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AIBU or is he? Work/housework etc row

(46 Posts)
newmummytobe79 Wed 24-Oct-12 09:21:45

I’d like a bit of perspective on this please. I know we’re both tired and baby not sleeping isn’t helping, but I just feel that all my husband does at the moment is insult me. Yes I was p*ssed off that our baby was up again last night, but I just wanted a discussion about whether we should make baby stay in cot and cry it out or come in with us. This turned into a fight about work!

I’ve just gone back part-time and it’s been a bit of a shock to the system but I’m really enjoying it. He said something along the lines of ‘oh just because you have to get up for work – I’ve not stopped working!’ as if I’ve sat on my arse for the last how many months.

He knows our child isn’t the easiest and in the past has admitted that there is no way on earth he could cope being at home with baby every day. It then escalates into a row about how ‘of course you can still do all the housework on your days off ... (and here’s the corker that drove me bonkers!) ... because that’s the woman’s job!!! I was fuming! I do all the cleaning and washing etc and I’m knackered. I just said I’d maybe like a bit of help! I’d like to take my baby out on my days off but always feel there is something to be done in the house (and it never seems to look any tidier!).

In the light of day, I’m not as angry as I was at 2am, but his words and sexist pig opinions have really hurt. I just feel he sees me as ‘the woman at home’ when in reality my maternity pay paid half the mortgage and so will the pay from my part-time job so I’m hardly a kept woman , shopping and lunching every day!

Is he being unreasonable or am I?

TiAAAAARGHo Wed 24-Oct-12 09:31:42

So he currently sees you as a cleaning appliance with a vagina attached then? Sorry to be crude but that's what is coming across. You paid your way while on maternity, but he's done the very common thing of discounting all your input.

Options include:

1. Invoice him for all the cleaning you do. Tell him that if he treats you like a staff member, you'll act like one.
2. As soon as possible, go on holiday for a week leaving him to look after the baby.

And always, always, always, pull him up on his comments, tell him that he clearly has no idea of the amount of work involved in running a house plus childcare, and tell him to shape up.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 24-Oct-12 09:36:42

Everything he is saying has pissed me off but the woman's job thing makes me murderous. You could tell me his arse is made of gold and my reaction to him would still me "oh fuck off you cunt!"

Why on earth did you have a baby with a man who believes that? He won't suddenly change his mind. This is what you are stuck with, a fucking cave man! hmm

If i suddenly realised my bloke had those beliefs i would be instantly figuring out the details of the divorce.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 24-Oct-12 09:38:45

You're making a mistake by asking for help. He shouldn't be doing you a favour, he should be doing his share.

But like i said there is no point explaining that to him. His beliefs are ingrained. Bet his mummy did everything for him hmm

tomverlaine Wed 24-Oct-12 09:40:38

To be honest - and its based on work load/hours rather than gender- i think if you are working parttime you should be doing the housework - it is all very well saying that you want to play with your baby but someone has to do the housework. The alternative is that he works full time during the week and then he (or both of you) do the cleaning at the weekend- and this isn't fair as you have had spare time and he hasn't.

From the sounds of it he thinks that you now have a different view on getting up in the night with the baby now that you have to get up (and realise how hard it is with a disturbed nights sleep) and he is saying that he has always had to do this?

outtolunchagain Wed 24-Oct-12 09:45:36

What spare time , she is looking after the baby , that's not spare time .

expatinscotland Wed 24-Oct-12 09:47:13

Life is too short to spend with anyone who thinks he or she doesn't have to do their fair share. If they chose to have children, their fair share can be expected to increase. It is not helping, it is one's fair share.

You need to have a serious talk with this person.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 24-Oct-12 09:51:56

Tomverlaine. shock "want to play with the baby"?!

Perhaps op you should just stick the baby in the corner crying all day while you clean up after your hardworking man hmm

And how the hell is looking after a baby spare time?! There is absolutely no way that you are either a parent or have been a sahp tom. Absolutely no way! Either that or you've been transported from the 1950s!

Annakin31 Wed 24-Oct-12 09:54:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annakin31 Wed 24-Oct-12 09:56:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annakin31 Wed 24-Oct-12 09:57:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tuttutitlookslikerain Wed 24-Oct-12 09:58:43

On your days off you should do some of the house work, but not fecking all of it. There are 2 days at the weekend where he should be pitching in and helping.

Tuttutitlookslikerain Wed 24-Oct-12 10:00:06

I cared properly for both my babies and did all the fucking housework in my house!hmm

BeingBooyhoo Wed 24-Oct-12 10:05:30

"The alternative is that he works full time during the week and then he (or both of you) do the cleaning at the weekend- and this isn't fair as you have had spare time and he hasn't."

spare time? what, inbetween nappies, feeds, changing, settling, entertaining, cooking for, and tidying for baby? spare time is time without anything to do. if you have sole care of a baby you are not experiencing spare time. if that was the case the first 3 years of my son's life was spare time for me.

Annakin31 Wed 24-Oct-12 10:05:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catgirl1976 Wed 24-Oct-12 10:09:02

Get a cleaner. Best thing I ever did.

But outside of that, your DH is being a twunt.

Looking after a baby is hard work. And as for the "womans work" comment.............

angry

tomverlaine Wed 24-Oct-12 10:09:25

For F&cks sake- its all about getting a balance. Maybe some people do find it harder to look after the baby full time rather than work but the implication from the OP is she was finding it harder because she is back of work

I may not be a SAHP currently but at the weekend I both look after my child and do household tasks- it doesn't stop me doing stimulating things

Hullygully Wed 24-Oct-12 10:10:16

kill him

he is vile

KellyElly Wed 24-Oct-12 10:11:49

Do you really need to ask if he's being unreasonable?! He is being completely unreasonable!!

To be honest - and its based on work load/hours rather than gender- i think if you are working parttime you should be doing the housework - it is all very well saying that you want to play with your baby but someone has to do the housework. The alternative is that he works full time during the week and then he (or both of you) do the cleaning at the weekend- and this isn't fair as you have had spare time and he hasn't. << are you the husband. What the actual fuck sort of comment is that to make. If you are a woman you should be ashamed. If you work, contribute financially and do the lions share of the child care (yes child care, not 'playing' as you put it) then the housework is shared. I find your 1950's views insulting in this day and age!

catgirl1976 Wed 24-Oct-12 10:12:07

Well if you can manage to work and look after your child, do stimulating tasks and household tasks at the weekend tomverlaine there is no reason the OPs DH can't either, is there?

DameFannyGallopsAtaGhost Wed 24-Oct-12 10:16:14

What hully said grin

Although if someone else comes on with a reasoned and practical approach I'll copy them too

By the way - have you got the finances sorted so you have equal spending money? Or is he expecting you to put in half still?

Oh, and remind him how much paid child care costs - which you're providing for free

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 24-Oct-12 10:18:48

Tom. So you clean the bathroom, do all the ironing, hoovering, make the meals etc at the same time as looking after a baby and making sure said baby gets attention do you? Likely.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 24-Oct-12 10:19:07

That was sarcasm by the way.

BobblyGussets Wed 24-Oct-12 10:21:24

You left off the last bit Hully: dissolve his body in acid afterwards so no-one finds out.

samandi Wed 24-Oct-12 10:21:52

because that’s the woman’s job

And these viewpoints have only come to light since you got pregnant?

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