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to give this person a wider berth?

(16 Posts)
rachel700 Mon 29-Oct-12 16:26:25

I have this friend, I'll call her Fiona.

I know FIona through our children being at school together. Met her in the playground really. Our kids don't really play together but after much badgering I accepted invitation to go out for coffee one Saturday about 2 years ago and 'friends' since.

Fiona and her husband area always moving house, I've noticed. They are in rented because they moved to Australia and it didn't work out (they lasted 3 weeks). Every few months they sell all of their furniture and move in with Fiona's parents. They then spend their salaries on a big family holiday (just went to Florida this summer) before it all goes pear shaped and Fiona can't stand living at home anymore and they move out.

Every time they do this, they have to buy everything new all over again. This is obviously expensive so they usually beg/borrow. I have recently given them some things we had in the garage (a wardrobe and two beds) as they are moving into rented again. I've just found out she has actually given these items to her sister.

Fiona is quite unpredictable. About 6 weeks ago she turned up unannounced at 9pm when I was soaking in the bath. DH came to get me. It took me about 10 mins to sort myself and come downstairs as I'd been washing my hair. Fiona was sitting in the living room, having 'popped by' for nothing in particular. She doesn't always reply to text messages. She says she will phone and doesn't, saying it had 'got late' to call.

We invited Fiona and her DH to a bbq over the summer. It was an evening BBQ but they came at 4pm because they were 'in the area'. We have an 18 month old who needed sorting out so this was really inconvenient. They seemed to have no idea how inconvenient this was (their kids are 8/12)

I'm having a bit of a 'last straw' moment. I was supposed to go out with Fiona on Friday night. She had suggested meeting up as we hadn't seen each other since June really. She suggested going to her local swimming pool for a swim and coffee, which I agreed to. When I told DH this, he was a bit put out because he had arranged for us to go out and asked a babysitter. It was supposed to be a surprise. I'd already made this arrangement with Fiona and thought it was bad form to cancel so DH cancelled our evening out.

During the week I was unwell. I was better by Thursday but didn't feel much like swimming so I texted Fiona explaining I'd still like to see her but I'd been unwell so was asking if we could do something other than swimming. I made two other suggestions (pub/restaurant). She replied to the text with 'can I let you know tomorrow what I'm doing?'

On Friday she didn't contact me so the evening came and went.

On Saturday she texted me, apologising for not getting back to me on Friday. She said she'd been out to see another friend and it had 'got late.'

I feel really let down and think her behaviour is thoughtless.

WWYD?

Yokel Mon 29-Oct-12 16:28:50

What do you get out of this 'friendship' OP? Does 'Fiona' bring anything at all to the party?

DawnOfTheDee Mon 29-Oct-12 16:28:57

Drift, drift, drift away.....

SugariceAndScary Mon 29-Oct-12 16:31:39

Well I'd tell her to sod off seeing as she appears to be selfish, self centred and a
mahoosive pain in the arse.

Ignore her texts and don't answer the door if you're not expecting anyone.

LookBehindYou Mon 29-Oct-12 16:35:50

Yup, or rather no, not unreasonable. Had a friend like this. Last straw was when she invited me out to celebrate my birthday but discovered when I arrived that she'd met new friends and wanted me to fund the drinks!

rachel700 Mon 29-Oct-12 16:36:23

You know, I don't know what I do get out of it anymore.

When I first knew her, I thought she was a really nice person but increasingly I feel used.

It's awkward because (a) there's the connection at school and (b) we have friends in common who I met through her. I can't really just tell her to sod off can I?

LookBehindYou Mon 29-Oct-12 16:41:54

Well you can treat her as entertainment (which is what I do with my rubbish friend). I have zero expectancy and definitely wouldn't cancel or rearrange anything for her but enjoy seeing her from time to time.

xMumof3x Mon 29-Oct-12 16:42:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rachel700 Mon 29-Oct-12 16:48:20

I think I'm possibly being too nice. DH actually let her in at 9pm as I was in the bath but I would have done the same.

She came for dinner one evening with said group of friends and spent the whole time ignoring me and texting somebody she was at university with (I mean, all night attached to her phone, dipping into conversation occasionally and obviously in a terrible mood). I couldn't believe how rude she was but actually couldn't believe her two friends didn't pick up on how she had behaved.

When I gave her the wardrobe/beds she had arranged to collect them at 3pm and hadn't turned up by 3.40pm. When I texted her she texted back to say she was in Exeter (which is 30 miles away). MY DD was really gutted as she was looking forward to her bringing her kids round for an hour and had literally been sitting on the window ledge watching for her car since 3pm.

I want to scream 'what is Fiona LIKE?' to them but I don't think they see it. Or perhaps she's never let them down?

LookBehindYou Mon 29-Oct-12 16:49:24

Yes definitely agree about not letting her in at 9pm unless YOU feel like a chat. A friendly, 'oh so sorry just in the middle of things. It's not a good time' is perfectly acceptable.

SugariceAndScary Mon 29-Oct-12 16:51:37

Well if you don't want to sever the friendship , be cool towards her, don't return texts and still don't let her in if she turns up unannounced at your house.

maybenow Mon 29-Oct-12 16:54:31

You don't need to dump her as a friend if you readjust your expectations and boundaries.
I have a friend who will not feel obliged to do anything, if she's made arrangements and no longer fancies it or is too tired then she will cancel.

I now make sure to only invite her here (not meet in town) and I cook a casual supper and only expect about a 50/50 chance of her turning up. It's fine now that i'm relaxed about it.

rachel700 Mon 29-Oct-12 17:00:16

see when I read your post, Maybenow, I wonder why you would cook supper for her!

I'll cook for this friend because she's part of a wider group.

Perhaps thats exactly the answer, not to see her on my own.

She was upset last week about something and told me I'm one of only 3 friends she has in the world.

bran Mon 29-Oct-12 17:03:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rachel700 Mon 29-Oct-12 17:04:49

good advice that, Bran, thanks

maybenow Mon 29-Oct-12 17:14:16

I cook for her because i'm cooking for me and DH anyway and it doesn't take much to make another portion - that's what i mean by a "casual supper", nothing special or expensive... if she cancels i eat the leftovers for lunch the next day, if she does come along then i enjoy her company. But i would NEVER cancel anything for her or re-arrange existing arrangements.

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