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Family friend disciplining dd making me uncomfortable

(143 Posts)
Bumblequeen Thu 25-Oct-12 12:09:08

Friends of dh's family feel that we spoil dd. They have made comments and explained how they keep their children in order.

On several occasions they have disciplined dd. I was already dealing with it but they too joined in, probably assuming I need help.

I was upset by this and relayed this to dh. They are of a culture that children should be well disciplined. Dh says they are trying to help but I end up feeling like a little girl when I am in fact nearing to 40!

Dd can be naughty at times. She is feisty and quite spirited. she often pushes boundaries.

I now feel nervous in their presence and dread dd playing up as I know I am being judged.

We see them several times a week - there is no way around not seeing them. Cannot say why as I do not want to risk outing myself.

How do I deal with this?

I wish I had the confidence to tell them we want to do things our way but I don't.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 25-Oct-12 12:10:32

I didn't think people really did that! Gosh! Just tell them you have would prefer it if they left disciplining your dd up to you.

valiumredhead Thu 25-Oct-12 12:10:34

If you need to discipline her - what about taking her into another room so you don't have an audience?

MumsGoToReykjavik Thu 25-Oct-12 12:14:03

"Feisty and spirited" - grin - you mean you let her get away with doing whatever she wants?! Just tell them to leave it and you'll discipline as you see fit.

WearingGreen Thu 25-Oct-12 12:15:31

If she is being naughty and it is impacting on them and you aren't doing anything about it then YABU.

If she is just being a normal child and they are tearing strips off her or if she is being naughty and you are going to deal with it but they leap in first then you need to say something. Its not fair on your dd otherwise.

valiumredhead Thu 25-Oct-12 12:17:34

If you are at their house I think it's fair enough for them to discipline her if you aren't doing it.

Poledra Thu 25-Oct-12 12:18:45

Well, I have the problem that when I am telling off one of my DCs, the other DCs are likely to try to join in with the scolding! I say 'I do not need your contribution, thank you, I am dealing with this.' Might be a little blunt for your requirements...

AbbyRue Thu 25-Oct-12 12:21:15

"They are of a culture that children should be well disciplined" hmm well yeah confused

YANBU for feeling judged though, I can see how it looks like you're being undermined.

TiAAAAARGHo Thu 25-Oct-12 12:22:09

Yes - tell them flatly that you do not require their input.

ZombTEE Thu 25-Oct-12 12:23:57

"I'm handling this, thank you"

That's all you need to say.

However...are you actually disciplining your child? Most parents I know who describe their children as 'spirited' are actually missing the part where their children are, in fact, undisciplined brats.

BlueberryHill Thu 25-Oct-12 12:25:29

Decide if you are disciplining your daughter appropriately, only you can say that as we aren't there. If you are, be confident about it and tell them to butt out (in a nice assertive way). If you aren't, think about how you can do it, be confident doing it, and tell them to butt out. If they are doing it to 'show you how to do it' they should butt out. There is a theme here I know, it would / does drive me potty when people do this, it isn't their issue and they are out of order in doing it. I wouldn't discipline anyone elses children, unless the parent isn't doing anything / isn't there and it either would harm my children or my belongings / house.

VenusRising Thu 25-Oct-12 12:27:47

It sounds like you don't like confrontation at all and maybe maybe maybe your DD picks up on this as well.

Whenever I hear of people describing their kids as feisty / spirited / pushing boundaries /hitting buttons, I always wonder if their kid just acts up as they are in a vacuum, looking for direction, or do they have some basic need unmet - like being thirsty or allergic to something in their diet / environment.

As I see it - your DD may well want you to take a firmer line with her so she finds the boundaries with you, as she's acting up so much.

Someone once said to me that you must socialise your kids, or someone else will: it's better that the child is socialised with love from you, rather as a project by someone who doesn't care about her as much / or is just irritated by her 'antisocial' behaviour.

