to feel its mean to drop me as I dont have kids ...(22 Posts)
Yanbu to feel hurt. But friendships change and people move on.
Lots of people get dropped because they have had a baby and their friend doesn't and is not interested. Unfortunately it happens.
Sorry you feel crap.
As for what would I do?
Possibly mope for and afternoon/ evening. Have a long sleep in tomorrow knowing that she will have been up all night and then up properly since 5am. And smile to yourself about the joys of not having kids.
Honestly I have kids and I adore them. But there are many advantages to not having them. I am glad you are happy with your decision and am not belittling how difficult it must be to make that decision. But I am not in the 'kids are the only way to be fulfilled' group.
It might b called mumsnet but I'm not sure the mum bit really covers it. It's more everyone's net, so I think ur perfectly entitled to an opinion or question and posting or responding. I don't have dogs but wouldn't stop me jumping in if I thought a thought of mine valid. Equally I find this place keeps my views widening, rather than narrowing me into "angry, from x" like a pyscho daily mail reader...
Maybe ur friend has no idea how to talk to u now? U had a common link and maybe she's not sure how to move forwards. It's her not u by the sounds of it. If u are good friends can u go for a coffee and ask her? She might b embarrassed. Equally, she might now b so involved with other like mums that maybe she's moved on, this might b the end unfortunately, it does happen. If she accepts offer of coffee might give an indication?
Hope works out!
Things do change when you have a child. Time factors mainly. It's not easy to meet up as much and as a new mummy she might realise her life is really dull compared to yours. How old is the child?
It's not easy being pushed aside. Are you sure she is pushing you personally aside or just very busy?
When I had my first child I found myself not that welcome with my child-free mates as I was boring, knackered and struggled to get out of the house several times a week to meet up. I kept in touch but was on the fringes. Now my kids are no longer babies I can meet up more but its different and I am ok with that as I have a busy life with kids, work etc that I cannot devote more time to the wine bar or coffee shop.
I don't have any advice for you, Chicken, I just think your friend is really missing out if she 'drops' you b/c you don't have children. I love ALL my friends, and I do cherish my childfree friends...many of whom I was friends with before I had my DC. My favourite childfree friend has a lovely flat two hours from my house where I can escape to drink wine and have adult conversation for entire weekends!!
Do you think she feels like it's difficult for you now that she has a baby when you initially did want one? Or maybe she feels a bit lost as a new mum and 'needs' the kid connection with others for support?
I would feel hurt too but when you have a new baby you do tend to get wrapped up in it and everything else pales into insignificance and friendships can get neglected. Usually this doesn't last that long and you wake up out of this baby fog and search for your friends and the outside world. Don't give up on her just yet x
Are you sure she's dropped you? Maybe she is just very busy - or maybe she is unsure how to negotiate things too.
Do you have other mutual friends, so you can ask them if she's seemed ok to them?
If she does seem ok to them, I'd arrange to meet up and ask her directly if she feels some of the same awkwardness you're feeling. That way, if she is just nervous of upsetting you or something like that, she'll be able to say so. Or if you get a blank look and a fob-off answer, well, at least you will know she can't be arsed.
She may be worried that you'll be bored talking to her, because her life may well revolve around her baby at the moment. New mothers do tend to gravitate towards other people who are equally fascinated with first teeth, sleeping habits etc, which I presume you are not. They also tend to have limited time for social interaction anyway.
But if you are patient for a while - could be weeks or months, or even years if she has another baby in quick succession - she will eventually feel like reconnecting with non-maternal friends.
One of my closest friends has no children, and although I certainly saw less of her when the DCs were little, we had enough in common to pick up the threads later.
I really hope she wasn't like this before now...she just doesn't sound like a very good friend, imo!!
I don't want to get flamed for this, but I know too many women who complain/rant/gush about how BUSY they are now that they have children...they can't possibly give time to a friend because they are so BUSY and they never thought child rearing would be so BUSY they moan and fuss all over Facebook statuses about how impossibly BUSY they are with children. It does my head in. Every one is busy...no matter what life brings. I am only slightly more busy now that I have my DCs than I was before I had them; it's called having a life!! I would talk to her and find out what's up. Just keep it light and casual and see how it goes. I agree that a one-sided conversation just isn't on...she can't monopolise all the conversation on her stuff and never give a toss about yours. That's not friendship.
Mmm - she sounds as if she is knackered, actually. Talking at you for 15 minutes is the sort of thing she might do if she's just too tired/out of it to pick up on your response or the fact she's just yammering on.
Obviously, it might also just be her being rude! But I'm trying to think of reasons why she might act like this, just in case you can mend the friendship. It obviously meant a lot to you, so I hope that's the sort of thing you wanted.
I would assume she is tired, a bit engrossed with baby stuff and actually it's phase she'll move out of if you're happy to give her 6 months say. Not everyone embraces toddler mornings etc. Like others I really value my child-free friends for grown up talk and our shared history. When DS was young, DH would babysit so I could have the odd evening with such friends to save my sanity !
Mmm. On the one hand I think 20 months is nothing, TBH - I wouldn't assume a friend who'd had a baby would suddenly return to carefree childless status after 20 months, or even after 18 years.
But TBH it sounds as if you were getting fed up with certain of her characteristics before she had the baby, and now they're the last straw.
I wonder actually if it is the opposite way around from what you suggest in your OP: not so much that she was extra friendly towards you because you were, initially, both in the same situation, but that you were extra nice to her? I wonder if you weren't making allowances for a person you didn't actually get on with terribly well, because you started out in the same situation. Now she's out of that situation, you're perhaps naturally less inclined to want to make allowances for characteristics of hers that are annoying.
If she was a 'real' friend to you despite being busy, tired and all the rest of it, she would not treat you like that. Tbh she sounds slightly ignorant.
My best friend also decided not to have children, and my son adores her and follows her around as if she's the Pied Piper.
I very much trust her judgement regarding children, and often ask her opinion on child related things. Sometimes I am quite conscious that I am going on a bit about my son, but I ALWAYS make sure we talk about lots of other things as well - I guess it's quite easy because we are such good friends and have known each other for many years.
If you're unreasonable, so am I. This has happened to DH and I so many times and it is just miserable. We're in a similar position, although the vast majority of our friends don't know about our MCs (in part because they always pick the day we lose one to tell us the happy news - bloody typical!).
If she doesn't value you, or if sticking around hoping for more is making you miserable or lose confidence, cut your losses. Someone out there will be your friend, with or without kids.
A friend at work had always said she did not want children because - they loved their way of life as it was and didn't want it disrupted with a child. They did not want to have one and then resent it , would be cruel.
I admired for for her honesty. But she was bombarded by relatives saying " Who's going to look after you when you are older?" That made her furious, and said that was awful having a child for that reason. More admiration from me.
In her thirties, she surprised me by saying they would not use contraception for a month just to see? Well, when she did have her period that month, she told me how terrified and sick she had felt all month, and was so relieved when she didn't get pregfnant, she knew she was right not to want one. And she stayed happily childless.
she probably doesn't want to hurt you by inevitably bragging about her amazing baby.
and, women are vulnerable after childbirth. they don't look their best. you probably look great - or they think you do. and their husbands, desperate for anxiety free sex, might look in your direction. or their wives might be afraid they would.
How long have you known her?
What was your friendship based on before the trying for kids phase?
Is it possible that she is thinking the same about you?
Having a child of 20 months is still hard work. None of my 3 ever slept through the night till they were closer to 3 than 2. If she's juggling work too, she will be busy. She's also, in the common window of time for thinking about another child.
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