she should tell him about the new guy, we ended up walking round the red light district looking for a place to drink (?) and on the way home she told me that he'd slept with the cousin he was staying with. What was a fun night on paper turned out to be awkward.
- She was worried about money because she couldn't check her balance. I offered to lend it to her, and already had done so. When I reminded her about it as I thought she was paying for dinner later to pay me back, she started shouting at me in a shop, ran off saying 'You're stressing me out and I can't take it!' and then told me 'money is a really emotional subject'. Admittedly I'm used to holidaying with DP and picking up tabs as we pool our money and I earn more than he does, but I could have done without the shouting.

I've known her for ages, and I came home feeling so resentful and upset that I feel like I don't want to speak to her again. Sigh. When I've e-mailed her since, she's said 'I thought it was my trip but you seemed to want to take over' (I'd been pretty depressed since the termination in September and was looking forward to getting away from home and real life for a few days) and then 'it's quite intense between [new guy] and I, I think we will get married if we feel the same in six months.' So I feel now like she wished I was her boyfriend instead.

Shakirasma Thu 01-Nov-12 15:07:46

YANBU. She sounds like a high maintenance brat. Has she always been so self orientated?

You have been through the mill yourself, do you really have room in your life for somebody like this?

PoppadomPreach Thu 01-Nov-12 15:08:12


She sounds very self absorbed. I'd leave her to get on with life for now and focus on your good friends. It doesn't sound like she'd be any great loss to you. I'm sorry you've had a tough few months too - really shitty of her to effectively ignore that.

I'd just ignore any calls or emails from her for a bit. It may mean the end of a friendship, but that may be no bad thing.

Hullygully Thu 01-Nov-12 15:09:19

She is BATS.

Get a new friend.

JessieMcJessie Thu 01-Nov-12 15:10:22

She's an ungrateful nutjob. You did a nice thing and she was a bitch to you. Chalk it up to experience, ditch her and don't answer the phone when she comes crying about the inevitable breakdown of her new relationship.

halloweeneyqueeney Thu 01-Nov-12 15:13:05

YANBU you sound like a considerate and kind travel companion but sounds like nothing you could have done would have been right!

fridgepants Thu 01-Nov-12 15:13:56

I've known her for six years, hence wondering if I'm feeling too angry about it. It seemed long enough to think that we could get on together over four days, and I was looking forward to a nice girly trip where we could spend time playing with cosmetics/perfume and seeing the sights. It just feels like a real missed opportunity.

DP gets frustrated when we plan to do something and I suggest we can do something else on the way there, but at least then we sort it out and hug. I walk a lot on holiday and we both drag each other to places for our respective hobbies without much complaint, but I find it so hard to deal with someone who seems constantly negative and as though they don't want to do very much at all.

MrsDeVere Thu 01-Nov-12 15:14:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EldritchCleavage Thu 01-Nov-12 15:18:16

You poor thing.
I've had the experience of going away with a good friend and not getting on as well as we both thought, and it is horrible. However, I think your friend sounds as though she was being selfish and making no effort to get along with you. You do have to at least try to salvage something out of it.

Make sure she pays you back too. I'm rather cynical about the blowing up when money was mentioned.

Flatbread Thu 01-Nov-12 15:19:23

Poor you! You sound like a lovely friend and she sounds just awful.

I think life is too short to hang around self-absorbed people who make you feel bad. Chalk it down to experience, never again, and move on. Don't waste any more energy or mental space even thinking about her.

Reply telling her that you'd been looking forward to the trip as a chance to relax and get some support following your recent difficult time, but neither of those happened. What a brat.

fridgepants Thu 01-Nov-12 15:22:33

When I told her about the termination, she emailed back with 'What will you do? If it was me I'd be over the moon, but it's your decision.' I didn't think much to it at the time, but part of why I was so upset was that I had to have it due to an IUD/medication I was taking, and felt really guilty because I know people who do really want children and can't have them, so I feel...retrospectively pissed off.

Which is a bit pointless.

RobinSparkles Thu 01-Nov-12 15:23:13

God, she sounds hard work! I would be completely drained if I had to spend more than an hour with someone like that.

She sounds like a high maintainance, self absorbed, insecure, selfish brat!

I would drop her like a hot potato or, ar the very best, spend a lot less time with her.

She's not good at empathy is she?

Turniphead1 Thu 01-Nov-12 15:23:38

I am I the only one who think you both sound a little bonkers?

Why turnip? Only silly thing the op has done is going with her in the first place

fridgepants Thu 01-Nov-12 15:31:43

I'll freely admit to being a little bit bonkers but I'd like to think it doesn't make me act like a dick.

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops Thu 01-Nov-12 15:31:45

Um, have to say I agree with turnip. You do sound as if you've blown many little things out of proportion.

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops Thu 01-Nov-12 15:32:58

For example: "she was tired (and wouldn't take up my offer to stop for a coffee as 'I don't drink coffee')"

Are you cross at her for not drinking coffee?

WelshMaenad Thu 01-Nov-12 15:33:28

She sounds mank. Let the new boyfriend entertain her from hereon in. It sounds like you went to a lot of effort to make it a nice trip and she's been a bit of a bitch, really.

I'm so sorry about your termination, it sounds like it was horrifically hard for you and if she is one of the few people that knew, it doesn't sound like you've had a lot of support. How are you doing?

WelshMaenad Thu 01-Nov-12 15:35:05

Can people not order tea/soft drinks/cake at a coffee shop? I think the point is, the OP tried to provide a solution to the friend being 'tired' by suggesting a rest stop, and Little Miss Martyr was ridiculous about it.

fridgepants Thu 01-Nov-12 15:35:25

I'm not cross at her for not drinking coffee, no, I'm not on the board of Costa.

It was more like this:

Her: 'I'm really tired.'
Me: 'Do you still want to go to X?'
Her: 'I suppose.
Me: 'Well, if you want to stop for coffee or something at any point just say and we can. Even McDonald's if you're worried about money.
Her: [snaps] I don't drink coffee.

fridgepants Thu 01-Nov-12 15:37:30

Also, we were walking toward an interesting building, and I said the map didn't say what it was, just that there was a shopping centre nearby. 'I don't think it's a shopping centre'. I replied as a joke: 'I dunno, the Trafford Centre is a pretty special building, it has a food court like the deck of the Titanic and EVERYTHING...' and she replied 'The Trafford Centre is BULLSHIT, I don't want to THINK ABOUT THAT when I'm looking at an amazing building!'

I was really taken aback because it's the kind of thing I'd say as a joke at work or with someone else and it wouldn't be taken seriously. It was almost like she really didn't want me to be there.

fridgepants Thu 01-Nov-12 15:40:15

WelshMaenad - mostly OK, it's hard though as I don't currently live with DP (we're moving in next year) and I can't discuss it really with the people with whom I houseshare so I feel a bit alone with it on a day to day basis. I do have a good friend who has talked ot me about it - and offered me a place to stay at the time if I needed it - and to be fair Holiday Friend did phone me when I told her to check if I was alright. But she later said 'well, you mentioned it, then you went quiet, so I assumed you didn't want to talk about it.'

Mostly it feels like a weird dream where I got poked by doctors for a week instead of going to work. And I have weird urges to want to tell people about it so they know what's been going on - as I would if I had a bout of nasty illness - but it's not something you can.

WelshMaenad Thu 01-Nov-12 15:42:35

She sounds DELIGHTFUL. Why are you friends with her, again?

I'm glad you have had some good RL support, it must feel very isolating not to be able to tell people. <very unmumsnetty hug>

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