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Is it me or him?

(59 Posts)
TheHeirOfSlytherin Wed 24-Oct-12 20:56:20

Recently I can't help but notice that certain things dh does piss me off no end - specifically in relation to his mother. I am posting to get an idea of whether I am unreasonable or justified on repeatedly getting so pissed off. I am beginning to sound like a jealous, selfish bitch.

So firstly, dh swapped our £50 Morphy Richards slow cooker for MILs £10 unbranded one. The reasoning? Our was too big for us but MILs was too small for her. Fair enough, except we're now £40 down. This annoys me. When I last raised it with dh he put the phone down on me.

Secondly, for the second time in as many months MIL has offered our belongings to friends of hers to borrow. The first instance was our travel cot, we don't use it so not a problem and we lent it out. I was slightly annoyed that MIL offered our stuff before asking us though.

Today, she offered our "spare" carseat to a friend we don't know for an unknown period of time. Dh thinks I'm completely unreasonable because when he told me about this (after he agreed to lend it and handed it over to MIL) I asked the following questions/stated the following reasons why it shouldn't have been lent to someone:

1. The carseat is only spare because dh told me the buckle was broken, so I bought a new carseat > therefore in my opinion it's not fit for use by anyone (dh claims it wasn't broken but ds just didn't fit - it's a 0-4 car seat and ds was 18 months at the time!, I clearly remember him telling me the buckle was broken as I immediately ordered a new carseat to replace it.)

2. Since it was declared broken, it has been sat in a smoky, mouldy, damp broken down car on the drive (waiting to be delivered to the tip). Therefore even if it wasn't potentially broken it would need a hell of a damn good clean before any baby goes near it imo.

3. We have no idea if the person borrowing the seat knows how to fit it correctly, or if it will even fit in their car (it doesn't fit in most small cars) and the instruction book is not with the seat. We don't know the age or weight of the baby and it doesn't have the newborn insert with it.

Overall I am very worried that this seat is not fit for use for any child and I am very annoyed that dh lent it out and that MIL offered it! Dh says I'm paranoid for worrying about that as it's the parent's decision to use it. I say they haven't been given enough information about the seat to make an informed decision.

I also pointed out that even if we had wanted to use the seat again, lending it out means we no longer have any idea if the seat has ever been dropped etc. Lending carseats to strangers is not something I would ever do.

His mum won't answer my phone calls so I can't tell her any of the above.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? And why are dh and his mother pissing me off so much lately?

LindyHemming Wed 24-Oct-12 21:01:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

STBBilly Wed 24-Oct-12 21:06:30

its you.
do you have to run ever single decision by him?
you have not lost out on any of his decisions.
you still have a slow cooker, and one that will better fit your needs
you dont use the travel cot
you dont need or use the car seat.

TheHeirOfSlytherin Wed 24-Oct-12 21:07:55

Thank you. I will shut up about the car seat.

It must be me. I don't know whats wrong with me. We all used to get on fine but lately everything is doing my head in.

Naghoul Wed 24-Oct-12 21:10:06


She's his mother. I might do a swap with my mum that benefitted her, she' my mum. I'm not going to ask her for £40.

Your DH agreed to lending the travel cot. You don't use it.

The car seat thing, if it was good enough to keep as spare, it's good enough to lend to someone. If it's unsafe it should have been thrown out.

It's all you as far as I can see sad

Softlysoftly Wed 24-Oct-12 21:10:08

Yanbu to be a bit annoyed But your "last time I brought it up" gives you away a little, how many times have you mithered on about the slow cooker? Don't belabour a point and do kindly tell your MIL to ask before offering to lend stuff as you may need it.

Conversations work wonders....

LindyHemming Wed 24-Oct-12 21:10:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LFCisTarkaDahl Wed 24-Oct-12 21:11:57

Maybe it's not the individual incidents but the general feeling that theyre disregarding you?

TennisFan42 Wed 24-Oct-12 21:15:14

I disagree, YADNBU! The history of the car seat is very relevant if it has been passed on to someone else and you are right to want to give them the full picture so they can make an informed decision on whether to use it.

As for your MIL offering your stuff without asking you first - very nice of her to be thinking of other people but she does need to check with you before giving away your stuff - I would be livid.

Swapping the slow cookers sounds more reasonable if yours was too big for you and hers too small. However, I would expect your other half to discuss it with you before actually making the swap. Not sure I would be worried about the £40 though - it's going to family.

