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To not get why a vaginal birth is so important to some people?

(541 Posts)
Liketochat1 Wed 24-Oct-12 11:42:13

Some mothers talk of the trauma and disappointment of not giving birth vaginally. Some say they don't feel like a proper woman or that their body failed them. For many this sounds very traumatic, for others moaning.
AIBU to not 'get' why this is so important to them? I've had 2 c sections and was only intensely grateful that I live in a country and in an age where there are gifted surgeons and resources available to perform these life saving operations. In other parts of the world women are dying in childbirth as they don't have access to these.
Am I so unreasonable to think this?

NellyBluth Wed 24-Oct-12 11:47:00

YAB a little U, but only because what is important to one person is not important to another. I'm like you, I have had one emcs and will be fighting tooth and nail for an elcs next time. I have no desire to have a VB and certainly don't feel like less of a woman for not having one.

But if it is important for another woman, I can see how they can be so upset that it didn't happen. I didn't get to see my baby for 11 hours as she was whisked off to NICU. Other women would not be too upset about this, they would just be happy that the baby was healthy in the long run, but for me it is taking quite a long time to be at one with this fact. So I can see how not having a VB could be just as upsetting.

However, of course YANBU to be grateful we will in a country where c-sections are so available and so many mums and babies survive because of them.

catgirl1976 Wed 24-Oct-12 11:47:09

I don't get it personally but perhaps I would feel differently if I had had to hhave a c section

I didn;t want one due to it being a major op and a long recovery

I was prepped for an emcs but they managed to get DS out with forceps just in time. I was just glad he was safe and well as he had been in distress so I didn't mind how they got him out at that point.

MyLastDuchess Wed 24-Oct-12 11:49:26

Everybody is different. Life would be pretty boring if we were all the same!

Nottigermum Wed 24-Oct-12 11:51:50

This is a very controversial subject and as we are talking about very deep feelings, I think we will see many comments that might bring back some painful memories and it might not be a very objective thread.

I have had 2 c sections, and like you, I have not felt that I have missed out on anything. However, I wanted two natural births (I had full labour except the pushing part both times, but needed c sections both times at the last moment for life saving reasons).

I do not feel that c sections are easier, or a cop out, in my case and experience and many people I speak to they are a life saving or prevention of complication situation iyswim.

However, I do feel very sad that I didn't give birth naturally, I can't explain why, but when I hear of beautiful birth stories I do feel very upset. It's a deep down feeling and very hard to explain. I didn't see my babies being born, I could hold them right after birth (both times they were taken away to resus). I didn't see them covered in yuck, I don't know what they looked like when they came out, I was not holding them when they had their first cry, a doctor was.

Don't get me wrong, I am very very grateful that I have two beautiful and healthy children. I don't have any regrets as such. But if I'd have a magic wand I'd want to have two natural births.

snickers251 Wed 24-Oct-12 11:52:22

I felt I cheated cause I had an epidural despite a vaginal birth lol

2nd time round, I really couldn't care less! If I ended up a csec then perhaps my bits won't be so sore grin

AMumInScotland Wed 24-Oct-12 11:53:07

I'm sure these women are also grateful that they and their child have survived. But they can still feel unhappy about the circumstances, can't they?

I hoped for a natural birth, with minimal intervention. I believed that it was possible, and when it didn't happen (not a cs, just drips and monitors and being flat on a bed and ending up with forceps) I was unhappy and disappointed and felt that I should have been able to do what women all through history and all over the world seem to manage, giving birth. Maybe with support and assistance, but without someone else having to do a major part of the task for me.

Without intervention, DS wouldn't have made it, and I'm massively grateful that I live in a time and place where his birth was the start of his life rather than the end of it.

But the circumstances were traumatic, and it took a lot of getting over.

I'm glad it wasn't like that for you. But I hope you manage to be caring and sympathetic when women tell you that it was different for them, even if you do think some of them are just moaning.

Mrsjay Wed 24-Oct-12 11:53:32

I was prepped for a c section with both mine but did give birth to them the usual way I think women think that they should be able to give birth the 'right' way personally I don't get it, I had babies a long time ago do they still talk about natural childbirth ? i think the word 'natural' has a lot to do with it, I do feel for women when they are disappointed at not having the birth they wanted, I do think woman should just go with the flow and see what happens

GhostShip Wed 24-Oct-12 11:54:14


You might not understand it, but shouldn't question why some women feel this way. I know I'd be really disappointed if I couldn't have a natural. It's just an experience I'd like to have.

