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To not support this adoption.

(64 Posts)
DragonMamma Tue 30-Oct-12 13:07:12

My DF (53) and his wife (46) are foster carers and almost 18 months ago they were placed with a 10 day old baby who was born to a heroin & methadone addict who had withdrawl problems. This was their 18th child and they have had another long term placement, a boy, for almost 5 years and he's almost a teenager.

I'll be the first to admit that me and my stepmother have never got on, for reasons that are too long to go in to on here but basically stem from her insecurity and need to ostracise my father from me and my brother so that he had no links to my DM, who left him. However, I am relatively happy as long as he is, which he seems to be.

I found out through a friend(!) that they were planning on adopting the baby and was furious that they had discussed it with somebody so random before letting me know what they had planned to do.

I have said from the start that I do not support this adoption for the following reasons:

- their age, especially my dad who will be 71 when the girl comes of age.
- their health, my dad is a heavy smoker, does not exercise and drinks too much. My stepmum is grossly obese, lazy and has a kidney disease which will mean she will eventually need dialysis and a transplant - this also effects her mum and her sister and is likely to effect her sooner because of the strain her weight is putting on her organ function.
- the fact that my dad has said this is more for her than it is him (she doesn't have any kids and he lives in fear of being on his own) and that me and my brother will always come first and be number one. I don't think this is the right attitude to have, personally.
- lastly, I regularly ask him to spend more time with me and my DC's and have done for the past few years but he is too busy playing golf/going out etc, how can he even begin to commit to a toddler when he struggles to see his existing children and GC's?

I have spoken to him a number of times about this and he came around last night, under the guise of seeing us, to speak to me about this as the SS have asked for my details to send us forms to fill in. I said that I was not prepared to lie to the SW that I was supportive of his decision nor would I negate to mention the EA his wife subjected us to in order to hurry things along. He wasn't happy and said he would be angry if I did anything to spoil it.

He says it doesn't affect me, I disagree. She would legally be my sister and the nearest relatives she has - I don't even know her full name, date of birth or the first thing about her, despite me asking regularly to get to know her, if this is what he wants to go ahead and do. I don't agree that an adoption is something you proceed with and pretend it doesn't affect anybody else?

AIBU, should I just keep my oar out and say it's all hunky dory when there are serious reservations on my part about whether this is the right thing for the child.

It's probably worth mentioning that this little girl is only 10 days younger than my own, so I can relate to the stresses and strains of bringing up young children and can't see how they can provide a stable upbringing as they get older and there are some serious health implications for my stepmother (who only JUST passed the medical).

Sorry this is so long, I didn't want to drip feed!

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Tue 30-Oct-12 13:13:36

Their age and health, drinking, generally unfit (from a health and exercise perspective) and emotional abuse is what I would focus on, not whether your father has willingness/inclination to spend time with his adult children and grandchildren.

I am sure there are plenty of more suitable parents to adopt this little one.

Wowserz129 Tue 30-Oct-12 13:14:07

This is hard because by 'ruining' the adoption you are potentially stopping a child having a stable family.

Do you think you DF and his wife would be good parents?

I do not think you should lie to SW. However I think you need to respect tat you dad is more than old enough to make his own decisions. I don't think reasons such as he doesn't have enough time to spend with me, siblings etc.. Don't come into it.

Wowserz129 Tue 30-Oct-12 13:16:46

Also agree that if they are drinkers, ill health etc then surely SW won't approve it anyway?

zeeboo Tue 30-Oct-12 13:16:51

You sound jealous and selfish. My dh is 55 and we have a 2 year old, he isn't too old to be a father so why is your df?
The best interests of the child would be to stay with those who've cared for it from ten days old and if they've managed that with a drug addicted newborn then they are clearly up to the job.
This is besides the fact that its not your business.

justmyview Tue 30-Oct-12 13:17:11

I think you need to be upfront with SW about your thoughts and they will proceed as they think best

The child's interests should be the main consideration

JustFabulous Tue 30-Oct-12 13:17:33

YANBU to not support this.

The baby has to come first even though this does involved your father. If it isn't the best thing for the child then it mustn't go ahead. With their health issues I am surprised they are even approved foster parents tbh.

JustFabulous Tue 30-Oct-12 13:18:33

BTW it isn't true to say you don't know the DOB, is it as you know she is 1 days younger than your daughter and how do you even not know her name?

