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Quick, come talk me out of doing something stupid.

(20 Posts)
bakerbakerfairycaker Wed 31-Oct-12 13:24:54

Feeling riled up today and may send a message I'll regret, so sending it here instead.

Gosh, where do I start? Years ago (2001 -2006), I was with a guy who was an emotionally abusive arsehole, he would constantly accuse me of cheating on him (never did once), would abuse my finances, would threaten me if I ever 'embarrased him' (I have recently dx Aspergers, i didn't know I had it at the time but I now appreicate I probably did embarrass him occasionally) and he generally used fear and violence to get what he wanted. He never hit me, although pushed, spat and damaged my possesions. He would cut off my phone, bank car and car etc, you know the sort.

I found out after the relationship ended that he had a coke addiction and trying to understand how he could do what he did to me (last straw was him trying to smash my car into the central reservation while i was driving the car) I put it down to the drugs.

He got a new girlfriend and he had a baby with her, he married her last month and she is pregnant with her second. I wondered if he treated her the same but thought if he is off the drugs and sorted himself out and is happy then good for him.

He scares me. I have bumped into him on one or two occasions since the car incident and have either ran like lightning or froze on the spot (each time i don't think he saw me.

When we broke up I got my best friend (male) to come live with me as I was too scared to be home alone. EX accused us of affair and attempted to beat up best friend after breaking into my home at 3am. Ex was never good in fights.

Fast forward to now and I still live in fear of this man, still have occasional nightmares and avoid places I know he may be.

Last night was a halloween night at a local club and lots of people made the effort to go despite family commitments, etc. I really wanted to go but ex is good friends with DJ so didn't want to risk it.

Turns out he was there and best friend went too. Apparently ex was intimidating and staring out friend all night ( not the first time this has happened) and eventually punched him in the back of the head.

I'm so mad, not just because he has stopped me going out and having a good time but m friends too.

WIBU to send this scrote a message (probably thru FB) I want to tell him he is married with a family and really needs to grow up and let it go, I never once cheated and the whole thing was his fault. let him know how he made me feel. its pathetic, 6 years and still he does these things. His poor wife.

I was so scared but now anger has taken over, I wanna go find him and give him a a few home thruths. I know it would me an insane thing to do but so so so angry.

Sorry, just realised how long and likely to out me this is. Oops.

alphabite Wed 31-Oct-12 13:28:08

No messages but get your friend to contact the police. A fb rant will make the psycho worse. Let the police deal with the punching.

Magrathea Wed 31-Oct-12 13:37:29

OK, I'm not psychologist but it seems to me that sending a message to him will give him exactly what he wants - attention from you. Once he has that attention he can control you in subtle and not so subtle ways again and you will create the exact opposite of what you are trying to achieve.

I know its hard but the best option is really just to ignore the idiot and wait until he has other things to occupy his malevolence. The best thing you can do is show that you have moved on and dont care a jot about his petty shit.

bakerbakerfairycaker Wed 31-Oct-12 13:38:05

Just asking my friend if the punch was inside the club (cctv?)

TBH it isn't the punch that is the issue, apprently it was feeble and to the back of the head, Like I said Ex can't fight for toffee.

It's more the constant fear, avoiding places and injustice of it all. I never cheated, never didn't anything wrong and people are getting the brunt of him just for being friends with me.

Argh. it sounds so childish because it is. It's also no far on his wife surely? I'd be upset if DP was hung up on something that happened with an ex 6 years ago.

bakerbakerfairycaker Wed 31-Oct-12 13:42:12

I cut all contact when we split. In the entire time I have not spoken to him once.

He turned up once at a NYE do and when he arrived loads of people reassured me that they wouldn't let him near me or anything. He left before midnight, felt like a victory but even then I never once even looked him in the eye. I couldn't to scared of him getting back in iyswim

WilsonFrickett Wed 31-Oct-12 13:45:08

Magrathea is right, he punched your friend to get your attention. Don't give it to him. At all. Although I do think your friend should report to the police.

Have you considered counselling? It seems really unfair that you can't move forward with your life.

Magrathea Wed 31-Oct-12 13:47:59

If you cut contact, the best thing is to keep that Radio silence or you will probably open a catering sized can of worms which will sap your energy, esteem and confidence a whole lot further.

Go out where you like but make sure you go with a group of friends and ignore ignore ignore him - if he sees you are nervous he will do it all the more. He sounds like a right sad sack anyway turning up to places on his own - if he knows the room in general think he's a saddo he'll get fed up

pjmama Wed 31-Oct-12 13:48:27

Ignore and avoid. Any communication from you is just likely to fuel the fire. If he makes any agressive advances towards you or your friends, report him. He sounds like a spineless bully and a pathetic excuse for a man, feel glad you have got him out of your life and move on.

bakerbakerfairycaker Wed 31-Oct-12 13:48:49

wilson But I wasn't even there, and he hasn't seen me for years, that is what I dont understand. Why still do it?

