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AIBU?

To wish that someone would ask if I'm ok?

32 replies

WelshMaenad · 26/10/2012 20:34

I am sitting at home, alone, crying like a twerp.

I have recently been prescribed anti depressants, I've been depressed for a long tone and hidden it. When I started feeling suicidal i plucked up the courage to talk to my Gp, and she was terrific.

I told my mum and my husband that I had been given the Prozac. They both kind of went "oh". Mum talked to me about it a bit. DH has made precisely no reference to it. Hasn't asked why I felt I needed them or how us been feeling of how I was feeling now, nothing. I hurt my back last week and he's just seemed annoyed that I can't do everything around the house that he expects.

I have had a really stressful day, running myself ragged getting cakes for the family birthday party we were meant to be at tonight, getting DD's wrap and tights for wedding tomorrow where she is bridesmaid. I got home stressed and tense, house was a tip, DH got in a strop about tidying the boot of my car, which had the spare tyre loose after last weeks flat, so I went and did it myself, and hurt my back again. Burst into tears and just got attitude from DH, do I said I wasn't going to come up the party (had no time to get ready by now) and that I was upset because I felt I spent my life running round after everyone else and nobody was bothered about me, cited his complete jack if interest in supporting me after a disgnosis of depression.

He just packed the kids in the car and went, didn't seem bothered that I was crying my eyes out. Mu mum sent be a text so I text her back telling her what had happened, she just replied "oh well, sometimes done space is a good thing".

I don't know how to ask for help, I'm useless at it. Good at supporting everyone else in a crisis. I just want someone up ask me if I'm ok, like they care. Is that unreasonable? I feel like I've lost all perspective. I'm having a tough time settling on this medication. I'm not ok. I feel sad and out of control and a bit hopeless. I want the people in my life to see this. Maybe I'm asking too much?

OP posts:

Report

Rollersara · 26/10/2012 20:38

:(

Don't know what to say, except I hope the ADs work and this is just a blip.

nothingbyhalves · 26/10/2012 20:39

don't know what to say, but i hope your situation improves soon! it does sound to me like those around you are not being as supportive as they could be. Sometimes you need to give people a chance to identify what jackass' they are being. YANBU xxx

LighteningMaQueen · 26/10/2012 20:42

YANBU, I hope you feel better soon.

Kleptronic · 26/10/2012 20:45

Hugs for you, missus. You are doing really well. No, really! You have identified that you are not settling well on the medication, you're not ok, and you feel unsupported. You've posted it on here, which is brave! Very brave to put in in AIBU. You are not being unreasonable at all, but somewhere else may be the best place for you to get the supportive comments you deserve.

I don't know how long you've been on Prozac, but that may have some bearing on how you feel if it's within the last 6 - 8 weeks. If it's over that time, it may not be right for you and maybe a trip back to the doctor is in order.

Your husband also sounds unhelpful at best! I'm not surprised you feel sad. More hugs!

BupcakesAndHaunting · 26/10/2012 20:49

Welsh. Are you OK?

Please stick with your medication. It takes a while to get into your system and the depression can feel worse until that happens. I remember sobbing pretty much all day when I was first on my ADs. I remember thinking "Why do I feel like this when these tablets are supposed to help?" Then it all settled and it was like a black cloud of doom slowly rolling away to reveal sunshine.

WelshMaenad · 26/10/2012 20:56

I've been on it three weeks. I've been on it before, sbout ten years ago, and it did work once I'd settled in it. I know this will pass but I just feel so bloody all alone.

I have to go to my 'best' mates wedding tomorrow and paste a bloody great fake smile on my face. I don't want to go. I want to stay in bed.

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BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 26/10/2012 20:58

Welsh, i know exactly how you feel, my DH just does not get my depression. And its not new news to him, i've had it for years, he just doesnt understand :(

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 26/10/2012 20:58

Welsh you poor thing, I really hope you start to feel better soon. However I can't help but wonder why your DH isn't being in the slightest bit supportive. You've stated that you feel taken for granted, run off your feet and pretty much treated like a slave and his response is to get annoyed and fuck off for the evening . Is he normally like this? Can you suggest to him that you sit down tomorrow evening and talk it all through? You need his support right now, not his disdain.

WelshMaenad · 26/10/2012 21:07

Thank you all. I've actually stopped snivelling, which after two hours is a huge relief. To the cats, too, they seemed alarmed.

DH loves me. He is shit at talking. He doesn't understand depression. It leaves me feeling like I'm falling short of expectations, basically. I wish I could be a better wife, believe me, I'd love to not feel this way.

OP posts:

WelshMaenad · 26/10/2012 21:08

Oh, and not going to the party would have hugely disappointed the kids. I'm glad he y

OP posts:

WelshMaenad · 26/10/2012 21:09

Glad he took them!

