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To not want to pay for family to come to UK

(46 Posts)
Beaverfeaver Wed 24-Oct-12 12:44:14

My PIL's have booked a house for BIL/SIL and their two children to stay in over Xmas week as none of us have enough room to accommodate them.

PIL's don't think they will pay for it, which I think is bad enough, but now other BIL's who live in UK have got wind of this and have asked us all to contribute money towards the cost of the house so that PIL's aren't footing the bill.

My opinion is that BIL and his family are grown ups. It's their choice to come back and they should be footing the bill.
We payed a lot of money to go over to them last year for their wedding and no one contributed to our costs.

We also are not in the best position to be helping them out as we paid out for our own wedding this year and my job is very much on rocky ground at the moment.

This sort of thing drives me up the wall an makes me want to call MIL and explain what all her sons are thinking of doing.
It doesn't feel like it should have been my business at all, but they made it my business when it will affect me financially.

BIL and his family are perfectly well off too, much more than we are, so I feel very annoyed by being asked.


honeytea Wed 24-Oct-12 12:50:18

Yanbu how ridiculous that you should be expected to subsidise their holiday.

SugariceAndScary Wed 24-Oct-12 12:52:44

Say no to paying anything towards the cost and don't back down under any circumstances!

How rude, cheeky sods.

Procrasstinator Wed 24-Oct-12 12:56:10

just say no

dont just 'feel' like calling MiL do it!!

what does your dh think/say?

Beaverfeaver Wed 24-Oct-12 12:57:06

Pils don't know that we have been asked by the UK BIL's to contribute.

Would you tell them? I suppose it would just cause friction

Boomerwang Wed 24-Oct-12 12:59:37

It's barmy. They're damn cheeky. Tell 'em where to get off.

amidaiwish Wed 24-Oct-12 13:01:28

it's your ILs right? So tell your dh to sort it out. Honestly let him sort out his own family and you look after yours.
and no, YANBU.
the BIL abroad may not even be aware of any of this by the way, what do you think they will say? If they are comfortably off they probably won't hear anything of it and you may be reacting prematurely.

LIZS Wed 24-Oct-12 13:01:41

yes drop it into conversation along the lines of "sorry we aren't gping to be in a postiion to contribute ..." as if BIL will have already mentioned it to them, or offer whatever you might otherwise have spent on gifts for them - their choice.

Beaverfeaver Wed 24-Oct-12 13:01:44

DH hasn't responded to the email yet. He doesn't want to get involved with things like this and is annoyed we have been asked. He agrees we shouldn't but is scared of telling his DB's that we don't think any of us should contribute of the fear of being told that he is selfish.

He doesn't know how to respond. DH is youngest of 4 brothers and I have often felt he is controlled/slightly bullied into things like this.

Rest of the time all the BIL's are loveley and they are a very close caring family

Beaverfeaver Wed 24-Oct-12 13:03:18

I don't think BIL abroad is aware that we have been asked. I don't think he would nessecarily want it either.

But I doubt he will find out if he expects pils to pay for it anyway.

amidaiwish Wed 24-Oct-12 13:03:43

well don't offer
if asked outright just say "sorry would love to help but we're not in a position to at the moment"
and leave it at that...
it's not about right/wrong, fair/unfair. Try not to get too involved.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 24-Oct-12 13:04:02

Tell him to say you can't afford it.

Inertia Wed 24-Oct-12 13:04:59

Of course Yanbu. Your PIL and BIL can sort it out between themselves. Not your problem.

If BIL didn't agree to pay for it then PIL shouldn't have booked it.

HeinousHecate Wed 24-Oct-12 13:05:33

Just say no and suggest that if they think they won't pay for it, tell them that they need the money in order to book it, or they won't have anywhere to stay when they're here.

If your PIL are going to stump up some cash when they believe it won't be repaid to them, that's their problem. They shouldn't try to get you to reduce their cost. They need to be assertive to the people who should be paying!

Inertia Wed 24-Oct-12 13:06:11

If you think DH will be bullied into paying, tell them all no yourself.

HeinousHecate Wed 24-Oct-12 13:06:39

Oh, x-post.

yes, I would tell them that I'd been asked to contribute. And say sorry, that simply isn't possible.

Beaverfeaver Wed 24-Oct-12 13:06:51

DH is quite proud and doesn't talk about private financial matters, so wouldn't want to tell them we couldn't afford it.

He will also worry that if he says no, he will be the only one not contributing and therefore seen as the 'cheapskate' forever more.

sheeplikessleep Wed 24-Oct-12 13:07:34

Agree with others. Say you aren't in a position to afford it, and lie as you're still paying off the credit card for when you visited them last year

DontmindifIdo Wed 24-Oct-12 13:08:18

I would e-mail back to UK BIL, ccing in overseasBIL saying "hi [UK BIL], sorry but we can't afford to contribute to this. [overseas BIL] really hope we can see you when you're over."

then stand back and see what happens (disclaimer, in a bad mood today, I might not be giving the best advice)

Beaverfeaver Wed 24-Oct-12 13:08:32

Heinous - this exactly my opinion.
If Pils happy to book a place for them to stay and either get the money back for it or not, then that's their decision

DontmindifIdo Wed 24-Oct-12 13:09:47

Oh, seen your last message, tell your DH there's no shame in the fact he earns less than BIL and BIL must be aware that your DH doesn't earn as much. Make it clear you wo'nt allow family money you don't have to be spent in order to make your DH feel a bit 'bigger' with his DBs.

HeinousHecate Wed 24-Oct-12 13:09:58

So what if he is? Being thought of as a cheapskate is not the end of the world. Particularly when the reality is that you aren't, you're just not a mug.

you know the truth, he knows the truth, other people can think what they like.

It's best to be assertive and let people deal with that how they choose to. You can't do stuff you don't want to / can't afford to because you worry what people will think of you!

Beaverfeaver Wed 24-Oct-12 13:10:22

Don'tmindifido - this is v.v.tempting. Fancy copying pils in too!

I love this family so much, but sometimes I can see myself just completely running away from the lot of them.

My family wouldn't dream of this

DontmindifIdo Wed 24-Oct-12 13:13:12

BTW - has anyone actually asked overseas BIL if he wants to book this house??? I mean, is he and his DW just being told where to stay and then being asked to pay for it, without having the choice of deciding what their budget is, if they'd rather go selfcatering or in a hotel etc. I can see why if PIL have just booked it without checking if overseas BIL can afford it, they now might be in the situation of "not getting the money back" because they've picked something overseas BIL can't afford. Is this an exercise in damage control by UK BIL?

Blu Wed 24-Oct-12 13:19:51

Would your DH send a calm breezy reply to the extent of 'isn't it best if we stick to the principle of each paying for the trips we make? Following the example of us paying for our trip to their wedding last year? Also we hadn't actually budgetted for this, and I wasn't aware that BIL was in difficulties? We'll make sure we have a bottle of champagne to welcome them, se.e you soon XX"

I don't think you should tell MIL (and why not PIL? ). It isn't your place, it will be seen as stirring. It is only for you and your DH to say yes or no to the requests you have received. And MIL can also say yes or no to her son as she sees fit, and if she can't say no then that's her lookout.

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