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I(P)ABU but anyway...

(22 Posts)
ishopthereforeiam Thu 25-Oct-12 14:27:13

I'm fuming. In laws overstepping the mark / me being very OCD.

My home is my home and theirs is theirs. I respect their home, I don't go in and rearrange their things.

Got back yesterday to find dd's crayon box has been replaced with some random plastic vanity bag from Virgin planes (the freebie one). The previous container wasn't anything special either but just annoyed that MiL has changed it for no reason. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous that I am annoyed about this, but I am. Feels like we are constantly in some sort of "Passive / aggressive" battle with her exerting her matriarchal authority, like if I say I'll cook something she decides to try and make it. All sounds daft. Maybe I'm just overtired from 3mo DS and 20mo DD...

valiumredhead Thu 25-Oct-12 14:29:52

She probably thought she was helping. She didn't throw the other container away .....did she? shock

Naghoul Thu 25-Oct-12 14:30:01

what else?

the crayons could have been moved because she was tidying and couldn't see the pot.

The cooking sounds a lot like helping.

what else happened that makes you jump on the crayon pot?

EndoplasmicReticulum Thu 25-Oct-12 14:33:27

It's not the crayon pot. It's the swooping in and messing with stuff without asking.

Would you go to a friend's house and randomly swap their containers over without saying anything? No, you wouldn't, because it's odd.

Having said that, my mum comes and does stuff in my house when I'm at work sometimes - we get home and the lawn has been mown and the weeding done....I think if she wants to be the gardening fairy then she is very welcome.

Naghoul Thu 25-Oct-12 14:43:04

no you wouldn't, but it you were colouring with the DC and they threw all the crayons out of the pot, you might put the crayons back in whatever you could find. Or the Dc might get irrationally attached to the Virgin planes vanity bag and want all their crayons put in it.

I wouldn't have got vexed about the crayon pot unless there was a shedload of other examples.

Permission to drip feed OP...

ishopthereforeiam Thu 25-Oct-12 14:45:28

Think you've hit the nail on the head endo. I'm a smart(ish) woman and if I read this post I would think what on earth is the problem it's just a plastic bag / crayon pot but I am irrationally very angry as it seems strange to just mess with other people's things...

The original crayon pot is fine, she could find it as she picked it up and left it in the kitchen on the side.

There just seems to be this underlying feeling of her trying to compete with me for things but it's my family, if that makes sense. I always encourage her to see the grandchildren etc but she said something odd about her nephew that he loved her so much he refused to go to his own mother... I found that sad rather than something to be proud of hmm

IMhO grandparents are around to love, cherish and spoil the grandkids (and as they don't have to discipline will always be very much loved!) but not to "take over"?

Sorry I'm rambling.

ishopthereforeiam Thu 25-Oct-12 14:47:53

Hiya Naghoul didn't mean to dripfeed at all but thanks smile, I think I always seem to get more narked by little things after a baby as after dd I used to get peeved about loads of small things, and the same is happening now.

No idea if it's the hormones, the lack of sleep or just the fact we see them every week / 2 times a week so I'm a bit od'd?

BackforGood Thu 25-Oct-12 15:06:05

Wow!
I'm hoping there really is a LOT more to this, or you have some serious control issues, or are the DiL from hell ! shock
At present, giving you the benefit of the doubt, as I expect you will start telling us more of what the issue really is ?

countrybump Thu 25-Oct-12 15:09:00

I could have written your post a few years ago! When my MIL visits I feel like I am a guest in my own home. She just sort of takes over, without meaning to, and I used to end up quietly fuming because it was my house and my children and it was hard to just let it go.

Silly things like her filling the fridge with food, or organising what we would have for tea used to drive me mad. I used the feel like 360 days of the year I was quite capable of running the house - shopping and cooking included - and then the 5 days MIL was visiting it was assumed it was all too much for me!

But, in the end, I started to embrace it, and now I act like a guest when she visits! I don't bother shopping before she arrives as I know she will bring a load of food with her, or go out and buy it anyway, and will then proceed to plan what she (or more likely FIL) will cook each day. She will also load my washing machine, hang out the washing, iron everything, including underwear, and every other job around the house. She's really happy because she feels like she's helping, and I'm really happy because I don't worry about it, and in fact enjoy the time off!

It took me a while to get there though -probably around the time I went back to working longer hours and my eldest DC started school, and I needed the 'help' for the first time.

squeakytoy Thu 25-Oct-12 15:11:50

"IMhO grandparents are around to love, cherish and spoil the grandkids (and as they don't have to discipline will always be very much loved!) but not to "take over"?"

