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Holidays with grandparents.

(43 Posts)
DinosaursOnASpaceship Wed 31-Oct-12 09:04:31

Ds3 is 16 months old.

Exp was round yesterday and mentioned that his parents had been talking about taking ds3 away on holiday but didn't think I would let them.

Ds3 has never stayed away over night, he still sleeps in bed with me and is an awful sleeper. But, he will need to stay with his grandparents over night when I am in hospital having ds4, so I was thinking that even though I would hate it and miss him, that as soon as I'd got him to settle in a bed of his own then he should start having the occassional sleepover to get him used to it. He would probably really enjoy it.

So I said to exp that once he was used to staying over, then I was sure he would love a couple of nights away by the sea. I was thinking next summer, a long weekend in Wales/Devon/Uk when he was 2 and old enough to understand that he would be coming home. Plus, by then I would be grateful of the break as I would have a 6 month old baby too.

But, nope. They are thinking 10 nights in Spain or Greece. Which made me just give an immediate No. Exp says its nearer in travelling time that a lot of the UK only 2/3 hours by plane. Grandparents were thinking of sometime in the next few months, and offered to pay for exp to go too if that would make me feel more confortable. But it's still a No from me as abroad is just to far away, for to long.

I know I am precious with ds3, he's my baby and ad I've been on my own with him for half his life im very close to him. I'm the only person who has every put him to bed, got up in the night with him, etc. I'm sure ds3 would have a great time, it's more about me being uncomfortable with him being away.

There is no one I trust more to look after him that exes parents. They treat him like he is the most important person in the world, they adore him and him them. They are the only people who have ever looked after him for me, so it's not because they are my exes family that I'm not allowing him to go, they can't stand me but are civil and polite as the value their relationship with ds above everything else. I wouldn't let him go with my patents either.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but would you let your toddler go away on holiday?

wishiwasonholiday Wed 31-Oct-12 09:07:27

No chance I would let either of mine go and ds1 is 7 but our parents haven't seen them for over a year so maybe I'm not the best to answer!

Do they see him regularly? Think it would be best to build up slowly to a few days away.

PhyllisDoris Wed 31-Oct-12 09:11:09

I don't see why not. If he knows his GPs, and is fine with them. Enjoy the rest and let him have a nice hol.
You will miss him more than he will miss you!

MrsKeithRichards Wed 31-Oct-12 09:11:26

I would but ds is close to grandparents, has regular sleepovers and I trusts them.

If you don't want to then don't.

Doesn't exp have ds over night?

PinkFairyDust Wed 31-Oct-12 09:12:04

I would not be happy that my child is so far away, yes it is only two or three hours away on the plane, but what happens if there was an emergency - 1.5 hours away from airport, 1 hour to check in , 3 hour flight, 1 hour to get to where there are....and that's assuming its not in the middle of the night and you can get on first flight....first available flight may be 24 hours from when you need to go.

If he is 3 hours away by car then worst comes to worst you get a taxi there

WelshMaenad Wed 31-Oct-12 09:12:23

YANBU, too much too soon. Maybe if they tried a uk holiday this year you might think about a foreign holiday in the future?

By the way, YABVR to facilitate such a lovely relationship between your DC and ex inlaws even though there are 'issues' - that's really fab.

glasscompletelybroken Wed 31-Oct-12 09:13:03

I would but not for 10 days - it's too long. Can they compromise on the time? 5 days is fine for Greece or Spain as the travelling is not too long.

defineme Wed 31-Oct-12 09:15:02

Why doesn't exp have him overnight? If exp goes too then YABU.

Grandparents are totally different and I would have said a flat no to abroad. Of course you must start of with an overnight and build up gradually.

cipollina77 Wed 31-Oct-12 09:15:41

yes I do and I did, from when DD1 was 19 months. DS was 15 months the first time. They went to a distance of a 4h car drive. I didn't like it very much but had to as I was working and they were on summer holidays. They loved it, MIL too. I missed them incredibly but did appreciate the sudden free time in the evening it gave me. They were away for 14 days.

