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to wonder what your expectations are

(18 Posts)
orangeflute Sun 28-Oct-12 16:47:03

When you have a partner/husband/oh? In regards to support both financially and emotionally. And what happens when your expectations aren't met?

MikeLitorisBites Sun 28-Oct-12 16:53:03

I dont expect to be supported financially in anyway. I expect us to come to a mutal understandimg on how our finances will work.

Emotionally is a hard one to answer, for me I have needed different support in different situations.

Do hasnt always handled things how i would have hoped, but i think that is just human nature. Im sure he would say the same about me.

ErrorError Sun 28-Oct-12 16:57:12

I received no emotional support from my ex-dp, and he also wanted me to get a better job so I could afford to contribute to his idea of a better lifestyle, when the catch-22 was there were no better jobs for me. He was not understanding and didn't support my ambitions to move away. Our relationship failed drastically! So in response to your question, my expectations are that a relationship should be a partnership too, and not a business arrangement. If one earns more than the other, the lower earner should do what is within their capabilities to contribute, but the higher earner should not treat their partner as a burden. I'd also want my dreams and ambitions to be supported, and I'll support theirs. If you don't have this basic feeling that someone else's happiness is equal to, or more important than your own, then I'm afraid it's doomed! I'm not the bad news bear, just speaking from still bitter personal experience!

mutny Sun 28-Oct-12 17:17:38

I don't expect any financial support from DH. We run a business together so that is our finances. All there.
emotional support depends on the situation. Sometimes i need sympathy sometimes a kick up the arse. Dh and I have been together long to understand what each other needs when.
But we have been together 12 years. in the 12 years finding the 'right' way has been hard. Sometimes i don't react how dh needs me to and vice versa. But we always know the other has the best of intentions.

CailinDana Sun 28-Oct-12 17:27:09

I expect respect. At all times. That is the one thing I will never compromise on. If you have respect, most other things follow naturally. Once respect is lost, there's a huge problem and if there was a constant lack of respect that wasn't resolving I would leave.

catgirl1976 Sun 28-Oct-12 17:45:30

I don't expect financial support. I do expect emotional support.

If I didn't get it, it would depend on why. Say for example he was depressed or going through a hard time and was unable to give it for a period, then that would be something to work through and where he needed more emotional support than me.

If he couldn't give it long term for some reason, that would need a lot of working through and maybe couldn't be overcome.

If he didn't want to give it, that would mean it was over.

maddening Sun 28-Oct-12 18:18:53

I expect to work as a team

skaen Sun 28-Oct-12 18:24:28

Financially - I expect us to consider commitments jointly and know what our position is. We have a joint a/c for bills etc but otherwise finances are separate. I do not expect DH to bail me out if I overspend on my account.

Emotionally I expect him to listen, offer constructive advice where appropriate or a hug. If he is down or ill ( pretty regularsad) I look after him, and get on with things.

halloweeneyqueeney Sun 28-Oct-12 18:24:49

we support each other.. in both those ways, sometimes I have more earning potential and sometimes he has more earning potential, sometimes he needs the emotional support and sometimes he does

if we're not getting what we need we reassuess and re-arrange our lifestyle

Loveweekends10 Sun 28-Oct-12 18:34:09

We both work full time. He earns more than me but it all gets paid into the same account. He wants to earn more so I can go prt time. There has been years when I earned more or supported him through uni. It's a partnership.
Emotionally I'm quite a cold fish sometimes but he is the opposite. It works for us.

Laquitar Sun 28-Oct-12 18:36:33

I lived in relatioship with no emotional support and never again. (Are you in that situation OP?sad

Financial support- no, i don't mind who works more depends on logistics like higher wages, childcare, health issues, retraining. I wouldn't mind to support dh in those situations. BUT i can't stand lazy men so i wouldn't be happy if i worked and dh slept all day or played computer games.

Yama Sun 28-Oct-12 18:43:42

Like another poster I have been in a relationship with neither support provided. Luckily he ended it.

I work hard to be financially able to support myself and dc should I ever need to alone.

With regards to emotional support - now that I have had it (with dh) I wouldn't stay with someone who couldn't provide it.

I have always been pretty independent. I would rather be on my own that with someone who couldn't support me.

orangeflute Sun 28-Oct-12 19:25:56

Me and OH have been together 5 years. Until recently all our finances were separate but now are combined as his contributions to the family pot were very unfair. He is quite happy with this arrangement. What has become more apparent over time is that he doesn't seem to be there for me when I need him. I am not a needy person and see myself as quite independent but it would be nice to have someone to lean on occasionally iyswim. He seems to cherry pick the parts of the relationship which suit him. His main focus in life seems to be work and although I understand that this is important he seems to use this as an excuse for everything. For example I had a MMC and was alone going in for the procedure. I came home very late after midnight and was told someone needed to be with me for 24 hours. At 6.30 he went off to work and despite very heavy bleeding I was up with the kids on the school run. This is one of a list of issues. Its come to a point where things just go on without him being consulted. People say communicate, but all I get from him is - I dont know what to say, I'm not good at talking. I do thing relationships need to be worked at but for how long? When do you finally say, no more?

midseasonsale Sun 28-Oct-12 19:33:23

We see ourselves as a team, we support each other emotionally and financially. At the moment I'm mostly a SAHM and he is the main earner (although I work one day a week). In the past I have been the main bread winner.

I agree that respect is very important.

marriedinwhite Sun 28-Oct-12 20:13:40

OP some of what you have said resonates. When I met DH I earnt more; within a very short time he had overtaken me. He is driven and was always driven and has on occasion been too focused to engage emotionally. DS2 was born at 27 weeks and DH got there just after the birth because he was in court (his clerk was waiting outside with the message but he could not have left before the day ended - fortunately he arrived when DS2 was still alive). I remember feeling very upset about that but it was actually a fact of our existence and it could not have been changed.

We have been married for more than 20 years and there have been ups and downs and I have had to cope on occasion for long periods without much emotional support and almost sometimes as a single parent without the money problems. I went back to work when both children were settled at school and that gave me a valuable part of life and a significant purpose in my own right.

However, ultimately, we are a team - we have stuck it out and love each other very much. DH could not have been happy living differently; I am fairly indomitable and independent. Together our family unit is secure and successful and I can honestly say I love DH more now than I did 20 years ago. He loves me more too. We talked about it only this morning.

catgirl1976 Sun 28-Oct-12 20:17:36

Is your DH a QC married?

CailinDana Sun 28-Oct-12 20:18:15

The MMC this is really awful orangeflute. It's very sad that you had to face that alone, it must have been so hard. Did he say why he didn't stay at home with you?

spidermanspiderman Sun 28-Oct-12 20:31:48

I'm a SAHM and have been for past 5 years and will probably be one for the next five years, however I supported dh through uni and also paid for us to backpack round world together before dcs.

Emotionally, find dh can only be there for me when I have a problem, for so long and then he seems to reach a point of shut down. It's the same when I'm ill - only get sympathy for first day or so and then he gets bored /fed up.

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