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SoftKittyWarmKitty · 26/10/2012 21:15

Taking them to the party is one thing but he could have given you a hug, told you to rest and said he'd do the household stuff tomorrow, could he not? You're not falling short of his expectations - he's falling short of yours. Assuming he vowed to love you in sickness and in health in his vows, he needs to start talking and be open to learning about depression, and soon. Because until he's a support to you, he'll be hindering your recovery, not helping it.

mcrvamp · 26/10/2012 21:16

Have you tried writing it all down in a letter for him to read. Or even show him this thread?

People who have never had depression don't understand how desparate you can feel.

hiddenhome · 26/10/2012 21:39

Could you possibly go back to your GP and ask for some talking therapy? - usually CBT these days.

Antidepressants can be very effective, but it really sounds like you need to talk to someone too.

I can totally relate to what you write because that's been pretty much my situation since I identified that I had depression. Dh has never referred to it at all and none of his family know that I'm on them (anti-ds). It's like a non existent problem and just ignored, which is very isolating and lonely.

BeyondLimitsOfTheLivingDead · 26/10/2012 21:58

It's like a non existent problem and just ignored, which is very isolating and lonely
So true. I'm having a bit of a bad evening myself :( noticed how bad my psoriasis is earlier and it upset me, now a row with DH about him having to do 'everything' and me being a hypochondriac.
Its crap.

WelshMaenad · 26/10/2012 22:15

I'm sorry you're having a crappy evening LivingDead xx

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Wheatie · 26/10/2012 22:21

Oh welsh, I know how you feel

Kissitbetter · 26/10/2012 22:21

If you do manage to sit down and discuss it, i would suggest trying to make it clear that depression is not the sole cause of you being so upset - my experience is people who don't properly 'get it' often manage to assume that a depressed person doesn't get upset /sad/angry for any other reason. I.e. his reaction/behaviour can contribute to the way you feel

KeatsiePie · 27/10/2012 01:50

Of course YANBU. I'm so sorry you're not getting what you need from your family. It was really, really brave of you to go to your GP and get help -- when you're that far down just picking up the phone is so hard.

Unfortunately if you've hidden it from them it may just take them a while to understand that this is something that is with you every minute, that it takes up your courage and will power just to get out of bed and be there for them. And also they may be feeling guilty/defensive that they didn't realize you were doing badly. It looks like you will have to help them catch up, keep telling them exactly what you need -- and that's crummy for you to have to do, but I hope that if you can keep giving them small things to do to help you, they will be glad to be told and will do them, and over time you won't have to ask.

I hope you will do something comforting for yourself this eve. if you can.

AgentZigzag · 27/10/2012 02:13

I'm only talking about what might possibly be going on in his head, obviously I don't know him or you, so I might be wide of the mark.

But some people, when they can't feel the pain you're feeling, will minimise it in their head and see it as a weakness.

It's that weakness that for some reason makes them really angry, or frustrated, or try to avoid thinking and talking about the pain you're in because it'd mean confronting the shit way they know they're handling the situation.

So they just ignore it/you, hoping it'll all go away and be back to normal the next day (perhaps if this has happened in the past and they expect it to happen again)

Other people just don't know how to deal with it, if they were never given outward and vocal sympathy or care when they were small they never learnt the words to use to show it.

It sounds to me as though your DH loves you, and that's the main thing to remember.

It is possible to learn how to respond. You could tell him the things you know are signs that you're struggling, and then tell him how you'd like him to respond if he sees them.

So if you're quiet or crying, let him know all you need is a hug and a 'are you alright love?'.

Maybe what he thinks you need is more than you actually do, and just that simple connection will make you feel secure and noticed (whereas he's thinking it'll be an all night emotional conversation which he doesn't feel equipped for?)

MaeMobley · 27/10/2012 02:34

Hi, I have just started reading Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project. In her case, she says he DH appears unsupportive / closed off because he cannot deal with her being ill. In their case, it's not that he does not care, he just can't react appropriately.

Is it possible that your DH is like that? his way of caring was to take the children off you so you could have some time alone?

Not sure how you get across though to men like that.

PS: hugsxx I hope the ADs take effect soon.

AgentZigzag · 27/10/2012 02:39

Not just men though Mae, because her mum's the same too!

Or is that a separate thing in itself background-wise Welsh?

MaeMobley · 27/10/2012 02:42

True Agent Zigzag. I am projecting my own issues with DH onto Welsh's problems.

AgentZigzag · 27/10/2012 02:53

I probably am too Mae

I hadn't even thought of the mum in this though, must doubly hurt to get the cold shoulder from both people traditionally you thought you could rely on for support.

AdoraBell · 27/10/2012 03:03

You do know how to ask for help, you asked your GP for help. I know it took a long time but I would be willing to bet that a lot of people take a long time to ask for help when they really need it.

I really hope the ADs work for you. Regarding you running around for everyone and feeling unappreciated, just stop doing it. Or at least put a few boundaries in place. I now refuse to do things at a moments notice and drive into town almost every day. OH and DDs have had to get used to the fact that I am not here to serve them. I hope you can relax this evening at home. Sorry you've missed the party, but be kind to yourself, it's not the end of the world.

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