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Should I be more accommodating?

(66 Posts)
ernieandbert Thu 25-Oct-12 23:59:14

I'm getting married next year and my brother is getting married the month after us. The other day, someone asked FSIL if she had found bridesmaid dresses yet and what colour she was having. She replied green. I was also planning to have green, so I mentioned it then to make sure she knew I wasn't copying etc as I know some people are particular about these things.

Today I get a text message from my brother telling me they are having sage and asking what shade I was having. I replied that we were also having sage because it would be a good colour to match our flowers (colourful country-style), but that I didn't mind having the same colour as them, and asked if they minded. He replied that they didn't really want to have the same colour as the weddings are close together, and that FSIL has planned the wedding around sage. I replied that sage isn't really a colour scheme for us, that the flowers are the main event so the weddings wouldn't look that similar really, but that I would look at slightly darker shades of green.

It's not that I care about the colour that much (it's what I prefer, but doesn't matter as much to me as it obviously does to them). I'm pissed off because they are the ones who are bothered about having the same colours but I'm the one who's expected to change to something else?!

I cannot understand why a colour scheme is more important to someone than having a good relationship with their sister (ie. me).

AIBU to stick to green or should I change to accommodate them?

SirBoobAlot Fri 26-Oct-12 00:02:20

I don't think you would be unreasonable either way. If its really important to you, then keep the colour. If you're not fussed, then change it, simply so you don't have to deal with the drama.

Got a feeling you should be on bridezilla alert though!!

kdiddy Fri 26-Oct-12 00:02:50

If they were that arsed about colour schemes they should have asked you earlier what you had planned. Nobody will remember, notice, or care apart from them I suspect. Couldn't tell you anyone's colour scheme from any wedding I've been to. So if you've got it planned and sorted, I don't think I'd change, unless it is easily done and you aren't too fussed about the sage.

janelikesjam Fri 26-Oct-12 00:17:12

If it were me, I would change colours, as you have less of it planned. It means alot to them, the "sage green" thing. I do think it is a little bizarre, and not handled in a very friendly way but not worth falling out about in the scheme of things ...

Anniegetyourgun Fri 26-Oct-12 00:21:20

Ach, stick 'em in lilac or peach, unless any of them have very florid complexions. Then bride and groomzilla won't be able to moan, unless their second cousin's husband's aunt turns up wearing that precise shade and then they'll be convinced you did it on purpose. In advance. Somehow.

mamamibbo Fri 26-Oct-12 00:21:56

i got married then my aunt got married 6 weeks later and had the same theme if you had at been my wedding and then described my cake to someone without photos it would be the same as her cake, i thought it was a bit odd but no one else mentioned it or seemed to care

Kiwiinkits Fri 26-Oct-12 01:45:48

In reality, no-one's going to notice or really care about your colour scheme unless the bridesmaids dresses look exactly the same. But in the interests of good relations between you and your future SIL I would change your colours. Wild flowers look lovely with pale yellow or even bright yellow.

holidaysarenice Fri 26-Oct-12 01:52:22

Personally I'd keep what you have got. Say aww sorry you don't want to be the same as me, maybe .... Wud be nice as an alternative. It will tell u if she's open to change or being a bridezilla.

And for furture reference tell them nothing unless you want a drama...just laugh and say you'll have to wait and see, if asked.

ernieandbert Fri 26-Oct-12 02:26:17

Annie - I can't choose those colours for the exact reasons you mention :-( Would have been nice to have champagne or something but it just won't happen with these complexions!

Mamma - I don't think it's going to be anywhere near the same. Because they apparently have a whole colour coordination thing going on between the stationary, cake, chair sashes, bridesmaid dresses and grooms outfits. Whereas I have a barnyard-themed cake, no preference on stationary design, no sashes and the groomsmen will probably be in kilts. Unless they are also having country style flowers, which I highly doubt, then I can't see the overall theme or feel of the wedding being the same. Maybe I just need to explain this to them for explicitly.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Fri 26-Oct-12 03:44:30

I'd ask for a colour swatch. My SIL had a 'sage' theme. 'Sage' turned out to be bright Shrek. She must have really hated her bridesmaids...

If your idea of sage is the same as FSIL's then switch. Why not go for cream? Excellent choice on Pippa Middleton, suits everyone and would go well with the country flowers.

ZombTEE Fri 26-Oct-12 07:17:24

My god do people really care about these things?

I can't even remember what my colour scheme was and it was less than 10 years ago!

No one will notice or care about 2 days after the event.

Keep your sage.

onedev Fri 26-Oct-12 07:22:35

Given how you describe it, I actually think you should change your colour, sorry! It obviously means a lot to them & they've planned a lot around it whereas it doesn't sound kind you have to the same extent.

