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To want to spend some quality mother - daughter time alone with my Mum?

(14 Posts)
Snowflake2012 Wed 24-Oct-12 09:21:33

My Mum refuses to do anything without my Dad. As a result I never get to spend any mother - daughter time alone with her. This means although we get on really well I don't ever talk to her about personal issues as I never see her without my Dad being present and I wouldn't really talk about girly stuff / relationships etc with my Dad present as I just wouldn't feel comfortable. So I never open up to my Mum and share things I would like to share with her for example when I wAs going through a break up last year. I feel my relationship with Mum is not as strong as it could be.

I do want to spend time with my Dad too of course, but I just think sometimes it would be nice to just be me and Mum.

Sadly We live over 200 miles apart so it is not as though I could just pop round for a cup of tea when Dad is out. I have invited Mum to come and stay or just come for a day trip if she prefers but she always declines. I think the issues are twofold - first she "doesn't know what Dad would say" about us girls going off and spending time together and secondly I think she is nervous about travelling 200 miles on her own to see me. I have offered to meet her from the station, meet her halfway, pay for her train ticket, or go to her local town etc but to no avail.

She did not even come for my sister in law's hen do which was being held in the city where I live For the above reasons. Again I had offered to meet her from the train, put her back on the train at the end of the day but she still refused to come.

As well as the effect on our relationship I also worry about her lack of independence and how this might affect her if she outlives my Dad.

Aibu and wwyd?

OhTheConfusion Wed 24-Oct-12 09:42:01

Have you considered organising a surprise for her and getting your dad to help lure her in? (that sounds way more stalker like than I mean!).

Like a girly afternoon tea in her nearest town... speak to your dad and ask if he would mind helping you out by asking her to get ready to go somewhere with him then you turn up and collect her instead?!?

Also could you talk to her about more personal things over the phone?

Paiviaso Wed 24-Oct-12 09:52:20

I don't know what your family dynamic is like, but it seems a bit rude to invite one parent to visit but not the other? I don't know if this has anything to do with her behaviour.

Phone really does seem the best option for confiding in her in your situation.

SausageSmuggler Wed 24-Oct-12 10:40:40

Have you spoken to your dad about this? It maybe that he would like some time to himself too.

Sokmonsta Wed 24-Oct-12 14:35:11

I want to spend time alone with my mum too, without my dad or grown sister and her kids monopolising everything. We're only 10 minutes away so try and do lunch once a week. I used to go round on my dad's day off so I could see him and he could see the grand kids but he'd moan my kids were making a noise, or mum would be constantly running round after him while he sat at his computer. Now I go round a different day because I can. Much easier. Maybe just go up and see her, don't give her a choice and go out for lunch.

Snowflake2012 Wed 24-Oct-12 17:52:02

, I do invite both my parents to stay often, I am just saying that sometimes It would be nice just to be Mum and I. We often go for dinner etc as a whole family so it's not as though my Dad is being excluded. I would just like occasionally to do something like shopping of lunch or spa with my Mum but she just gets too worried what my Dad will think about us doing things without him. Also worried that one day if my Dad is no longer around my Mum won't have the confidence to do things on her own.

Jossysgiants Wed 24-Oct-12 19:05:24

Snowflake I have exactly this with my mum- I pushed and pushed and eventually when I was living in the Us she came to visit me <gasp> by herself for 2 weeks. However, it was very difficult to get her to do this - months of full on persuasion. It was a great trip -and my Dad did survive. It remains a strange dynamic though - they are joined at the hip and it does hamper our relationship so I sympathise. No advice really, but I found I had to use a bit of emotional blackmail - which was really genuine hurt on my behalf - to try and get a bit of mum and daughter time going.

Euphemia Wed 24-Oct-12 19:16:16

YANBU - it's similar with my mum!

Problem is my dad! He's very childish sometimes and gets huffy if he's excluded from something.

It's my mum's 70th soon, and I would lovet to dosomething with just her; she's had a hellish few years looking after her mother until she died a year ago, and looking after my dad for the past two years during his cancer treatment.

But my dad would get all humphy if I tried!

sittinginthesun Wed 24-Oct-12 19:20:34

I used to have this, and eventually gave up. I just accepted that I was never going to have the mother/daughter relationship that some of my friends seem to have.

Then my Dad died - I now see mum on her own, and actually see more of her, but we still don't do the shopping, spa, chatting thing. We tried to go in holiday but it didn't really work (wound my DH up too much), and she's not happy about me leaving the children to go away with her.

I am actually quite sad about it, but it's just one of those things.

halloweeneyqueeney Wed 24-Oct-12 19:28:37

I don't really understand, your relationship with her is what it is, it won't morph into a "girls spa trips" type mother and daugher relationship if its not that already just by adding in time when you're alone.. it'll be exactly the same relationship.. just you'll be alone together

I always have, and still do, spent A LOT of time alone with my mother, but we don't have girly chats, I don't talk to her about personal girls stuff. We talk in the same way that we do when there are others present

If you waste too much time craving a relationship you don't have with your mum then you'll be missing out on what you do have

and I see her point about what would your dad think TBH, if DS only saw me at family things, and ONLY wanted to see his dad, not me, for extra 1:1 time, I think that would pinch a little! It'd be different if you were asking for father-daugher days too

julieann42 Wed 24-Oct-12 19:46:44

YANBU, to get my mum on her own I got her to come Christmas shopping me and we told my dad we were buying his present so he couldn't come along!! Maybe you need to do something similar!

fedupofnamechanging Wed 24-Oct-12 20:12:10

My mil is a bit like this. We never see her unless she has her partner in tow. He seems like a nice man, but he is not my dh's dad and has only been around for the last few years and I think that periodically dh would like to see his mum without her new fella being there.

I think you should talk to your dad and tell him that you would like to take your mum for a girlie spa day or something. He won't feel excluded by that, because it isn't a man's activity, really.

LittleMissFlustered Wed 24-Oct-12 20:24:30

My dad hates my mum going anywhere on her own. He's paranoid she will leave him. They're in their mid-sixties. I don't just mean socialising, I mean even basic stuff like going to the shop or the doctors.

She has recently been on a 24 hour trip with friends, and it is the first time in years she has done anything like this. I dread to think how much of a sulk he was in. I don't think it is healthy for either of them, but what do I know eh? sad

IvorHughJackolantern Wed 24-Oct-12 20:26:47

YANBU, up until I had DS and was poorly for a while, and she came to stay, alone, I hadn't had time with just my mum for ten years. My step father was always there. He's nice and we get on but mum is different away from him and we're different when it's just us. It was lovely seeing her on her own.

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