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To be a bit sad about this and want to avoid this person, (long)

(55 Posts)
Marzipanface Wed 24-Oct-12 15:13:14

I probably am being unreasonable, plus I know this is very trivial etc...

I moved to a new town a year ago, my neighbour moved in not long after me. We introduced ourselves and discovered that we have quite a bit in common plus have young children. She didn't know anyone so I told her about the toddler groups and she came along with me. I introduced her to any other Mum's I had met. This went on for a while, coffee visits, toddler groups and trips out. I was quite pleased I had found a friend. I introduced her to another family on the street who are lovely and their children play with my child. Neighbour seemed quite uncomfortable with it all then admitted to me next time I saw her that she didn't want to socialise or be friendly with this family. The reason? They don't own their home, in fact it is a HA house. I was really shocked at the attitude but have gradually discovered it is quite prevalent around here.

Then I was ill for about two weeks and couldn't get out and about very well. On returning to toddler groups, neighbour's attitude seemed to change towards me. I was sort of left smiling and waving at her when she walked through the doors only for her to blank me and go over to another bunch of mums. When I went over to chat her at the groups, she would be polite but would often turn her back to talk to the other mums. As my garden backs onto hers, I couldn't fail to notice she began to invite the other mums back to her house after toddler groups and all the kids would play outside. I felt quite bad for my little one as she wanted to go and play as well. Clearly I wasn't invited.

Confused, I assumed I had done something to offend her so left it to just being polite when I saw her. It became summer holidays, groups stopped and clearly neighbour had nothing to do so suddenly very friendly with me again, inviting me round and telling me she had nothing to do so maybe we should hook up? Nevertheless I did go round for coffee and felt we got on quite well. Over the holidays she repeatedly said 'come round, we can catch up' so I would knock on her door and we would arrange a time. This was sort of never reciprocated. When I invited her round I didn't hear anything.

So, after the fourth time of me knocking on her door like a wally, I decided I would just leave it and see if she came knocking on mine.

Three months passed...

Nothing until today. She has knocked and informed she is bored and can she and her child come in and play.

I said no politely as we have plans later (lie, I am actually feeling quite run down)

This obviously annoyed her and she pressed for a time next week.

AIBU to bloody upset and feel a bit 'used'?

AgentZigzag Wed 24-Oct-12 15:20:08

Well done smile

For just saying no and resisting the urge to tell her to fuck right off.

I'm not surprised you feel upset and used, why would you (or your DD) want to spend time with anyone like that?

geegee888 Wed 24-Oct-12 15:22:18

YANBU. What an awful woman. Take the lead and blank her, in fact tell her exactly why you're blanking her - her lack of social skills. I'd be tempted to tell her I'm blanking her because, although I'm not normally a snob, I expect my friends to be well rounded well brought up individuals with good manners who treat people from all walks of life with the same respect.

BadgersBottom Wed 24-Oct-12 15:24:05

She sounds like exactly the kind of person you don't want in your life. Well done on saying no, well done on not telling her to fuck the fuck off and no, YANBU to feel used but it won't be happening again will it?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Wed 24-Oct-12 15:24:21

She sounds like a user unfortunately. I would avoid making any plans with her. If she asks why you are cool towards her, be honest with her.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 24-Oct-12 15:25:13

She sounds well worth avoiding. Well done for being polite to her, and for not allowing her to use you.

BobbiFleckmann Wed 24-Oct-12 15:28:34

very hard when she's next door to you but best thing is to remain polite but steer clear. If she's that rude, you don't want your DC to form close friendships with hers & end up being rebuffed because of the mother's social engineering games. Remember she'll need to be nice to you when her parcels are being delivered / emergencies etc etc... but same in reverse!

Marzipanface Wed 24-Oct-12 15:30:15


I have a history for being a bit of an apologist for people's behaviour so wasn't sure if I am overreacting. I'm trying to change!

