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AIBU/unkind re old school friend

(65 Posts)
shinyblackgrape Fri 26-Oct-12 02:18:56

I've recently got back in touch with an old school friend from school via facebook.

Since we were at school, she's had a pretty hard time if things - failed ivf, health problems, husband leaving her.

We met for lunch a few months ago and it was quite draining. I've just got married and am expected ting first DC so obviously didn't want to dwell on that. So we spent a lot of time speaking about her problems etc -which was understandable.

We arranged to meet more recently and she was about 90 minutes late - albeit she did text me but only when I had texted her to see where she was after waiti g for 15 minutes. She kept saying she was en route etc but then didn't appear for anothet hour or so. I was just about to send a final text saying I was leaving when she appeared. Again, the lunch was quite draining as we just went through the same problems again and the fact that her ex now seemed to be going out with one of her friends. Which is horrible, of course.

I've now just started mat leave and friend has been asking abou meeting up for lunch but I just can't face. I'm knackered but also feeling a bit hormonal and just feel I can't sit through another 3 hour lunch listening to more problems etc. however, another part if me thinks that I'm being really unkind and that I should try and offer a bit if support as it is only a few hours.

DH thinks it's a complete no brainer and I should just make a polite excuse etc. specifically in case I have to sit there for 90 mins again waiting. I just don't know though and feel I'm being unkind

SoleSource Fri 26-Oct-12 02:22:29

Make polite excuse. You have outgrown her. She deserves somebody who wants her company. I understand your POV though.

Kiwiinkits Fri 26-Oct-12 02:28:34

You can't be friends with everyone. Most people struggle to maintain any more than 4-5 genuine friendships. Fob her off with an excuse (e.g. pregnancy scan) and don't contact her again.

beansmum Fri 26-Oct-12 02:35:42

I would just make an excuse - but if you're nicer than me maybe do coffee instead of lunch. That would be less likely to drag on for hours. Or plan something immediately after the date so you have to leave. And don't hang around waiting for 90 mins! That's crazy. 20 mins max.

JurassicFart Fri 26-Oct-12 02:43:55

I feel sorry for her, it sounds like she needs a friend - do you know if she does this to her other friends too? BUT I can totally understand, I wouldn't want to have lunch with her either.

Next time, like beansmum said, just agree to meet for a coffee with the understanding that you have another appointment at X o'clock that you must keep.

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease Fri 26-Oct-12 02:49:10

Sounds like she could really do with a friend but from the sound of it you're not the right person for that job.

Thumbwitch Fri 26-Oct-12 02:55:39

I think at the moment you should just look after yourself - I know it sounds a bit selfish but you've enough going on, you don't need to take on someone who is only interested in discussing her problems just now. Make an excuse.

ZombTEE Fri 26-Oct-12 06:17:14

A friend is someone who gives as well as takes. This is not a friend.

Don't worry about it and just don't see her any more.

Growlithe Fri 26-Oct-12 06:36:18

You really could do without her at this time in your life. Pregnancy is a time when you should fill your life with positive people.

It's great to reconnect with people via FB. What is really great about it is that you can almost seem like someone's best friend whilst actually keeping them at arms length. I'd adopt this approach with this 'friend', dropping the idea of another RL meeting.

redexpat Fri 26-Oct-12 07:25:44

We all have limits. I have some people in my life who I just don't have the strength to be around when they are down/depressed. Try not to beat yourself up over it.

shinyblackgrape Fri 26-Oct-12 08:19:16

giraffe - that's why I feel bad as I do agree that she could do with a friend. However, I just don't feel up to it at the moment.

I told DH a bit about it when I came home and he said he felt thoroughly depressed just hearing about it. So did I. His view though is to avoid now as I've given a bit of support. I feel sorry and want to try and help as you think how awful it would be if it happened to you.

The issue is that I don't want to look as though in comparison I'm bumming about my lovely DH and baby so I tend to just focus on the negatives of being pregnant ooooh terribly sick and of being married DH being extreme sport watcher par excellence and unable to sort out the washing Then I feel bad and a bit down after its a bit like misery loving company.

I feel better now though that I've seen lots if posts saying it's OK though. grin

Facebook is a bit of a mare though as she is on a lot so I'll need to be careful re making arrangements/saying I'm free in there. But I can do that.

Growlithe Fri 26-Oct-12 08:38:36

DH went on a course once where they talked about the people in your life being either drains, who basically drag you down, and radiators, who make you feel good about yourself and your life. If you get the right balance of people right you will be on your way to a happy life.

This person is already draining you, because she is making you feel like you need to talk negatively about what is one of the happiest times of your life.

Life is all ups and downs for everyone. Just as she is feeling bad about her low at the moment you are entitled to enjoy your high point, without anyone making you feel bad about it.

oldbootface Fri 26-Oct-12 08:41:08

Let's hope you are never the friend in need.

pictish Fri 26-Oct-12 08:46:53

Harsh oldbootface.

OP - yanbu. There is this bizarre theory that we women are supposed to be selfless givers of our time to whoever might need it, caring,nurturing, great listeners, and on hand with bucketloads of sympathy when required.

Well...sometimes we just haven't got the time or the inclination to provide a counselling service. And that's ok.

Growlithe Fri 26-Oct-12 08:48:04

oldbootface That's a bit unfair. It's just someone she knew from school who she has got back in touch with on FB. If she'd been a proper friend they wouldn't have lost touch in the first place.

NewFaceNeeded Fri 26-Oct-12 09:05:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shinyblackgrape Fri 26-Oct-12 09:06:14

pictish'- yes! That's it exactly re the counselling service.

oldboot - I've tried to provide support and have done. But where do you draw the line. I feel I have to somewhere and do the right thing for me.

shinyblackgrape Fri 26-Oct-12 09:08:30

newface - thank you. Yes, if I go again, I think I'll go for the coffee option. Don't think it will really be feasible for a while after the baby is born anyway and I would feel really awkward turning up with him in any event.

Mrsjay Fri 26-Oct-12 09:08:37

let the meetings slide stay friendly with her through facebook and a text now and again
school was a lifetime ago and you have both grown up and apart I had old school friends on FB and then defriended it really is true if you were proper friends you would have stayed in touch in some way after leaving school,

pictish Fri 26-Oct-12 09:11:34

Yes...you do have to do the right thing for you.

She is obviously totally preoccupied with her problems to the point where she will monopolise people's time with them.
It's not a two way thing, so it's nae good.

AlmostAHipster Fri 26-Oct-12 09:14:29

Just say No to emotional vampires. She'll live.

shinyblackgrape Fri 26-Oct-12 09:16:06

You're all making me feel a lot better now.

Very good point that if we had bern such good friends we would have stayed in touch anyway.

pictish Fri 26-Oct-12 09:16:52

I have just managed to extricate myself from the clutches of an emotional vampire. Suck suck suck. Take take take. Me me me.

Got shot. No regrets.

Mrsjay Fri 26-Oct-12 09:17:18

OH YANBU or unkind to her at all if you want to meet go for coffee don't do lunch meet in town or something then you can limit your time, I know she is going through an awful time and needs to off load but it sounds too draining I couldn't be arsed with it TBH

Mrsjay Fri 26-Oct-12 09:18:00

I love the emotional vampire phrase I know a few of those

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