If you re-read your post you will notice that the only problem will be you, not your DS3 so maybe you should try to get over it. (easier said than done, I know). He will have a great time and it's good to know that he will be in good hands.

ps: I would start with sleepovers so he can get used to it.
ps2: I still BF my DS when he went away, he slept well at MIL's but returned to BF when he saw me back.

Mrsjay Wed 31-Oct-12 09:19:10

speak to his grandparents say you think he would 'love' to go away with him but you prefer that he gets used to going away over night first are you on good terms with them his dad would be going too so he would be fine mention to gp that maybe next year when he is a bit older,

cipollina77 Wed 31-Oct-12 09:19:19

re the emergency thing: do you trust your exPIL that they will be able to handle any emergencies? If so, then let him go. Should something happen you will be there within 24h at the most.

maybe you could suggest them to compromise and start with a UK holiday?

ZenNudist Wed 31-Oct-12 09:19:39

No way. Kind of them but more appropriate for when he is older, eg 10 or something!

I wouldn't want to be apart for that long let alone separated by such distance. Dh keeps asking if we can take a a break and leave ds (2) with his dp. I say I'd miss him too much & would spoil a holiday!

I'd also say that unless you want a break don't feel obliged to have him take weekends with them just to get him used to a one off stay when you're in hospital.

Just say no and explain to them what you said to us about trusting them etc. 10 days, wow how sad.

PhyllisDoris Wed 31-Oct-12 09:23:37

I'm all for leaving my kids with anyone who'll have them, for as long as they're prepared to put up with them! (Dreadful mother!)
If anything did happen (unlikely) you could be in Spain within 12 hours.
Maybe they would compromise on a week in UK for the first time though, if you're really nervous, with the promise of a week abroad next time if all goes well.
These ARE hid grandparents, who love DS as much as you do. Don't let him miss out on a great time, and the chance to bond with GPs because you will miss him while he's away.

MrsPresley Wed 31-Oct-12 09:23:54

Is it just DS3 they want to take, what about the older 2?

It seems a bit unfair to take just the one child or have the other 2 already had holidays with them?

girlywhirly Wed 31-Oct-12 09:29:03

I think it would be unreasonable not to build up to a long time away in stages, for both your sakes. It should be staying for one night, then two and so on, and not too far away to begin with.

You shouldn't be made to feel pushed into it.

DinosaursOnASpaceship Wed 31-Oct-12 09:34:00

Ds3 is very close to both his grandparents - he quite often plays with his toy phone demanding granda and grandma. If you ask him if he wants to go out he is running for the door happily calling granda. Infact I think it would be a close call if he had to choose his favourites between them and me wink and they are the same about him. They would move Heaven and Earth for him if they needed too. They see him 3-4 times a week, and would see him every day if they could. I've quite often been asked to take ds3 into exmils work to be admired and shown off to get work colleagues grin Im really lucky that he has such a good relationship with them.

Exp doesn't have ds over night, he will come and pick him up and take him to his mums for a few hours but couldn't cope with getting him to sleep etc - so he says. I'm sure exmil could though of needed.

A plane ride feels so far away, I know his grandparents are disappointed and I feel guilty for disappointing them but I really hate the idea. I'm not even happy with him staying away over night but I know that's my issue and I need to get a grip. I don't have a passport so couldn't even get there if there was a problem.

They want to take him away so badly that they have even said I can come if I want too - which means they really want to take him as I'm sure the thought of spending a week with me isn't exmils idea of a great holiday. Exfil, to be fair, still likes me and we get on great. Ex suggested to them that they rent somewhere in this country and that he drives down for a couple of days which I think they would take as a compromise but they wouldn't enjoy it so much, they never holiday here but go abroad a few times a year.