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda Tue 30-Oct-12 13:19:26

They've managed to cope with 18 foster children and this particular one already for 18 months ok. I think you are being unreasonable and need to keep your beak out.

JustFabulous Tue 30-Oct-12 13:19:29

10, not 1.

HoratiaWinWOOHOOHOOHOOd Tue 30-Oct-12 13:20:08

So you'd rather this little girl was torn from the only family she has ever known?

I suspect the back story here is significant because on the face of it your OP smacks of jealousy and spite, not genuine concerns. If the authorities think they are young and fit enough, why assume you know better?

alphabite Tue 30-Oct-12 13:20:45

The social workers and a panel will decide whether they are suitable or not. It's not up to you to judge them and deem them unfit.

Narked Tue 30-Oct-12 13:21:34

Be honest with SS.

An 18 month old who has been looked after since she was 10 days old should have a good chance of finding a healthy, loving family.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 30-Oct-12 13:21:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yokel Tue 30-Oct-12 13:22:56

'She would be legally my sister'.

[cough] inheritance [cough]

honeytea Tue 30-Oct-12 13:23:01

If she passed the medical it isn't for you to judge her health.

Your df and his dw must have put in a huge amount of time and energy into this baby, a heroid adicted baby is very very very hard work. I would say that things will only get easier in comparison to how it must have been for them whilst the baby was coming off drugs. If they can cope with that I would guess they can cope with nearly anything.

They are obviously already commited to this child as she lives with them, I think it is wrong to say that because your dad is not great at seeing his grown up kids he will not be a good father to this little child.

I think you should be honest but I don't think you have the right to judge their ability to be good adoptive parents, that is ss's job they just need information from you.

thornrose Tue 30-Oct-12 13:23:22

After going through the adoption process myself the SW will leave no stone unturned! All the issues you have mentioned (except the point about not spending enough time with your dc) will be considered by the SW.
They will have medicals, assessments etc.
You can be as honest as you want to be with the SW, they will consider your statement along with all the other information and make a decision.
Ultimately your views will be not be enough to stop the adoption going ahead. It depends on who else they have in their support network and their views also.

Narked Tue 30-Oct-12 13:23:54

'So you'd rather this little girl was torn from the only family she has ever known?'

That's what often happens when babies are fostered. Better now when she will have people lining up to take her.

reddaisy Tue 30-Oct-12 13:23:57

You do sound a bit meanspirited in your post. Don't lie to the SW but your DF can make his own decisions. The SW will surely look at all the facts and your opinion will just be one element. Lead your life and let them lead theirs.

Ephiny Tue 30-Oct-12 13:24:29

You certainly shouldn't lie to the SW, no one can reasonably expect you to do that.

However I find your reaction a bit odd, e.g. being upset that it was discussed with someone else before you, and having such strong feelings about it generally. You sound very angry with your father.

However whether it's the right thing for the child etc is not your decision to make. I think you should stay out of that side of it - just answer questions in as honest and unbiased a manner as you can. I'm sure the social workers are aware of potential issues around health, age etc, and will take these into account when making their decision. It may well be that they decide it isn't a good idea anyway.

blibbleflop Tue 30-Oct-12 13:24:43

One thing that seems to stand out here is that Social Services seem to have been content enough to send 18 children to them for fostering. If they've been considered suitable to foster especially vulnerable children I don't see what makes them unsuitable as adoptive parents.

dequoisagitil Tue 30-Oct-12 13:25:03

You sound like you have an axe to grind rather than genuine reasons to think they wouldn't make good parents to the child.

If they've been coping well with the baby this far, then it's cruel of you to use this adoption as a way of revenging yourself over your own issues with them.

Ithinkitsjustme Tue 30-Oct-12 13:26:54

I'd be honest on the forms, but not spiteful. SS will need to be convinced that this is in the best interests of the child and there are several things against that being the case here. I wouldn't dwell on any mistreatment of yourself but just state the facts as they relate to the questions asked.

Narked Tue 30-Oct-12 13:27:53

Blibbleflop, taking in a baby on a fostering basis is very different from adopting a baby.

Northernlurkerisbehindyouboo Tue 30-Oct-12 13:30:05

I think you sound very unpleasant to be honest.

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