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ANOTHER weekend of bickering, rows and tears

(56 Posts)
lucyellenmum Sun 28-Oct-12 19:06:00

Every weekend is the same, DP and i argue terribly, I end up in tears, DD ends up in tears. DP says he will leave, he doesn't, because i tell him i will change. He says i am making him into a Jekyll and Hyde and making him say horrible things to me. He has said some vile things to me this weekend and says that i am making him "lose it" and if i carry on he is worried about what he might do sad I hate seeing him like this but i try to explain to him that everyone argues but it is not normal to talk about splitting up every time we do it. We have been through so much and i thought we were coming through it. I don't want to split up, i really can't imagine my life without him but this cannot go on, its affecting our DD and i lived in a war zone i don't want this for DD. DD does play up when things are tense and of course this causes further tension between me and DP. It is such a vicious circle, tomorrow, everything will be fine and he will be telling me how i am his soul mate and he could never leave me. People have advised me to talk about it when things are calm but he says "why do you keep bringing it up, its done now" etc, but i can't talk to him when all hell is breaking lose and im trying to calm things down for DDs sake.

How can i make this right? I dont want to lose him, i have thought that we might be happier apart but aside from anything else we just can't afford to do so. I don't work, DP is self employed and barely earns enough to cover things (i am looking for work, have interview on tuesday, i wont hold my breath, i have a LOT of interviews!). The trouble is i just cannot hold my tongue when im pissed off, this morning it all kicked off because we were late for DDs activity, i was "nagging" him to hurry up - he was cleaning his teeth five minutes after we should have left, it could have waited FFS, so queue me being called all the names under the sun, in front of DD AND on the street blush DD joins in too, it breaks my heart.

OHforDUCKScake Sun 28-Oct-12 19:10:17

He calls you names, DD joins in and you tell him you will change?

Portofino Sun 28-Oct-12 19:13:34

What exactly happens? It is very hard to tell from this post.

LineRunner Sun 28-Oct-12 19:15:38

I would tell your DD that she must not join in with the name-calling, under any circumstances, as it is unacceptable.

The show her that it is unacceptable by not allowing your DP to do it you, either. Walk away, ignore him, turn your back. Take your DD to the activity and leave him behind if he can't be bothered to be ready.

And please think about what you are actually getting out of this relationship. Stress, by the sounds of it. It doesn't sound much like love and respect.

So sorry. Hope you are ok. smile

Whoknowswhocares Sun 28-Oct-12 19:15:46

Oh for goodness sake! He is a manipulative bully who threatens you with physical harm if you don't change?
You know exactly what everyone will tell you........LEAVE

ImperialBlether Sun 28-Oct-12 19:17:49

Have you got another thread going about this man, OP?

lucyellenmum Sun 28-Oct-12 19:18:38

It is usually me that instigates the rows, usually through "nagging" him . Alot of friction occurs because of DDs behaviour as she tends to shout at me a lot. She is only seven and this really upsets me.

I really want us to be happy, i do have to change but its not just me, its him too. He says he has had enough, not of me, but of the arguments and that his is why he is like he is. There is always two sides. He isn't a bad person and today he said how that this "isn't him" that I am making him like this, but what he means is the situation is. He wants to get back to normal, but he thinks that we can just DO that, stop arguing etc. It just makes me so tired.

gimmecakeandcandy Sun 28-Oct-12 19:18:47

Why do you think this I'd your fault? You need to give us clear examples.

MrsPnut Sun 28-Oct-12 19:18:56

He sounds awful, it is not down to you how he chooses to behave. Him shouting, name calling and making threats is his choice not your fault.

I'd leave him before your daughter is damaged further by the situation, call women's aid for help and support as well.

Strawhatpirate Sun 28-Oct-12 19:19:33

The fact that he says "YOU are making him lose it" and "YOU are turning me into" are red flags for me.

lucyellenmum Sun 28-Oct-12 19:20:22

Im not going to leave, i just want us to be happy again. Please don't think i am weak, i am not taking the easy way out, i want to see if we can make things good again.

Bonsoir Sun 28-Oct-12 19:21:21

It sounds as if neither of you are bringing out the best in the other, or in yourself. Do you make an effort to "please" one another at all?

Itsjustafleshwound Sun 28-Oct-12 19:22:24

I am sorry, but it really sounds as if you know the answer but wish you didn't ....

