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husband staying elsewhere with stepchildren

(233 Posts)
shawl20 Wed 31-Oct-12 08:13:52

Help, i need advice, my husband and i live together with my daughter who treats him like her real dad, he has 4 children with his previous partner, they are from 4-12 years old, his children have told him that they don't like me and will only continue contact away from the house, they said they will see him for the day only but he wants overnight sothen they have to sleep elsewhere, his solution is to do just this, is it right

WofflingOn Wed 31-Oct-12 08:17:16

He is doing his best to be a good father to his children, and they are uncomfortable with you so he is arranging to be with them for a short period of time on a regular basis under their conditions. Your wants should come second in this situation.
Why are you so upset? He is still your husband, still living at home and your DD still has a loving father-figure in her life. How does your ex see his daughter?

Tryharder Wed 31-Oct-12 08:18:18

It is odd and not right, definitely. BUT, hand on your heart, is there anything you have done to make them dislike you so much?

I think you all need to sit down and discuss this.

mutny Wed 31-Oct-12 08:20:05

Why don't they like you. Surely he must think they are justified if he is going along with it.
How old are they? How long have you been together/ married?

mutny Wed 31-Oct-12 08:20:33

sorry I have seen their ages.

bitsofmeworkjustfine Wed 31-Oct-12 08:20:48

i think that he has come up with a workable solution. You and your dd live with him and have unrestricted access to him.

they dont, and he is in a financial position to have his other children, have unrestricted access to him, albeit for shorter amount of time.

what a great bloke.

harassedandherbug Wed 31-Oct-12 08:21:11

As a fellow step mother, did you know there's a section for Step Parents? Might be worth popping over there? AIBU is harsh.....especially on step Parents.

TheHairyDieter Wed 31-Oct-12 08:21:36

If someone asked them "why don't you like your stepmother?", what would they say?

MrsMangoBiscuit Wed 31-Oct-12 08:21:40

What would you rather he did? Stopped seeing them? Turfed you out of the house when they came to stay?

It does sound a bit odd, but it also sounds like it's a very awkward situation, and your DH is trying to do what's best for everyone.

mutny Wed 31-Oct-12 08:22:25

AIBU is harsh.....especially on step Parents.

I would disagree with that statement. But the step parent section is good.

aldiwhore Wed 31-Oct-12 08:23:27

I can see why you're upset, its an unheaval for your family and no one likes not to be liked.... but I'm not sure there's another solution?

I'm afraid I would not really be letting 4-12 year olds dictate quite so much, but would be putting in effort to making life easier for them. So either you'd have to make yourself scarce from your own home (which would be unfair on you) or your DH will.

I actually find this situation really very sad and hope you can find a solution. Although they are his children and must take priority to you, to anyone else. I do hope the older ones aren't being allowed to play him. I hope you find a compromise soon.

My logistical worry is cost. Finding somewhere else even for two nights a week will be expensive.

MrsMangoBiscuit Wed 31-Oct-12 08:23:37

Just re-read my post, sounds a lot harsher than I intended. Sorry OP. I just wanted to consider the alternatives.

WofflingOn Wed 31-Oct-12 08:24:13

She doesn't have to have done anything active for her step children to dislike her, children can be stubborn, unfair and unreasonable. It's probably enough for them that she's not their mother and their father is choosing her instead.
Without any reason or understanding behind the dislike. Unhappy children are complicated in their responses.

Fakebook Wed 31-Oct-12 08:24:33

Well if they don't like you, then there is no reason they shouldn't meet their father away from you. I don't think it's strange. He has to meet them somehow.

harassedandherbug Wed 31-Oct-12 08:29:37

I don't like everyone I meet, they don't have to have done something wrong. So why should children? Never mind adding in the, at best, difficult situation.

WkdSM Wed 31-Oct-12 08:34:42

I think you need to set boundaries with the stepchildren. If you start to give in to this sort of emotional pressure it can cause all sorts of issues down the line - ie if your DH wants to have them for longer periods during school holidays what are you going to do? Just take a look at the step parents forum.

Being a good dad does not always mean doing exactly what your children want.

The youngest is too young to make that kind of decision or demand but the eldest is certainly old enough to sit down with as an extended family and discuss the situation. There may be underlying reasons why they do not want to stay and not liking you is being used as a good excuse.

Are they jealous that your child has 'their' dad full time and want his sole attention? You all need to work together to find a solution.

dysfunctionalme Wed 31-Oct-12 08:36:30

It does sound extreme and I can understand why you feel hurt and unhappy.

It is nice to read about a dad who goes all out to provide for his children so I admire that in him, but I can see the problem too.

Have the problems started recently or have the children always been wary of you?

Would he be open to family therapy for all of you?

HeinousHecate Wed 31-Oct-12 08:39:16

Where do they want him to sleep? Their house? Just wondering if this is less to do with you and more to do with them wanting mum and dad together?

If it's not that, then perhaps he should do it in the short term while he gets to the bottom of why they feel this way and starts to help things change?

WofflingOn Wed 31-Oct-12 08:39:55

Do you get on with their mother? If one of his children is only 4, how long ago was the break up and who initiated it?
I have a lot more respect for families where the needs and wishes of the pawns children have been considered alongside whatever the adults decide to do with their lives. They need to have a voice too. In fact, 4 voices.

MadamFollywillFreakyouout Wed 31-Oct-12 09:13:37

I would be happy for them to spend days alone together but if they want to stay overnight they should stay in your family home.

OpheliaPayneAgain Wed 31-Oct-12 09:17:42

Over nighting elsewhere? Exactly elsewhere? A hotel? That'll eat away at your family finances. With family? Who has the room (or inclination) to put up 5 extra people on a regular basis?

I assume this is a weekend thing? Your daughter is to have her family life affected by this?

INeedThatForkOff Wed 31-Oct-12 09:32:26

OP, this may well have less to do with their feelings towards you, and more to do with their - and perhaps their mother's - feelings about the situation. How long have you been together? Perhaps it will improve over time, though your DH will need to work to facilitate this. Simply being told they dislike you must be very hurtful if you genuinely can't think why.

However, I don't think your DH is BU to see his DCs however possible in the meantime.

charlearose Wed 31-Oct-12 09:46:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WofflingOn Wed 31-Oct-12 09:50:31

I suppose the point for me is that he's their father and that relationship should be maintained for the rest of their lives. It sounds as if he's trying his best to do that, and I still don't see why that appears to be pissing on your turf OP.
What does your daughter's father do to maintain contact with her? is he trying as hard?

WofflingOn Wed 31-Oct-12 09:51:30

Will you push him into choosing?
What do you think the outcome of that would be?

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