Ds is their only grandchild and when ds4 is born he will be the second and only. Their other son can't have children and ex is having a vasectomy so my children will be their only opportunity to spoil grandchildren.

PhyllisDoris Wed 31-Oct-12 09:40:30

One day he may HAVE to be away from you for several days because of an emergency. Isn't it better that you'd be comfortable that he'd be fine without you should there be an emergency? One less thing to worry about etc. We started leaving our DDs with GPs v early on, before they were old enough to know really. DS won't love you any less if you allow him to stay with other people.

ceeveebee Wed 31-Oct-12 09:43:24

No, I don't think I would want my DCs to be away for so long without me. A couple of nights in the UK would be fine at that age I think but I would really miss my DCs for 10 days!

lovebunny Wed 31-Oct-12 09:43:48

say no. firmly.

it is absolutely unreasonable to take a child away from his mother for the pleasure of grandparents or any other person/s. fathers included.

when the child is old enough to phone home, without assistance or relying on somoene else to provide the phone, if he wants to be collected, he is old enough to go out overnight.

trust your instinct. he's a baby. he stays with you.

DinosaursOnASpaceship Wed 31-Oct-12 09:43:50

Ds1&2 aren't their grandchildren. And they have been going on holiday with their dad and his family since they were 3&5 although only in the UK.

I don't know why im so protective of ds3. He is just so tiny blush I am more pfb with him than I was with my actual pfb.

I do trust both exmil and Exfil to cope in an emergency. In a lot of ways they are better with him than I an at times - they seem to have endless patience, are amazed and appreciative everytime ds does something sweet or funny, he wants for nothing.

I think it's guilt playing a part for exmil, she was distraught when she found out I was pregnant with him, to the point of needing counselling. She booked a holiday for his due date for the whole family (aunts and uncles too) so no one was around when he was born. She got very ill with depression and I took ds3 round every day to basically force her to love him. Which she did, an she credits him with her getting better. I think that might be why she has such a strong bond with him.

Mrsjay Wed 31-Oct-12 09:47:12

t is absolutely unreasonable to take a child away from his mother for the pleasure of grandparents or any other person/s. fathers included.

do you really think of it as taking away from mother rather than going away with people who love them and want to be with them , A child is not the exclusive property of a mother IMO

cansu Wed 31-Oct-12 09:48:42

I think it is too much too quickly. Suggest maybe that they have home for a weekend away somewhere in UK first and then when he is a bit older you can move onto longer holidays. I would explain that you trust them but that he is too young and is not yet used to staying away from home.

CwtchesAndCuddles Wed 31-Oct-12 09:51:22

It does seem too soon for just the grandparents but I think you are being unreasonable to say no even if your ex is going.

DinosaursOnASpaceship Wed 31-Oct-12 10:11:23

Ex made me laugh last night as he said he had assumed he was invited along only to realise that he could go if he wanted to but wasn't automatically invited - I think they were assuming he would want to spend time with his newborn.

I think I would be more comfortable if ex wasn't going - he's a big drinker and would soon get fed up with putting ds3 first and having early nights etc. He would also start the "my child my rules" speech that he likes to give his parents. When infact, his parents have the right idea and ex is usually way off. So he would undermine them (which of course he has every right to do as ds3s father) and there would be the usual mini power struggle between ex and his mother (living together, working together I think the lines get a bit blurred between parent/adult child/boss/employee) which is why I think grandparents are so desperate to take ds away, it would be nice for them to have some time without Exp monitoring their every move.

I think, maybe I am reluctant to let ds go away for even a night because it would highlight that he is all I have. My older boys are independent and don't want to be fussed over by me and I don't have friends or hobbies - I need to get some! I think I should probably suggest to exmil that she puts a travel cot up and has him over night one of the weekends just to get the first time over with.

cupcake78 Wed 31-Oct-12 10:13:09

10 nights in a foreign country away from mum at that age is not on! 2nights away in this country is long enough

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