So grandparents shouldnt discipline then? Why on earth not.. I just do not understand the MN general view that only the parents should discipline a child, and it makes me wonder if that is why there seems to be a generation of cheeky children with no respect for adults at all.

ishopthereforeiam Thu 25-Oct-12 15:18:35

country I also get v peeved as there are loads and loads of cooked meals that arrive with every visit, and they tidy my house do the washing up etc. I know some people see that as a great thing and would love it but I find it interfering. I used to like the food being brought once in a while but now it's every time I then feel like we have to eat it rather than anything I make before it all goes off. I know, I know - the more I say the dafter it sounds but it's just how I feel! Maybe I should see a counsellor?

squeaky my parents and pil will tell dd not to do something etc and discipline mildly but they don't use the same firmness as I would use (I haven't asked anyone to / not to, just seems to be the way it pans out).

I do wonder if I need to get back to work sooner as I used to also feel this way after dd was born but when I was back at work I didn't seem to mind so much. I suppose as my head was full of other things (not that I'm not busy at home but it's different as I do have more time to overthink things).

countrybump Thu 25-Oct-12 23:33:00

I do get it - it was exactly how I felt. I knew I should be grateful, and I was pleased that they clearly adored their grandchildren, but I couldn't help feeling resentful that my mil seemed to want to take my role.

The ironic thing for us is that my ILs pay a cleaner and a gardener for their own home, while visiting us and doing the cleaning and gardening! Madness, but if it keeps them happy!

CoolaSchmoola Thu 25-Oct-12 23:56:12

I can appreciate why you are mad, I'd be the same if anyone rearranged stuff in my house without asking. Although I am also slightly envious as when my ILs visit us they act like they are on holiday in a six star hotel with personal steward. Right down to if they spill coffee/tea/sugar on the work surface they walk away and leave it there, usually with the spoon sat in the puddle. Which drives me insane - chuck it in the sink if you can't be arsed to put it in the dishwasher but don't leave it on the work surface!

They don't do anything. At all. Except make endless brews and leave the kitchen covered in coffee granules, tea stains, spilt sugar and FUCKING SPOONS!

I love having guests but I was brought up to offer to help when I'm in someone else's home. I usually say thank you it's fine when someone offers in my house, but they don't offer. They just sit watching tv and drinking tea/coffee whilst DH and I run around like blue arse flies. They don't even clear plates at the end of a meal - they just get up and leave the table.

Whilst I don't expect guests to do housework I do expect manners and for our home not to be treated like a hotel with us as the staff.

I would be thrilled if just occasionally they did help out.

Something else that drives me mental and is probably just me MIL insists on referring to my children as HER babies and saying things like "You like Granny best don't you" and "Come to Granny not nasty Mummy/Daddy" - and the one that happens all the time "You're Granny's baby aren't you. My baby, my baby." I find it all a little sad and pathetic and irritating as all hell.

ishopthereforeiam Fri 26-Oct-12 09:45:38

country that is the most ironic thing I've heard! Made me grin though.

coola it's weird how that happens with the possessive terms for GCs. Both my folks and PIL do it with different terms, Grandad's princess, Gran's little doll, Nanna's sweetheart etc. I also find it irritating that my folks will ask dd which grandparents are her favourite!

Mrsjay Fri 26-Oct-12 09:51:55

was gran at your house looking after the children I am confused who was where ? you sound tired and a but over the top about this I know it is your house but really let it go it is just crayons don't sweat the small stuff and relax honestly don't get stressed about boxes and cooking ,

Anniegetyourgun Fri 26-Oct-12 09:55:02

IAPBU as well, as I'm very territorial and I'd probably bite somebody if they started coming into my house and rearranging my stuff. It's unnecessary. Though I suppose if they were looking after the house/plants/pets while I was away I could cut them some slack. If they were just letting themselves in I'd be having that key back sharpish.

gordyslovesheep Fri 26-Oct-12 09:59:37

come back when your MIL has rearranged your vibrator knicker draw - mine did - she is now my EX Mil

desperateforaholiday Fri 26-Oct-12 10:11:27

I think yabu, the cooking sounds like helping and if my dc are anything to go by a zip up bag is more fun than a container.
It all sounds a bit petty tbh, you dont seem to mind your mum entering your house and doing things, so why is it such a problem that your mil wants to be involved?

desperateforaholiday Fri 26-Oct-12 10:16:36

Sorry didn't read the thread properly so ignore my comment about your mum, but I still think yabu

ishopthereforeiam Fri 26-Oct-12 10:38:51

gordy shock!

WildRumpus Fri 26-Oct-12 10:47:11

Ishop - YANBU. I feel your frustration.
Gordy blush - much as Iove my DH I would probably have to make him xDH if his mother did that!

ishopthereforeiam Sat 27-Oct-12 22:02:44

We were there today and I resisted the naughty temptation to move a few things around.

She mentioned dd likes emptying her crayon box out on the floor (as she does with all of her toys) but no mention as to why the box was upgraded (- perhaps to prevent dd doing this?).

Did get slightly peeved when she decided DS (3mo) was too warm so removed his cardi and socks but didn't seem to get as wound up as I did when similar things happened when dd was born.

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