DH reckons it is because I am friendly with the family that she doesn't like.

Marzipanface Wed 24-Oct-12 15:32:25

Yes I hadn't thought of social engineering games. The more I got to know her, the more I think this is her 'thing'.

moleskin Wed 24-Oct-12 15:38:20

She sounds like a right cow! And a total snob for not liking someone who doesn't own their own house! Steer well clear

showtunesgirl Wed 24-Oct-12 15:44:23

She can fuck right off. YOU OP are too good for her. <flounce>

pigletmania Wed 24-Oct-12 15:50:26

She sounds awful, a real user. Be polite but don't be Frendswith her. She sounds very superficial

Marzipanface Wed 24-Oct-12 16:28:25

It's not the first time. She collared me outside the house once, chatted to me for ages, then admitted she had issue with child care. At the time I thought, she can't really be that transparent??

Thing is, she can be very nice and kind. When I spend time with her, it's quite nice except for the head tilts and asking if I have made any friends yet? Grr!! How hard would it have been for her to introduce me to the mum friends she has made?

Marzipanface Wed 24-Oct-12 16:34:39

And with regards to social engineering, she has already expressed concern over the number of social housing allocation in the development nearby and has said she won't let her child play in the park area due to the children from social housing.

These attitudes have made me feel uncomfortable and are another good reason to distance myself.

JustFabulous Wed 24-Oct-12 16:35:10

She won't talk to someone because they have not been lucky enough to buy their own house.

She doesn't want to be your friend because you like the people who have a HA house.

She only bothers with you when there is no one else around.

She uses people for child care but never gives help back.

She patronises you.

Why woudn't you want to be best mates with her??

No, she can't "be nice and kind," it is all an act to get something she wants.

SoleSource Wed 24-Oct-12 16:54:55

Cut her out. You seem a good woman, most would be proud to call a friend. Cut the snobby, ignorant arsehole out. You owe her nothing.

WandaDoff Wed 24-Oct-12 16:57:49

You are worth two of her, OP.

trixie123 Wed 24-Oct-12 16:58:12

on the whole I agree withe everyone else, though as you are neighbours, it might be nice for your DCs if you were on reasonable terms so that they can play together.

LizLemon030 Wed 24-Oct-12 17:02:21

well done! And can I actually say 'thank you'. [tea]

I've come accross this kind of snobbery and it's upsetting. I'm a single parent in a rented house and I know that some people think that 'poor' is catching. I started out in a privately owned home blah blah blah but life threw me a curve ball. I can't believe sometimes how people still judge you on the basis of what you have .

Marzipanface Wed 24-Oct-12 17:19:51

Aww thanks everyone! You've made me feel a lot better. I have been feeling a bit of a billy no mates lately and wondering if I have done the right thing.

Am quite gutted as I find it hard to make friends locally and I thought having a mate next door would be super.

I don't think she really wants to be friends does she? Not to mention I find her views pretty unpleasant and ill-informed.

Marzipanface Wed 24-Oct-12 17:21:06

Trixie - I would stay on reasonable terms with her of course. Just be wary I suppose.

SoleSource Wed 24-Oct-12 17:38:43

She is not good enough for YOU. You are lovely, caring, friendly. She has proven to be a bit spiteful and a user. She has upset you and she will not change.

pigletmania Wed 24-Oct-12 19:17:41

Better to have no friends tan ones like that who use you and want you when there is nobody else

SauvignonBlanche Wed 24-Oct-12 19:22:07

She sound hideous, what an outrageous snob!

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 24-Oct-12 19:30:41

" At the time I thought, she can't really be that transparent??"
Oh yes she can! I'm sure she thought she was being all subtle, but users rarely have any finesse.

" I have been feeling a bit of a billy no mates"
Oh no you're not! You're looking at how she has surrounded herself with people, but they are not 'mates' - they are acquaintances or an entourage, at best. And they will fall away as soon as her mask slips and they suss her out.

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