Ithinkitsjustme Wed 24-Oct-12 21:15:15

Well anything at all to do with my MIL drives me nuts so I'm with you OP grin. As for the carseat issue, I'd try very hard to get in touch over it as it's a safety issue. If it's not fit for use I'd advise getting rid of it as soon as you can. I'm not so sure about the other things though, I'd go nuts if anyone, including my DH offered our things without checking first but that's probbaly just because I'm a bit of a control freak. I'd lend/ give things away without checking with my DH without thinking about it. Is there any more to this, other problems with your relationship, stressed at work etc? Sounds like you need to talk to him about it if there is.

NotMostPeople Wed 24-Oct-12 21:16:15

Sorry but you are being a bit ott. I have times like this usually a couple of days before my period is due, it took me a while to realise it was ptm - could this be it?

catgirl1976 Wed 24-Oct-12 21:17:33

Sorry - it does sound like you sad

Are you fed up with him in general - these sound like symptoms not cauSses IYSWIM

AutumnGlory Wed 24-Oct-12 21:19:59

I think you are being mean about the slow cooker. I think if you are really concerned about the car seat not being suitable and if your mil isn't answering the phone, txt her with your concerns. I don't think you would ever use the cars seat anyway as you said it was dirty and fit for the bin so no point in getting angry over it. Tell your mum and h that you would like to be consulted before they offer your staff again.

AlmostAHipster Wed 24-Oct-12 21:21:46

I don't care if my stuff is knackered with bits hanging off (!), it's my stuff and I'd be going ballistic if anyone gave it away especially a MIL without asking me first!
And people are saying the OP's pre-menstrual? Wow! sad

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 24-Oct-12 21:24:15

Two things leapt out of your OP to me:
"When I last raised it with dh he put the phone down on me."
"His mum won't answer my phone calls so I can't tell her any of the above."
Very rude of your husband, and incredibly rude of your MIL. And why are they behaving like that? Concerted effort, isolating you?

"for the second time in as many months MIL has offered our belongings to friends of hers to borrow."
Again, very rude. Most people in your MIL's position would, IMO, say to their friend "I think my SIL has one of them that she's not using, shall I ask if she still has it and see if you can borrow it?" - not just behave as if it is theirs to lend and their SIL has no say in the matter. Methinks MIL has a problem acknowledging boundaries.

TennisFan42 Wed 24-Oct-12 21:25:14

"And people are saying the OP's pre-menstrual? Wow! sad"

I thought that was particularly unreasonable too. What a weird thing to suggest. Maybe that poster needs a trip over to the feminism boards.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Wed 24-Oct-12 21:27:34

YABU...sorry. I understand that it's annoying, but really not worth your emotions. Try and switch off and move on; there's loads more in life to get het up about. Not easy to hear, but good luck...chocolate and a mag works for me.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 24-Oct-12 21:27:56

DIL not SIL! Doh!

mutny Wed 24-Oct-12 21:35:15

YABU Completely

Slowcooker - you still have one that meets your needs, you are not £40 down at all. If you still had your cooker you still would not have the £40. You would be more money down if you had to go buy another. Did you expect him to say 'your slow cooker would be better for us, lets swap and you give me £40?'

Travel cot - bit strange. But if you don't use it, it wouldn't bother me.

Car seat - I am completely baffled tbh. You say its in s state, so why would you be bothered if you never got it back.

I also agree that the fact that you clearly keep bringing it up suggests YABU and a bit of a PITA.

NotMostPeople Wed 24-Oct-12 21:36:06

No thanks I'm as feminist as they come.

I was merely giving the OP a way out, she is being unreasonable. I can be unreasonable when I've got pmt it's a fact.

TheHeirOfSlytherin Wed 24-Oct-12 21:37:54

Not pmt, that was my only excuse for my behaviour last week.

I finally got through to MIL, the baby is four months so they need the newborn insert by Friday so here I am sitting in the loft, covered in fucking loft dust and god know what spiders and shit looking for the newborn insert and I can't bloody well find it. I'm surrounded by ds's baby things and my old things and I'm in fucking tears.

I'm in such a fucking mess with my life and I've been trying to fix it but I think I've just made it harder for me. I don't want to be like this.

noseymcposey Wed 24-Oct-12 21:40:07

I would be far more annoyed about DH putting the phone down on me than any of the other things you have mentioned. That is quite an inflammatory thing to do in my opinion.

MissHuffy Wed 24-Oct-12 21:40:55

I don't think YABU at all, particularly about the seat.

noseymcposey Wed 24-Oct-12 21:41:38

What have you been trying to fix and how have you made it harder?

Can you get DH to look for it while you have a hot bath and relax for a bit?

LittleMissFlustered Wed 24-Oct-12 21:41:46

Your mother in law needs to keep her nose out if your belongings. Next time she offers before asking, say no. Regardless of whether it's something you need or otherwise. She needs to learn that your stuff is not hers just because she is your husband's mother.

Before anyone asks, the same would go for mother too, not just in-laws! smile

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