MIL deliberately ignoring my wishes..AIBU or is she?!(384 Posts)
Quite prepared to accept it's me who's being unreasonable...
BUT I literally had the biggest stress out yesterday!
Baby due literally ANY minute, am being induced this week. It's her second grandchild.
We found out we were having a girl at the 20 week scan (with hindsight, won't find out again, but there you go!) ...and told parents and inlaws. Her first reaction was...Ooooh great I love all the little pink clothes and outfits you can get.
Now....daft I know..but I BLOODY HATE PALE PINK BABY CLOTHES!!! You know...the whole rows of the stuff in Asda, Next, M+S. it's that insipid pink. Ewww. Anyway, I laughed and told her, Oh god please NO PINK..Honestly, I don't like it and I won't be dressing my daughter in it. Please save your money!! She was categorically told for want of a better way of putting it!
My mum has bought us 5 beautiful outfits for our daughter - each time she phoned before she purchased, described how it looked and asked would I be ok with her buying it.. Totally over the top as it's my mum and I know she has brilliant taste! But I appreciated her respect, and she said she knew from personal experience how annoying it is to receive loads of stuff you don't like because then you feel pressurized into using it because you feel guilty.
MIL turned up yesterday with a bin liner. A bin liner FULL of a mix of second hand clothes, car boot purchases, ebay purchases and some reduced sale stock from Asda and Next. ALL BLOODY PINK. THE WHOLE BLOODY LOT. A ridiculous amount of clothes that I have no idea where to put. She actually said, 'I know you said no pink, but come on, it's a girl, I want her to wear pink'
I was blazing! I feel as though she is deliberately ignoring my wishes, spending money needlessly (which then makes me feel guilty) and forcing HER wishes/beliefs onto me.
I know if I get rid of them to the charity shop/ebay she will open the wardrobe and demand to know where they are. The stuff with tags I took the whole lot back last night and swopped for 9-12months plain babygros etc that will be used and we will be very grateful for.
So...AIBU or is she? And even if it's ME being U, how the hell do I get her to stop buying loads of crap that I don't want?!
Yabu to be "blazing"...it's not the end of the world. Remove a couple of the better things and hand the rest back...tell her "Please give these to someone who will use them...I've taken the ones I like out and I know I won't use these."
OR.....just stuff them in a cpboard and tell her "Oh she''s too big for most of them....or too small....whatever suits according to the size of your baby.
yanbu to not want a unasked for mahoosive pile of clothes gifted to you, even with the best of intentions. yabu to completely forbid your MIL from buying any pink clothing. I was a complete snob about second hand clothes at the baby stage- but honestly as you get further down the parenting line, you are likely to be a lot more relaxed about it, particularly if they are hand me downs from friends/family.
A baby girl wont implode if she wears the odd pink item. I'm not a fan either...but if someone gives my DDs something then I tend to use it because I haven't lots of money and colours don't really matter. Babies look nice in anything.
Why on earth will she be looking in the wardrobe? Sounds like a general issue with boundaries!
I'd get DH to tell her that you've exchanged what you can, and given the rest away/sold it. He can remind her that she might want your DD to wear pink, but you two are the parents now and you will not be dressing DD in pink.
However, I do hope that any pink outfits your DM turns up with will be treated in exactly the same way.
I'm not particularly a fan of pink for girls either tbh, but does it really matter if MIL wants to spoil her little GD? All you need to do is put her in the outfits when she sees your MIL and not bother the rest of the time.
She's not deliberately ignoring your wishes, she's just overexcited. It happens.
Save your blazing for incidents that really matter. Not clothes.
Think I'm blazing because I'm full of pregnancy hormones!!! PLease bear in mind I'm being induced this week! This was just the final straw in a long line of things she's done recently!
And honestly, I'm not a snob at ALL about second hand clothes. The only things I've been able to buy for my own baby is second hand. (just obviously not pink ha!)
yanbu you already made your wishes clear. Hand them back and tell her you meant it. If she does it again chuck them in bin in front of her. I have same problem with total disrespect of my wishes. Ive done it.
Fliss my own mum hates pink too! Probably where I get it from ;)
The issue isn't so much the pink (although that wouldn't be my choice of colour for DD) but the fact you've already made your wishes clear.