You aren't going to stop nagging, he is always going to rise to it and your dd has learnt some manipulative behaviour ...

MagicHouse Sun 28-Oct-12 19:23:30

You are NOT making him like this. He's an adult. Nobody makes someone else use vile names and threaten to harm people. I used to get told I was "nagging" too - my ex was a hoarder - we had bits of crap all over the house and garden. (And I mean everywhere - every surface, dangerous stuff sometimes, like tools/ nails). If I moaned about it or tried to move it, I was "nagging". You are NOT "nagging" to ask someone to speed up if you are late.
I think you need support to see this situation clearly. Do you have friends or family you and your DD could stay with for a few days. It's not good that your DD is learning that calling you vile names is acceptable. It's not.

lucyellenmum Sun 28-Oct-12 19:29:25

gimmecake - i DO nag and go on at him, i can be like a broken record. I don't have a job and haven't worked since DD was born. I do try and get work but i could probably try harder if im honest.

The name calling is very recent and it could be a deal breaker. He has promised not to do this again, time will tell i guess. I can't change him, i can only change me - it would be unfair of me to say im not half to blame here. We BOTH need to make changes. What is the alternative? My DD seeing her dad who she ADORES only at weekends? I don't work, i have NO money and nowhere to go. It woudl cripple him financially too.

waterlego Sun 28-Oct-12 19:30:47

He sounds horrible. YOU are to blame for all of it, YOU are 'making' him behave in certain ways. Huge red flags for me here, too.

You say you need to change- can you tell us more about that? What do you think you should be doing differently?

Do you also get to tell him what changes he needs to make or is it all completely one-sided?

It sounds like a miserable existence sad

Whoknowswhocares Sun 28-Oct-12 19:34:50

There is a great difference between acknowledging you can't change him and allowing him to treat you like crap though isn't there?
Ditto your DD. why is she allowed to get away with shouting at you. It sounds like you need some help in asserting yourself tbh

waterlego Sun 28-Oct-12 19:38:14

Crossed posts. I often nag too. Sometimes too much. My OH doesn't make threats though. He either ignores it or we have a proper, non-shouty conversation about it. He might agree that I had reason to 'nag' or I might accept that I have been OTT. It's 50/50 and the way it should be, IMO.

Strawhatpirate Sun 28-Oct-12 19:45:38

You aren't to blame OP it is his choice to call you names and loose his temper. He has to take responsibilty for his own behavior. I think things can only improve if he acknowledges he needs to change. Do you think he would agree to talk to someone either together or seperately?

maddening Sun 28-Oct-12 19:48:23

What do you "nag" (horrible word) him about?

Could you try couple's therapy?

lucyellenmum Sun 28-Oct-12 19:50:51

But thats just it, he ISN'T horrible, or he wasn't sad If i had only been with him for a few years id happily leave, but 20 years is all my adult life and he really is my soul mate. I know i describe someone who is horrible but he is nice sometimes. He has just cooked me a lovely dinner and cleared the hall for me while i was at my cleaning job.

I am having CBT for anxiety but its not working, in fact its making me worse.

I am not a shrinking violet, victim of a woman believe me - i fight my corner and give as good as i get. I don't just take it. To be fair, i am probably pretty aggressive myself. My therapist says i have anger issues to address. Its not just DP.

I am not my DP, i am me, i want to make things work - things have been better and essentially things ARE better. its just that weekends seem to be difficult. I get very stressed out by DD and don't have much patience and this makes DP angry. I can see that i am very short with DD too, i need to change this.

lucyellenmum Sun 28-Oct-12 19:52:11

I have begged him to see a therapist with me, he says he doesn't feel well but absolutely will not go to the doctors and flatly refuses to have couples counselling.

Strawhatpirate Sun 28-Oct-12 19:58:36

If he won't go for counselling do you think he'd be willing to read some books about anger management and learn some techniques at home?

Whoknowswhocares Sun 28-Oct-12 19:58:45

'I don't have a job and haven't worked since dd was born'

'He cooked.....while I was at my cleaning job'

I'm struggling to see the wood for the trees now!

Shutupanddrive Sun 28-Oct-12 19:59:33

You do not make him say horrible things, what comes out of his mouth is his responsibility and no one else's angry

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