I know its not a big thing in the grand scheme of things, as long as me and my baby are safe, but I would like to have a chance.

gordyslovesheep Wed 24-Oct-12 11:54:45

My one vaginal birth was horrendous and I almost lost dd2 ...I am glad I had 2 sections ...however, as with all things some women feel differently

I think the emphasis on natural birth can make some people feel like the failed

Mrsjay Wed 24-Oct-12 11:55:53

many many women and babies died in childbirth through history as the intervention wasn't there for them I do think some women can forget that but you can't say for sure as we all have different feelings about childbirth

catgirl1976 Wed 24-Oct-12 11:56:03

I do wish sometimes I had had the lovely calm waterbirth I had imagined in my head. I don't really remember the details of what actually happened which is probably a good thing. Birth can be very traumatic and although I don't "get" it I can understand why people may feel that way about CSs

Shellywelly1973 Wed 24-Oct-12 11:56:34

Its like everything else in life...personal perspective!

Similar to the bf /ff debate. What's an issue for one person,isn't an issue for another.

Ultimately a healthy baby&healthy mother are the most important thing but we all have our own personal points of view as to how we would ideally like to experience a deeply personal event.

shellshock7 Wed 24-Oct-12 11:56:54

I've come to the conclusion that most women feel some sort of guilt around their births...I had a horrendous labour which ended up in theatre for forceps and I was so upset about the whole thing for weeks after. With a bit of distance I suppose I do still feel like a failure as I couldn't 'give birth' on my own....but the labour was so awful I would chew my arm off for a CS next time grin doesn't work like that unfortunately!

Startailoforangeandgold Wed 24-Oct-12 11:57:25

For me recovering from major surgery, the risk of infection, not being able to drive and the long term weakling of my abdominal muscles, was not how I wanted to welcome my DDs to the World.

CS are brilliant life saving operations, but I feel far to many are performed as a result of the whole interventionist style of hospital births.

autumnlights12 Wed 24-Oct-12 11:57:43

I wanted to know what giving birth feels like. Had an epidural with dd1 and natural deliveries with dd2 and dd3. I'm very glad that I experienced the need to push and the experience of pushing them out (even had a look down as the head crowned!) but it's a personal thing and obviously the most important thing was a happy healthy outcome.

SoupDragon Wed 24-Oct-12 11:57:45

YABU because it really is none of your business to judge other women for how they feel.

AlphaBeta82 Wed 24-Oct-12 11:58:22

I get it, and it is a very personal thing for each woman. I had a vaginal delivery first time around and am being threatened with a c-section this time. I desperately do not want a c-section as i do feel birth is an important process for me to go through as being a mother. My biggest fear is not being able to BF if c-section as it can be so much harder for your body to catch up on what is going on.

It is a really personal thing so yes I think you are being a little unreasonable if you think all women should feel the same as you do. Of course, without doubt i would have a c-section if I needed one, but it would never be a choice I'd make unless I had too.

Mrsjay Wed 24-Oct-12 11:58:55

and my 'natural' birth were not exactly an experience I want to remember it wasn't great but drugs did help though grin

GhostShip Wed 24-Oct-12 11:59:26

AlphaBeta why are they threatening you with c-section?

Its your choice.

mignonette Wed 24-Oct-12 12:01:18

When you read about the charities struggling to raise money for fistula surgery for some African women, we forget how 'luxurious' it is to have as our major concern, whether we are psychologically and emotionally satisfied 'enough' by our birth experiences.

I had two CS's- they rocked for me. And left with a nice pristine pelvic floor. I'm very lucky and I know it.

Vagndidit Wed 24-Oct-12 12:02:07

The culture here is very much one which trumpets "natural" and dismisses "medical" as unnecessary and intervening with nature (hence the reason why so many recoil in terror when they watch U.S. based birthing shows...) So when a woman's attempt at a vaginal birth ends in a c-section it's no wonder she is so bummed by it. It's not what society dictates as "natural" (read: normal)

Woozley Wed 24-Oct-12 12:02:27

A lot of pf damage happens in pregnancy though, not as a result of the birth.

Mrsjay Wed 24-Oct-12 12:03:38

I agree with you Vag and Mig you are right we have the luxury of fretting about this,

mignonette Wed 24-Oct-12 12:03:50

Alpha - I breastfed both my children for 18 months each after CS each time. The quality of the support is more of an indicator of success than the actual operation. Contact La Leche or a breastfeeding support org. I was surrounded by women both times, many of them struggling to feed and many of them vaginally delivered so please don't buy into the scare stories about CS and BFing.

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