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To refuse to help SIL

(58 Posts)
balotelli Sat 27-Oct-12 06:46:18

Dw's sister is having affair with a married man 20 yrs her senior.

He has decided to leave his wife of 21 yrs next week and move into rented house with SIL and her 9 yr old DD.

SIL lives with MIL in MIL's house and wants help to move her furniture into the rented house.

I do not agree with what they have done and have refused to help hem move on moral grounds.

My EXDW had affair with a friend of mine and destroyed our relationship with devastated me so I have some idea how his DW must be feeling and so cant do anything that could be seen as condoning the situation.

DW is torn as she feels horrified at her sisters actions but its her sister.

I think her DSis is heading for some sort of breakdown as she is failing at her work training, completely ignored DW's birthday this week and totally forgot she had agreed to babysit for us this weekend.

WinkyWinkola Sat 27-Oct-12 07:02:36


I just wouldn't get involved at all but not get drawn into a conversation or row about it.

Just because you're related you HAVE to help? Erm, no.

catgirl1976 Sat 27-Oct-12 07:14:35


It's her business but you don't have to get involved and nor should you if you feel this way.

However, if you feel she is having a breakdown she needs some support but you / your DW can give her that without helping her move her furtniture

Tbh though the behaviour you describe sounds like someone deep in the early stages of a teenage relationship rather than a breakdown.

CailinDana Sat 27-Oct-12 07:18:29

YANBU, you have no obligation to help and I think your feelings are understandable.

diddl Sat 27-Oct-12 07:34:53

I wouldn´t help either.

And what´s your BIL supposed to do for furniture??

Or does she get it because she´s also taking their childhmm

If your wife wants to help-her call.

mutny Sat 27-Oct-12 07:53:48

I don't think there is a bio, is there?

mutny Sat 27-Oct-12 07:54:26

bil not bio

mutny Sat 27-Oct-12 07:55:07

And yanbu.

I would not be helping her tbh.

NellyJob Sat 27-Oct-12 07:56:42

tell her to use a removal firm like everyone else, you are not a removal man are you?

NellyJob Sat 27-Oct-12 07:57:17

or her wonderful new man could help her?

musicalendorphins Sat 27-Oct-12 08:15:04

Yanbu. I agree on telling her to hire someone like everyone else does.

LindyHemming Sat 27-Oct-12 08:19:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeinousHecate Sat 27-Oct-12 08:23:02

I wouldn't help either.

Let him do it, as others have said.

ChaoticismyLife Sat 27-Oct-12 08:46:43


MyDonkeysAZombie Sat 27-Oct-12 08:49:41

I don't think YABU let her figure out how to shlep furniture but be prepared to help if your SIL is genuinely having a breakdown and your niece is affected.

Saying that, not to be cynical and it is obviously a huge concern when genuine, but often when a person is doing something monumentally selfish and behaving out of character, they themselves or those closest to them excuse it by saying they must be "having a breakdown".

TheLateMrPamuk Sat 27-Oct-12 08:51:08

Yanbu, I would tell the wife too. Couldn't bear to think that I knew someone was about to have such devastation landed upon them. Why should they get to arrange it all neatly and on their terms?

balotelli Sat 27-Oct-12 08:53:03

Cat, she is 31!!!

Her new man is too overweight and unfit to lift more than a few small boxes or bags.

Dw is upset about her birthday being ignored as well as losing the relationship with her DSis who thinks she has done nothing wrong as......" the marriage was dead, they slept in seprate rooms" Etc, etc. Classic script from him, but they went on holiday together despite being in a 'dead' relationship and went out to parties together........ hmm

HeinousHecate Sat 27-Oct-12 09:03:34

Has he actually told his wife?

Has he left her already or is he still there, telling your sil to move into this rented flat and he'll move with her?

If so - What if, on moving day, he doesn't?

I honestly would have nothing to do with the moving. Pitching in to help with the moving is condoning what they're doing, which I for one could just not do.

However, I wouldn't cut links with her, because when he does the same to her, she'll need some support, even though it'll be her own fault, she'll still be a wreck.

mutny Sat 27-Oct-12 09:03:53

Well be prepared.
At some point the OW role will be filled again, leaving your sil alone and your dw picking up the pieces. Unless you make a break now. That's IF he does actually leave. Would not surprise me if he nevers does.
I don't think she is having a breakdown. I think she is so wrapped up in him she doesn't care. Your dw needs to think about that

YerMaw1989 Sat 27-Oct-12 09:13:53

I dont think shes having a breakdown just sounds like someone who is so involved in their relationship they don't care about anything else. another poster said teenager, sounds about right.

halcyondays Sat 27-Oct-12 09:15:15


SomersetONeil Sat 27-Oct-12 09:18:39


SIL is deluded.

RubyCreakingGates Sat 27-Oct-12 09:19:37


WaitingForMe Sat 27-Oct-12 09:25:12

I think it depends on how much you value your relationship with your niece. My inlaws were very unsupportive of DH leaving his ex and realised just in time that he was their link to DSSs. They sorted themselves out and were there for him and the boys.

Because it's not just your SIL moving, it's your DN. Does she need love and support in leaving her grans home? Will she need support if this man messes SIL about?

INeedThatForkOff Sat 27-Oct-12 09:57:13

My inlaws were very unsupportive of DH leaving his ex and realised just in time that he was their link to DSSs. They sorted themselves out and were there for him and the boys.

Waiting, so are you saying that your ILs had to support your DH in leaving his exW for you, or he was going to cut ties between them and their DGs? How lovely hmm

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