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In contemplating ringing the Social Services?

(56 Posts)
Scribbleonmypage Sat 27-Oct-12 00:58:55

I have nothing to do with SS at the moment but my 40 year old ex husband is having a relationship with a 23yr old girl. Due to the size of his bank balance it has been going on for a year. My kids - girl 10 boy 16 have regular contact - 5 nights out of 14 with him and from what I can make out she is always there. This is since he moved into a new house a few weeks ago. I have agreed the contact through solicitors - it is not a court order. I cannot afford to go back to solicitors to re arrange this.
Could the SS do anything to help. I have no idea?
It makes me feel sick. My daughter is at a very impressionable age and I and concerned that it is sending all the wrong messages to her. Saying it all OK for this relationship with the huge age gap (18yrs)He has his own place and I know not what goes on. I don't really know what to do.
Do I just have to live with it? Anyone else been here??
Am I being unreasonable, I just don't know..

MrsRhettButler Sat 27-Oct-12 01:05:30

I'm sorry but they are both adults and if the age gap is the only thing you are worried about then SS will laugh at you.

Is there anything else that worries you?

Softlysoftly Sat 27-Oct-12 01:05:36

YABU it may not be nice for you, it may even be because she's after his cash but it may be she genuinely likes him.

Regardless unless she's an abusive psycho I doubt SS would give a toss. Fwiw there is no issue with that age gap if both partners are happy and over the age of consent.

showtunesgirl Sat 27-Oct-12 01:11:43

Sorry OP but if the only objection is the age gap then YABU. Why are relationships with big age gaps not ok? confused

ripsishere Sat 27-Oct-12 01:14:14

Seriously? I think they'd laugh at you.
40 year old man and 15 year old girl you'd have reasonable grounds, not at the ages they are though.

SoleSource Sat 27-Oct-12 01:14:18

Yabu she is a grown woman. You are jealous.

crazynanna Sat 27-Oct-12 01:16:12 a bit slow,I know.

But I don't geddit.

You want to call SS because your adult ex dh is seeing another adult?


LilQueenie Sat 27-Oct-12 01:20:20

yabu get over the age gap

izzywizzyisbizzy Sat 27-Oct-12 01:20:34


AgentZigzag Sat 27-Oct-12 01:22:30

I think you're grasping at straws too, the relationship is OK with the age gap.

It's not as though they're really small children and you have other concerns, it's only about how old the ex and his DP are.

Not very nice for you to see regardless, how long have you been split from him?

Why don't you have anything to do with him? I presume he's a grade A twat, but why no contact at all?

squoosh Sat 27-Oct-12 01:35:49

Get a grip.

Scribbleonmypage Sat 27-Oct-12 01:36:42

Thanks everyone. Won't do that then!

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Oct-12 01:52:02

I don't think it'd reflect well on you tbh.

What do your DC think of her/them?

Scribbleonmypage Sat 27-Oct-12 02:01:49

They don't say anything. All very secretive. I think they are OK with it.

Goldenjubilee10 Sat 27-Oct-12 02:06:48

16.5 years between myself and my husband. We have been together 20 years and have 3 children. Perhaps his ex should have contacted ss. I have always had very good relationships with my stepchildren - or is that what you are worried about?

maras2 Sat 27-Oct-12 02:13:15

What's the size of his bank balance got to do with it?

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Oct-12 02:18:39

Are they secretive because they might sense you don't want to hear about it and are trying to spare your feelings?

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops Sat 27-Oct-12 02:31:10


GhostofMammaTJ Sat 27-Oct-12 05:04:25

He has his own place and I know not what goes on

Do you think they are having sex on the dining table in front of your DC then?

All very secretive

I for one do not want to hear what happens in my exes house. Why would you?

Fairylea Sat 27-Oct-12 05:58:51

I am so confused by this... ss is for abused kids or children at risk from domestic violence or that sort of thing. Not because an ex is living with a much younger partner who isn't even a teenager..... !

LadyKinbote Sat 27-Oct-12 06:02:23

It must be so hard for you but I'm afraid the others are right - not much you can do.

fuckwittery Sat 27-Oct-12 06:03:43

SS no.
You should probably meet her if they are living together and your kids are spending that much time with her. With a view to having a working relationship i.e. that she is a presence in a place your kids live 5/14 and it would be really helpful for your children for you and her be able to communicate, or at least for you not to hate each other.
Don't meet if you think you may not be able to resist interrogating her as to why the hell she is with a 40 yr old, what they get up to etc etc. It is quite a big age gap but in no way inappropriate, she isn't just above the age of consent, she is a grown woman.

It would have been nice if your husband let you know he was living with someone else (sounds like you found out from your kids) and discussed the seriousness of the relationship with you, and I hope he's waited until it's serious before introducing the children. But it's done now and you have to live with it, try not to let jealously eat you up.

Fairylea Sat 27-Oct-12 06:13:52

I think it's time you let go ... you both have a right to contact with the children but beyond that what you do with your lives is nothing to do with each other (unless it's something obviously wrong like drug taking or putting the children at risk in other ways - and this relationship is not).

He doesn't have any obligation whatsoever to tell you what he does or who he lives with etc. The same goes for you too. When I divorced I went out with a 22 year old for 6 months. It wouldn't have even occurred to me to tell my ex dh and why should i have?

When I met my now dh (who is also much younger than me) I introduced him to dd and he moved in in time and I never mentioned it to ex once. It really isn't any of his business.

mutny Sat 27-Oct-12 08:34:51

I am really confused why you would think SS would care? I don't get where as even might be bothered.

Are you worried for the girl or you kids?

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 27-Oct-12 09:14:36

I do understand that this is really hard for you. I have had to accept that whilst the fact that ExH threw DD into his relationship with OW 3 days after he moved out and the morals surrounding this relationship are very questionable. DD is not "at risk" it is not what I would have done and the messages she is getting about adult relationships maybe quite strange.
However, he is now Ex and I can not control his behaviour. What I do think is that one day (probably as a teenager) she will wake up and decide that what he had done is wrong. He will have to deal with this fall out and backlash then.
I never comment on his behaviour or situation and live my life by my own codes and morals.

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