Maybe what I'm saying isn't what you want to hear? But I can see all sides of this situation. Maybe you do need their help?

mymatemax Thu 25-Oct-12 12:27:51

depends, if you dont want them to tell her off then tell them so.
Personaly if my kids are naughty I'm happy for anyone to tell them off if i dont get there first.
does mean that soemtimes people may pull them up on things that i would probably let go but hey, not going to do any ahrm is it!

Snazzyspookyandscary Thu 25-Oct-12 12:28:15

You have to either
a) pluck up the confidence to say something to them - some very good suggestions here,
b) find a way out of seeing them so often
c) find a more effective way of dealing with your DD being naughty

Which would be least difficult?

Everlong Thu 25-Oct-12 12:29:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BegoniaBampot Thu 25-Oct-12 12:32:03

On of the benefits of living 400 miles from closest family. No one interferes, no one makes me feel like the baby of the family again and undermines even though I'm a mum in her forties so understand how you are finding this difficult especially if you have cultural norms to deal with.

Unless your daughter is really being out of order and whilst in their home etc then this would bug me big time. You either put up for a quiet life or possibly offend them. You could tell them politely of course. I've ended up having words with my mum, dad and sister regarding this, I couldn't put up but it did create a bit of a rift and means I just don't visit or see them as much.

Fishwife1949 Thu 25-Oct-12 12:32:04

Sorrry op if yoir child is not being good espically at somones house and you cant or wont do anything then i dont see how they have a choice

I had a mate of mine who used to come for lunch and her son was allowed to demand things

So he would say give me a drink i made it very clear to hom and to har i wont be spoken to by a 5 year old like that in my own home he either said please and thank you asked niely or he would get nowt

If she wants to put up with that then thats her look put but others shouldn't expect others to tolarte bad bahviour

Also SPRITED is usually code for badly behavedwink

If you get your child in order then others wont have to step in

I seen this 100s of time at the park ect were one child is running wild there are gentle hints to the parent who is doing frig all them somone simply. Has to step in for the child own sAke

CassandraApprentice Thu 25-Oct-12 12:32:14

Deep breath - draw yourself up to full height - even if that not very tall - and snap "Excuse me I am dealing with this" possibly add - "Thank you very MUCH" in a firm dismissive voice -

You could try that with a smile but that is easier to dismiss. Practise in the mirror.

They may get offended - or they may back off and treat you very carefully. I don't think you can get them not to interfere without some fall out.

You could also try stopping the disciplining - give them a withering look - and move yourself and your DC away from them and continue without engaging with them at all.

pigletmania Thu 25-Oct-12 12:32:59

Hate the terms feisty and spirited, modern terms for not behaving well. Fine if you are dealing with it, just tell them your taking care of it thanks

Bonsoir Thu 25-Oct-12 12:34:47

If your DD is behaving badly in someone else's house and you aren't effective in stopping her, then, yes, expect your DD to be disciplined by the owners of the house.

Fishwife1949 Thu 25-Oct-12 12:35:11

Also i think its helathy for chikdren not to think the oly person they can be told off by is there parents

And diffrent enviorments have diffrent behaviours and he must lean them

When a child says well i can do it at home the only answer can be you are not at home

pigletmania Thu 25-Oct-12 12:35:13

Yes Mabey they feel tat you are not dealing with it effectively. When friends son used to hit dd and be nasty to her (she has ASD), of corse I intervened as well as friend

PropertyNightmare Thu 25-Oct-12 12:35:42

I think you are quite lucky that someone else cares enough about your child to want to help her manage her behaviour. Unless they are hitting her or doing something crazy and extreme just embrace it. Discipline will not hurt your child. Particularly if she is prone to naughtiness. Easier to deal with it now than have her branded as difficult once she starts school. Yabu.

CassandraApprentice Thu 25-Oct-12 12:36:08

Oh and don't ignore the 'sprit full behaviour' - especially if it’s impacting on others and then others feel they can jump in and undermine you - plus it rude and annoying for other people.

If you've dealt with it and they jump in with their view of discipline - the '
I've just dealt with that thank you -

lalaland30008 Thu 25-Oct-12 12:36:22

Bumblequeen what sort of things is your dd doing that makes them step in?

Might give people more of an idea if you are bu or not.

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