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Went out for a meal with DP's friends and now he wants to move out.

(53 Posts)
Screamfromtherooftops Sun 28-Oct-12 14:57:32

Have just got back from a meal with my DP and his friends, I have only met 2 of his friends once since me and DP have been together and there was 4 others with us.

I am undergoing talking therapy for anxiety issues, I get very scared when I go out on my own let alone for a meal.

I get very nervous when plans change too and DP's friends changed the time and place 3 times this morning as we were getting ready.

We brought our 13 month old son and he was quite restless though out the meal so I spent a lot of the time talking to/entertaining him.

I didn't ignore anyone but none of his friends spoke a word to me and when I tried to make a conversation with DP he was ignore/cut me off. They were having plenty of conversations with DP and the other people at the table and I was trying to be as involved as I could just listening, Smiling and nodding along with them.

It was very awkward for me and a big step in helping my anxiety.

Now we are back DP said that I ruined the meal and made it awkward and that he is thinking about packing his bags and leaving.

Please tell me if I ABU because I am really upset at the moment and need honesty.

HeinousHecate Sun 28-Oct-12 15:00:47

I think that he's using it as an excuse.

Nobody leaves someone over a meal in a bloody restaurant. Unless you grabbed the waiter and shagged him over the dessert trolley, your partner is full of crap.

If he wants to leave - it's for a different reason, I promise you. He's just choosing to tell you this is why, presumably to make you think it's all your fault.

The other possibility is that he has no intention of leaving and he has some other reason for threatening you with it and using this meal out as a stick to beat you with.

I think you should tell him that he must do as he sees fit.

Whatever he is actually up to will become clear.

suburbophobe Sun 28-Oct-12 15:02:00

He sounds very shallow if he wants to pack his bags over one meal out.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

GhostShip Sun 28-Oct-12 15:02:31

There must be more to it, he can't just want to leave because of this, has anything else happened lately?

Sorry about your anxiety issues, and I hope you can overcome them. I got to the point where I hated having plans and would LOVE it when people cancelled, because they'd make me that nervous. It can ruin your life.

mamamibbo Sun 28-Oct-12 15:03:17

sorry, sounds like an excuse to me sad

NatashaBee Sun 28-Oct-12 15:04:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 28-Oct-12 15:05:20

He is either very shallow or making a pretty pathetic excuse to break upsad

AgentProvocateur Sun 28-Oct-12 15:05:40

From what you've said, I don't think you were unreasonable. But my guess is that your DH's version of events would be completely different. Not saying his would be right, but that he must have felt your behaviour to be very stressful if it's enough to make him think of leaving. How did you react when plans were changed three times, for example? Is he usually supportive of your anxiety? Do you feel you are getting better?

I lived with a girl who had chronic anxiety at university, and it was awful for her, but it was also terribly hard for the people who lived with her. You and your DH both have my sympathies.

Shakirasma Sun 28-Oct-12 15:05:43

I agree with Hecate, he is using the meal as en excuse as it doesn't make sense.

Either that or his interpretation of the meal is very very different to yours! Has he said exactly what you have supposedly done to make it awkward?

Bigwheel Sun 28-Oct-12 15:05:45

You might be better off putting this in relationships.

Screamfromtherooftops Sun 28-Oct-12 15:07:10

It is not the first time that he has t

HeinousHecate Sun 28-Oct-12 15:08:28

grin that's a bit insulting to those of us who've tried to help.

you're getting crap responses, stick it somewhere better.

I may huff and fuff. wink

seriously though, Scream, what you describe isn't 'leaveable', it really isn't. so whatever it is - it's not that.

Astelia Sun 28-Oct-12 15:10:38

Did any of the others have a child with them? It sounds very hard work you having to entertain a 13 month old during a meal out.

If DP wanted you to join in the conversation he could have looked after DS while you chatted. Or he could have organised a babysitter if he wanted you to give his friends more attention.

To be blaming you when there was very little you could do about the situation is immature and thoughtless.

To be leaving you over a meal out is unbelievably petty- and shows he is just looking for an excuse.

maybenow Sun 28-Oct-12 15:10:55

It sounds like he's finding your anxiety very difficult to deal with. Leaving you isn't the answer but living with somebody with anxiety can be hard as it's not logical, does he really understand it? have you involved him in your therapy? does he have anybody he can talk to about anxiety, what it means for sufferers and its treatments?

How is he normally with your anxiety? I would find it quite a responsibility if I knew my partner was always uncomfortable in social situations (though I wouldn't leave him!!!).

Screamfromtherooftops Sun 28-Oct-12 15:11:47

*told me that he will be moving out. He said it was because I made everyone feel awkward and ruined the meal but what I have wrote down here is the truth about what happened, I didn't notice anything wrong at the meal, They were all laughing and joking together.