I agree with others that its unlikely your guests would remember but your FSIL & your DB will so I'd switch rather than have any bad feelings.

Hope all goes well.

HappyTurquoise Fri 26-Oct-12 07:39:22

Get a swatch of fabric from your SIL (to be). Unless you have been buying the exact same fabric and having the dresses made up, you could be looking at completely different colours. Then you can stick to your colour and call it another name. Artichoke green, willow green, countryside green...or send a swatch of the colour you have in mind and ask what they would call it.

Sokmonsta Fri 26-Oct-12 07:40:09

Your wedding is first so any similarities will be noticed in a negative light to the second wedding. If at all. From what I've seen at the bridal shops round here, a lot of their window displays are sage green types so its obviously the 'in' colour at the moment. Change it only if you want to and if you can find another colour you like/suits your purpose. Otherwise just go along with it being the popular colour at the moment.

DeSelby Fri 26-Oct-12 07:46:30

It appears to matter a lot more to them, if I were you I'd change your colour dresses as it doesn't sound like overall it will make any difference to your wedding but may help your relationship with your brother and sister in law. Out of interest who decided that the weddings should be so close?

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Fri 26-Oct-12 08:00:57

Your wedding is first. You chose your colours first. They can either have the sane colour as you, or change their colour scheme. No way should you have to change anything.

exoticfruits Fri 26-Oct-12 08:01:42

While I don't think it matters in the slightest, either having the weddings close together or a similar colour, I think that I would just change the colour, if you haven't bought them yet, and save any aggro- it is the last thing you want.

ernieandbert Fri 26-Oct-12 08:12:31

We didn't choose our colours first, I think we both chose them independently and then just found out at the same time that they were both green. They got engaged before us (or at least they announced it before us, we were planning to get married anyway). They set their date first. However, they decided to have an 18 month engagement, we only wanted 12 months max as we want to start a family. Since DP's family and a lot of our friends live abroad, we were very restricted with dates and only came down to a couple of weekends in the whole year that everyone could do (taking into account army deployment, university dates and school dates for teachers.). So please don't villify me for the date I chose.

Seems like most people think I should change my colour. While I don't really have a problem with that wrt my wedding, I feel like I'm being bullied which makes me not want to just give in.

exoticfruits Fri 26-Oct-12 08:18:24

It all depends which is the most important to you- I would just remove the unwanted stress unless I was absolutely set on the colour. It is the last thing you want.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 26-Oct-12 08:19:19

I would be inclined to keep the colour if I were you OP. Your wedding is first. I doubt your brother cares at all,he's probably just being harangued by FSIL.

If you both came to colour choices independently then I don't see why you should have to change. She sounds like she could be a bit of a bridezilla.

Inertia Fri 26-Oct-12 08:19:27

I'd just identify it by a particular type flower/plant you plan to have, e.g. tell them you're having ivy green.

My B and SIL got married just before us (ours was planned first) and had the same colour dresses - everything else was very different and nobody noticed the dresses.

Can you compromise by picking out a flower colour for the rest of your colour scheme ? So you'd have the green dresses, but (for example) bluebell or rose pink napkins etc ? The other thing to consider , especially if you have a family member or friend who can sew, is to get bm dresses made, rather than risk buying exactly the same ones from Coast.

Shodan Fri 26-Oct-12 08:21:03

I'd go with HappyTurquoise's idea- stick with the green and call it another name. Country Meadow, perhaps, to go with your theme. Or Alpine Mountain Green. Or Bucolic Dream.


Kalisi Fri 26-Oct-12 08:21:45

Wow, call me precious but i'd be a bit hmm If my brother decided to get married a month before me after I'd already announced my date. I was all ready to say stick to your guns as it's your wedding but reading your latest post, your FSIL probably feels like you've stolen enough of her thunder already. Let the poor woman have her sage if you don't care.

blackeyedsusan Fri 26-Oct-12 08:25:06

I would not change anything. you want what you want, they want what they want. most people only get one wedding/one big wedding so go with what you want.

don't give in. just reassurer tham that it will look different even though this one detail is the same. laugh and say they are not going to go all bridezilla on you are they? it will be harder for them to make a fuss.

oh and change the name of your colour but not the colour.

ernieandbert Fri 26-Oct-12 08:28:42

Kalisi, when exactly am I supposed to get married then? We needed enough time to save up, but had to avoid being too close to our best friends wedding and DBs and had to make sure that our actual family and friends could make the date (not that easy when they're teachers, in the army etc as I've said). Should we have waited another year just to save their feelings? And by the way, they booked their date a week before their best friends wedding. Yes, one week. Their friends weren't happy and fell out with them about it. So obviously with that in mind, we didn't see it as being that important to them.

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