I have had counseling and have moved on, but I'll never fully 'get over it' iwkwim. the whole ordeal shaped who I am.

WilsonFrickett Wed 31-Oct-12 13:56:09

Honestly? So you will think 'but I wasn't even there, and he hasn't seen me for years, why still do it?' Because he saw your friend and took the opportunity to fuck with your head. Because he is an EA scrote and all the things you say he is. Potentially he was high too. He may or may not spend a lot of time thinking about you, but you can bet your bottom dollar if an opportunity to mess with your head crosses his path he will take it - as he did, in fact.

With respect, don't overthink what happened - it will move you backwards iyswim. He saw a chance to be an EA cock, he took it.

bakerbakerfairycaker Wed 31-Oct-12 13:59:20

He wasn't there alone, his mate is the DJ and he knew others.

According to friend the punch happened in the stairwell to the smoking terrace. I'm going to ring up later and find out if there is cctv there.

When we broke up he moved miles away (no mates left, I was actually surprised at how many of 'his' friends understood my side and helped me through. A few years later though and the fucker came back to town and everyone had forgotton.

Magrathea Wed 31-Oct-12 14:01:47

Who knows why people do what they do when they are drunk/high etc - I know I've done some spectacularly daft things in my time.

He'd probably had a few and was looking for a scrap with someone anyone and your friend fitted the bill nicely - Ex may not have thought about you in a while until he saw your friend.

Re-reading your original post, I dont think he is stalking you or anything and it seems like (I'm guessing here) you both live in one of those smallish towns where you do occasionally bump into people you'd rather not.

As I say, you'll only give him the attention he wants by reacting and it seems to me that you are frightening yourself a bit more than you should - you can always put going out with a group of friends to the test and see if he turns up. If he doesnt, it is just one of those co-incidence things and you can get on with enjoying yourself, if he is there then you can re-assess the situation and decide what to do.

bakerbakerfairycaker Wed 31-Oct-12 14:08:34

Ok, so there is no getting thru to this type of scum.

Drugs rotted his brain and his ego couldn't be hurt, as he doesn't have a decent size penis to back it up he is extra protective. I get it.

So I just sit back, ignore and let him wind himself up? I win?

Oh and mate is calling the venue later to enquire about the cctv. at the very least to get him barred.

I think I have calmed a little. no longer wanna scream until im blue in the face. cant shake the feeling of unease about his wife tho. hope she doesn't take his shit.

Thanks for the relipes, helped alot.

bakerbakerfairycaker Wed 31-Oct-12 14:11:54

Oh he isn't stalking me. i just actively avoid places he will be for my own mental wellbeing.

just castching glimspe of his photo makes me feel uneasy. and yes, its a very small city.

squeakytoy Wed 31-Oct-12 14:12:06

I think self preservation is what you need to do here.

Think about this.. if you let his wife know what a tosser he is (although I am sure she probably knows anyway), and it splits them up, he is free to start stalking you again.. so on those grounds, leave well alone.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 31-Oct-12 14:13:10

I'm with squeaky on this one OP. Leave well alone.

bakerbakerfairycaker Wed 31-Oct-12 14:19:37

Id never in a million years contact her, I didn't in their first week and I really really wanted to, not my place.

also, imagine the fuel I'd give him with that one. no thanks.

I am allowed to imagine hot pokers in his eyes tho wink

RyleDup Wed 31-Oct-12 14:24:48

I know what you mean op. I have an ex who is as unstable as this. I haven't seen him for years, and I certainly wouldn't want to cross paths with him.
On this, I would have no contact with this guy at all. Nothing. Because if you do, you open the lines of communication and you don't know where it will end. Ignore Ignore Ignore. Any incidents like the one with your friend, call the police, everytime. Show him you and your friends will not put up with his behaviour, but aside from communication with the police, do not talk to him at all. Ever. Because you do not want to invite him back into your life again, and by contacting him you are doing just this, which will not have a great outcome.

aldiwhore Wed 31-Oct-12 14:25:40

I am still scared of bumping into my ex even though I've been happily married for 13 years and with my DH for 15 years, and have two lovely children, and live far enough away not to bump into the ex.

If I'm feeling low, the ex is the bogeyman that haunts me.

YANBU at all. Time IS a good healer, as is distance. There doesn't seem to be much distance between you, your social haunts seem to overlap and that's not a good thing... could you get a restraining order? I'm not sure how these things work especially as he's not harrassing you...

I have found, that getting ME in order has helped, working on how I feel about myself, rather than what he did to me, how far I've come, how wrong he was... but I'd still freeze if I saw him, and it would disturb me for a while after.

I'm surprised he wasn't chucked out of the club tbh, but if you want to go there, I'd speak to the management... if nothing else they can keep an eye on him, and if he does anything they could bar him.

I really feel for you, it is not easy, but you have to keep positive, you are not with him anymore, you're your own person, and he never deserved you.

bakerbakerfairycaker Wed 31-Oct-12 14:30:28

Thanks, Glad to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

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