He does say it when things like this happen but it only worsens my anxiety about going out sad

I said that he could go on his own but he insisted that I come with him.

I'm so confused sad I just don't know what to do anymore, It is not just with his friends that I am quiet it is with my family and friends and also his family, I have very bad anxiety issues but I am getting help for that.

I just don't want him to keep saying it because he really upsets me and he knows that I couldn't live without him.

TidyDancer Sun 28-Oct-12 15:12:04

I'm with the majority. Either he is looking for an excuse to leave or there is much more to this.

The only other point to consider, and if this is true he is a massive tit, is that possibly the way you were in the restaurant embarrassed him and he is just acting out now. It's not acceptable, as presumably he knows the extent of your anxiety, but could that be at all possible?

missmehalia Sun 28-Oct-12 15:12:50

How is it that the entire responsibility for your DC was yours throughout the meal? Is DP doing his share? However, I know that in the past when I've lacked social confidence I've liked having my kids there as a focus, a kind of social insurance to give me a role, etc. Would it be easier for you if things were more on your terms? (e.g. you're the one who nominates the venue, dp does his share of the 'looking after baby' stuff so you can chat if you want to, etc.) Sounds like you did your level best, it can be horrible to feel very much on the edge of things. Not long after we had DC2, we went to visit some friends who offered for DH to go on a lads weekend with other blokes 'because you must need the break'. (I was at home with both DCs full time then.) I nearly hit the person who said that, I just felt invisible. I just say this to try to say you're not alone, it's very hard when you've got a little one to engage with other people who are more than 3' tall. And that's without the anxiety problems! Sounds like he was feeling a bit in a corner to have burst out with this. It's not fair if he has set you up for some kind of test.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 28-Oct-12 15:15:37

There's no way this can be down to ops anxiety because surely if it were down to that he wouldn't have coaxed her into going for the meal in the first place.

It sounds as though he has orchastrated the whole meal senario tbhsad

Screamfromtherooftops Sun 28-Oct-12 15:16:48

Agent I got nervous and started crying and when it was changed for the 3rd time I asked him text his friends and ask them if a restaurant in the area that they chose to change it too was okay and they said it was fine.

HeinousHecate Sun 28-Oct-12 15:16:57

you know, if I was out for a meal with my husband and his friends and none of them said a word to me, and when I tried to talk, they cut me off, and they all talked to him but blanked me - my husband would be furious

with them.

Think about it.

His friends all ignored you. Made no attempt to include you. Just left you sitting there like a spare part.

a good and decent husband would have noticed that and made an effort to include you and actually made a point of saying something to his friends.

Not allowed you to be ignored all night and then come home and threatened to leave you!

Yama Sun 28-Oct-12 15:20:47

I would only give someone the chance to say they were leaving me once.

It is unacceptable that he threaten to leave you in a bid to scare you or change you.

I don't like this man.

Screamfromtherooftops Sun 28-Oct-12 15:22:40

I was responsible for DS, I just let DP talk to him friends as they were talking about things I couldn't have joined in with.

When we talked about my DS I tried to say as much as possible but the conversation quickly changed to when they were next going out on the town.

I do understand that it is hard for DP because of my anxiety, I just want to me in the house with me and my DS, so that's why I said why don't you go and I stay but he insisted.

He doesn't understand how I feel and believes that I just make awkward situations because I don't want to be there, as I said I was quiet and looking after DS but nodded and smiled when they were laughing.

WorraLiberty Sun 28-Oct-12 15:27:22

Of course you can live without him OP. Right now you might feel as though you don't want to, but that's different to saying you can't.

He is being totally unreasonable and I agree with those who say he's using this as an excuse.

Why did the responsibility of looking after your child fall down to you anyway?

Surely if he took his turn at looking after your 13 month old, you might have felt comfortable enough to get a bit further involved?

"he knows that I couldn't live without him."

He is using this knowledge to treat you horribly, does it give him pleasure to make you suffer?

He doesn't sound very nice.

And, yes, you COULD live without him. Of course you could.

It sounds as though he is aggravating your anxiety problems, not helping.

Sorry OP, your H sounds quite cruel. He should be more concerned about you than he is about his friends.

FML Sun 28-Oct-12 15:29:05

HeinousHecate

^you know, if I was out for a meal with my husband and his friends and none of them said a word to me, and when I tried to talk, they cut me off, and they all talked to him but blanked me - my husband would be furious

with them.

Think about it.

His friends all ignored you. Made no attempt to include you. Just left you sitting there like a spare part.

a good and decent husband would have noticed that and made an effort to include you and actually made a point of saying something to his friends.

Not allowed you to be ignored all night and then come home and threatened to leave you!^

I agree with every word of that ^^

He sounds like a knobber, tbh. IMO, I think your anxiety problems would improve with him out the picture.

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