My DF (53) and his wife (46) are foster carers and almost 18 months ago they were placed with a 10 day old baby who was born to a heroin & methadone addict who had withdrawl problems. This was their 18th child and they have had another long term placement, a boy, for almost 5 years and he's almost a teenager.
I'll be the first to admit that me and my stepmother have never got on, for reasons that are too long to go in to on here but basically stem from her insecurity and need to ostracise my father from me and my brother so that he had no links to my DM, who left him. However, I am relatively happy as long as he is, which he seems to be.
I found out through a friend(!) that they were planning on adopting the baby and was furious that they had discussed it with somebody so random before letting me know what they had planned to do.
I have said from the start that I do not support this adoption for the following reasons:
- their age, especially my dad who will be 71 when the girl comes of age.
- their health, my dad is a heavy smoker, does not exercise and drinks too much. My stepmum is grossly obese, lazy and has a kidney disease which will mean she will eventually need dialysis and a transplant - this also effects her mum and her sister and is likely to effect her sooner because of the strain her weight is putting on her organ function.
- the fact that my dad has said this is more for her than it is him (she doesn't have any kids and he lives in fear of being on his own) and that me and my brother will always come first and be number one. I don't think this is the right attitude to have, personally.
- lastly, I regularly ask him to spend more time with me and my DC's and have done for the past few years but he is too busy playing golf/going out etc, how can he even begin to commit to a toddler when he struggles to see his existing children and GC's?
I have spoken to him a number of times about this and he came around last night, under the guise of seeing us, to speak to me about this as the SS have asked for my details to send us forms to fill in. I said that I was not prepared to lie to the SW that I was supportive of his decision nor would I negate to mention the EA his wife subjected us to in order to hurry things along. He wasn't happy and said he would be angry if I did anything to spoil it.
He says it doesn't affect me, I disagree. She would legally be my sister and the nearest relatives she has - I don't even know her full name, date of birth or the first thing about her, despite me asking regularly to get to know her, if this is what he wants to go ahead and do. I don't agree that an adoption is something you proceed with and pretend it doesn't affect anybody else?
AIBU, should I just keep my oar out and say it's all hunky dory when there are serious reservations on my part about whether this is the right thing for the child.
It's probably worth mentioning that this little girl is only 10 days younger than my own, so I can relate to the stresses and strains of bringing up young children and can't see how they can provide a stable upbringing as they get older and there are some serious health implications for my stepmother (who only JUST passed the medical).
Sorry this is so long, I didn't want to drip feed!