Talk

Advanced search

to think that it should be up to me who fucking well knows about my bloody miscarriage!!!

(156 Posts)
chubbymummy Sun 28-Oct-12 20:41:14

I am shaking with anger here.
I've recently had yet another miscarriage. It's taken a very long time to achieve this pregnancy and I had fertility treatment to help. This was our last chance to have a baby and I'm finding it very difficult to come to terms with the fact that it now isn't going to happen.
When I found out that I was pregnant I decided that I wanted to keep it quiet until we knew if the pregnancy would progress. DH wanted to tell his parents but I refused, as in previous pregnancies his mother told everybody (and I mean everybody!) our news even though we asked her not to. It then made a difficult situation a lot harder when we had to tell people things had gone wrong. DH was upset that I didn't want his Mum to know and it caused tension between us.
Anyway, when we knew that this pregnancy had failed (missed miscarriage) and I needed to go to hospital for Medical Management this week DH phoned his Mum and told her what had happened. We agreed that we would tell our parents but I said that I didn't want Grandparents etc to know. This was made clear to Mil!
Fast forward to today and we get a phone call from DH's Grandad's Widow (not his Grandma - and a women that his Mother can't even stand) to offer us her condolences. Mil has been having a fine old time ringing everybody in her phone book from what I can gather. Bil and his girlfriend were skyped in Australia and DH's Auntie and cousin have both had phone calls too. I can only assume that his other Aunts and uncles have had phone calls as well and I would imagine that all the neighbours have been given chapter and verse about my fertility problems!
I am livid but so far have resisted the urge to phone mil and ask her what the hell she is playing at. I'm finding it hard to come to terms with it myself and I really don't want to be having to talk to other people about it when I didn't invite them in to this very personal and private experience.
DH doesn't seem to think it matters if everybody knows now that it's all over (it's not all over for me, I'm still fucking grieving!) and he thinks that I am being unreasonable by refusing to go and spend next weekend with mil. I've told him that I am way too upset and angry to be civil to her at the moment and she needs to give me some space (not to mention an apology).
So Mumsnet jury .... Am I being unreasonable?

Serendipity30 Sun 28-Oct-12 20:43:31

No you are not being Unreasonable, really sorry for your loss OP thanks

cocolepew Sun 28-Oct-12 20:44:06

No your not, sorry for your loss.

MrsWolowitz Sun 28-Oct-12 20:44:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shutupanddrive Sun 28-Oct-12 20:45:03

YANBU at all! So sorry for your loss sad

ArthurandGeorge Sun 28-Oct-12 20:45:59

Not unreasonable at all. I am very sorry that this is making such a difficult experience even harder.

AThingInYourLife Sun 28-Oct-12 20:45:59

I would never be in the same room with that woman again.

So sorry OP sad

HazleNutt Sun 28-Oct-12 20:46:17

of course you are not U. You specifically asked her NOT to tell anybody. I'd be certainly calling to ask which part of no she didn't get.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 28-Oct-12 20:46:19

YANBU. Sorry for your loss.

spilttheteaagain Sun 28-Oct-12 20:46:21

YANBU in the slightest. I am so sorry, MCs are utter shit. Take care of yourself and don't be pushed by DP.

yellowowl Sun 28-Oct-12 20:46:21

No you are completely justified in your feelings. Sorry about your mmc sad

LittleBairn Sun 28-Oct-12 20:47:01

YANBU I'm so sorry for your loss.sad
Your DH sounds like an inconsiderate arsehole if he can't even emphasis with your feelings.

GruesomewhereInCanada Sun 28-Oct-12 20:48:13

So sorry OP and no, YADNBU.

Sparklingbroomstick Sun 28-Oct-12 20:48:20

I am so sorry for your loss. I would be so upset. You had expressly told her not to and she went and did that. Also i am really disappointed/angry in your DH's attitude to it.

You are right to not spend next weekend with your MIL too. How your DH can't see that is very upsetting. <hugs>

Viperidae Sun 28-Oct-12 20:48:48

You are not unreasonable at all and, as your DH knows how you felt about MIL telling everybody last time, it is up to him to tell her that she was asked not to tell people and she has let you both down.

abigboydidit Sun 28-Oct-12 20:49:15

YANBU & I completely empathise. DH told his parents after our MC and made it clear we were only telling them as I was going into hospital and they tend to drop in whenever the fuck they like pop past the house when they're in the area. Within hours I had a text from my SiL...

lovebunny Sun 28-Oct-12 20:49:40

i am very sorry for your loss and the situation you are having to cope with.

you are not unreasonable - no-one should have to know.
do take the space you need, don't feel pressured into going to your mother in law's.

you might find later that you can live with her indiscreet and unkind behaviour but there is no need to pretend that it doesn't matter.

wishing you comfort, if at all possible.

BabylonPI Sun 28-Oct-12 20:49:52

So sorry for your loss op sad

YANBU at all - I too would be livid and I don't think I could be as restrained as you have been. I would have been on the phone to her and given her what for sad

Everlong Sun 28-Oct-12 20:50:11

Oh how insensitive of them. I'm sorry.

Just look after yourself and try as hard as you can not to let this eat away at you.

((hugs))

lakeofshiningwaters Sun 28-Oct-12 20:51:20

YANBU at all. So sorry for your loss.

Don't go and see MIL. Try not think about her. When you're ready, you can think about how you want to go forward with your relationship with her, but for now you've got more important things to cope with.

I hope you can concentrate on yourself and your DH's loss and get the time and help you need to grieve. I hope your DH will support you, what a sad time for you both.

AWomanCalledHorse Sun 28-Oct-12 20:51:26

Yanbu.

I am very sorry to hear of your miscarriage thanks

I would be extremely pissed off if my MIL mentioned my mc to anyone, it is DH & yours news to share with who you like when you like (we've told best mates, parents & siblings..and MN), if anyone shares my mc news without asking me if it's ok first (mil asked if it was ok to tell DH's bro) then they'd be out of my life.

I can understand DH being worried & wanting to tell someone, but take out the fact that she's his mum, given her past form for blabbermouthing...why tell her??
I'm sorry you're having to deal with her atm, sounds like she just likes having a bit of juicy gossip to let everyone know.

HappyJustToBe Sun 28-Oct-12 20:51:26

YANBU. Sorry, OP thanks

Devora Sun 28-Oct-12 20:52:07

Oh no, I am so so sorry you are going through this.

My heart absolutely goes out to you.

WelshMaenad Sun 28-Oct-12 20:52:22

God, I am so sorry for your loss. You must be heartbroken, you poor thing. [flowers]

YANBU and you know it. We had a similar occurrence after my second miscarriage, we had told MIL and FIL of my pregnancy against my wishes, but DH wanted them to know. He then had to ring to tell them it was over, again. We were very clear that nobody else was to be told. Several weeks later, on the day I'd had to go for my second scan to make sure everything had 'passed' we got a frantic phonecall from younger BIL who had visited his parents and been told by MIL, full of the drama of it all, that "Poor MrWelsh and Welsh have had AWFUL news!" then refused to tell him what it was! Of course the poor lad was worried and rang us, so we had to tell all. I was fucking furious with her, and sent her a scathing email to that effect. I later found out that she then bollocked BIL for 'upsetting' me. Fucksake. It was horrible thinking that she was letting people know my personal business, I personally felt like a bit of a failure due to repeated miscarriage and felt, irrationally, that people were judging me. Of course they weren't, but you're not level headed when you're grieving are you.

I'm sorry she's done this. x

FatimaLovesBread Sun 28-Oct-12 20:52:35

YANBU! So sorry for your loss

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now