Is it your first? I don't think you are being unreasonable as she hasn't respected your wishes which is just rude.
However, I think you'll struggle to completely dress your child without pink, and using neutral colours is an option, it gets very annoying when people are asking you 'is it a boy or girl?' People still do this to me and my DD is 2.
I would say chose your battles carefully. you can put you DD in pink occasionally, it wont harm her or you. Save the standing your ground for things more important. You run the risk of opposing her at every turn at this rate.
I was very determined about the no pink thing then I hit 2 problems
1) it's really hard to find stuff that isn't pink
2) if you go out wearing any other colour but pink, people assume baby is a boy -even wearing lilac!!!
when you are on your 3rd rubbish nappy, poo up the back, incident of the day -you may well be grateful for anything that is clean!
YABU.... I effectively don't have any grandparents in my kids' lives at all and don't understand how people get so wound up over stuff like this. Obviously if there are other
more serious issues, it's different.
waiting Yes it's my first, and it's been a long haul battle to get here. Still feeling VERY wary, as I truly won't believe she's here until she is and safe. (I also think this is contributing to how I feel as I didn't want the house full of baby stuff until the baby is here)
Lunar Fair point.
oh well, we can't all have brilliant taste like your mother can we.
Hi, my MIL has been behaving like this, and like you, before I've even had the baby! She has been trying to insist on buying us a particular type of buggy even though I made it clear that our main criteria are i) it must be light as we have many steps up to our house and ii) I do not want an expensive brand name travel system as friends have told me to save money for more important things, and also that they all ended up using a cheaper lightweight buggy because of the weight and complexity of the travel systems. I would also prefer the ILs not to spend a lot of money because of the guilt if we don't use it or it's not suitable. They live hundreds of miles away so will rarely use it themselves.
My mother behaves like yours - asks first what I/we'd like and then respects that.
My colleague (a psychology teacher) suggested that maybe MILs behave like this as they feel like they don't have much control over the process and this is something they can control?
As regards the pale pink clothes, I imagine the baby will grow out of them pretty quickly but I would note it would be an ideal colour to dye...
I don't like pale pink either and can't understand why as a society we are made so anxious by not immediately being able to identify the gender of a little kid.
The bigger the fuss you make now, the bigger the reminder she will have when she see's your daughter. If you just accept politely and dispose of the clothes quietly I imagine nothing will come of it at all.
Absolutely shocked at the suggestion that you should chuck stuff in the bin in front of your mil, how bloody rude. And then you wonder why you have problems with your in laws??
And yes, I do get where you're coming from, I was adamant that ds was going to be dressed in white and blue things till he was crawling about, and my mil gave him a coloured shirt and red jeans to wear. They were hideous, but I put him in them when he saw her and then left them in the wardrobe never to see the light of day again.
I dressed DD in pink, pink pram and covers and pink car toy attached and 90% of the time people would say HE looks so cute of whats HIS name. I used to correct them only for them to ignore me and talk about HIM. Pink wont matter you will still get asked boy or girl ...if your lucky.
ladymariner the clothes were taken from a bin so putting them back really wasnt such an issue.
How horrible to suggest you chuck them in the bin in front of her.
In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter what colour of clothes your baby wears? She's a baby, she won't care. If you don't like them, just thank your mil and put the clothes to one side.
She is being UB! Have you partner drop off the bag of clothes at a charity shop. She will have to learn to respect your wishes.
I hope the induction goes well!
You need to sit down with her and explain that it is unsuitable for different reasons.
You appreciate the gesture, but the sheer volume of stuff makes you feel uncomfortable in accepting any of it and you would prefer fewer items, and definitely less pink as you feel that it would make your baby look exactly the same as all the other newborn girls. All wearing exactly the same shade of pink.
Her granddaughter is unique and you would prefer some things a little bit different to express that. Not necessarily more expensive, just individual.
Apply to her vanity. She is going to be a proud Grandma. She will love your child very much. You do need to set some boundaries now as otherwise your life and home will be full of useless stuff you neither need, want nor can house.
Tell her what you have done with the tagged stuff- explain that it is far better for the baby to have bigger stuff ready for when she inevitable outgrows the bits she has for when she is small. You want her to wear the clothes and not have to sell it/give it away because it hasn't been on her back.
What does your DP think?
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