To not *always* want to go to bed at the same time

[lurkingman]

As my name suggests, I'm a man, but I don't know whether I, or DP, is being unreasonable in ALWAYS wanting us to go bed at the same time.
Sometimes, there's work I feel I need to do, or a hobby-passion I want to get sorted. Very occasionally, it's even just I'd like to watch TV or read.
But DP absolutely insists on going to bed together every night. Even then, I've tried offering to go to bed when she does, have a cuddle (and..) then get up when she's drifted off.
However, anything other than same bedtime results in seriously negative outcomes.
AIBU?

[2blessed2bstressed]

What happens if you decide you want an early night? Does your dp immediately stop whatever they're doing, and get up for bed too?

[WorraLiberty]

YANBU it sounds a bit suffocating.

[Hyperballad]

Hmmm I have a bit of this with my DP, annoying isn't it!

( no advice :) )

[lurkingman]

I think it'd be fair to say that I don't think I'd be allowed, except if v poorly or v v tired. And then it could go either way.

[UltraBOF]

What is the hobby/passion?

[Alisvolatpropiis]

At the same time every night? I was about 10 years old last time I had an enforced bedtime! YANBU!

[BunnyLeBOOwski]

It's needy and/or controlling behaviour on her part.

Why the hell would being in a relationship with someone mean your body clocks synchronise??

DP will sometimes stay up to play an online game with his geeky mate. I'll often send him to bed so I can watch Mad Men in peace.

I got out of bed a few weeks ago because I remembered that a doc I wanted to watch was on.

DP left me

Oh no hang on. He didn't. Because he's a sane human being, not a neurotic wretch..

[Hyperballad]

'I don't think I'd be allowed'

!!!!!!

Oh dear, come on then you may as well give us the rest of the problems you have, fairly certain it won't just be this.

[lurkingman]

Embarrassingly, the hobby/passion is computer programming. It's something which is very hard to do when people are around, and very unpredictable in terms of how long it'll take to get a particular thing done. Plus when you're in the flow you don't want to give up just to hit a bedtime deadline. I know it sounds a bit geeky, but when you're into it, it's v much like creative writing.
BTW, I do love DP, just wish to sort this issue. It's v important to her, and I'd love to make her happy every night, but I just don't want to always give up what I'm doing.

[lurkingman]

Hyperballad - sorry that was jokey language and not meant to suggest anything else!

[solidgoldbrass]

Hmm. Maybe she is a smothering whinyarse. However: Are you regularly staying up till 4am playing with your toys and then being grumpy/late for work/skiving off your share of childcare in the morning? If so, it's not about you going to bed at the same time as her, it's about you not doing the teenager thing of staying awake to have fun and then being unfit for your duties the next day.

[WorraLiberty]

You don't have to be embarrassed about your hobby or being seen as 'geeky'.

What time does your DP usually go to bed?

[Hyperballad]

Oh phew!

Is she haunted from a period of time previously when you wouldn't ever go to bed with her because you were on the computer every night?

[lurkingman]

No - no such haunting. Usual bedtimes midnight-1am. I'm keen on 2-3, at least sometimes. Doesn't impair ability to get up and do normal stuff. Just don't need much sleep. Actually feel livelier without it.

[wtf1981]

Just to echo Bunny,really!

We often go to bed together but also do as we please! Bed time depends on what sort of evening you've both had and other things. Sometimes I'll have work to do or vice versa. Sometimes one of us will fancy bed at ten,another night I might want to go to bed at one after rubbish tv and wine. Am rambling a bit but,in my opinion,do whatever suits you both! :)

[UltraBOF]

I only asked in case it was some dodgy porn habit

Yes, it's fine to stay up to do whatever else- but it's obviously nicer to go to bed together most of the time, just because it feels closer. And sometimes it's hard to relax enough to fall asleep if you feel like you're waiting for the other person, IYSWIM?

Perhaps if you talked to her about it, and reassured her that you weren't avoiding being intimate? I don't know, it's a hard one. You are a free agent, but if it's stopping her sleeping because she is mentally waiting for you to get settled, I can see her point of view too.

[WorraLiberty]

I agree with wtf1981

It shouldn't be written in stone whatever you both decide to do.

[StrawberryTot]

YANBU!! I have been with my partner over 10 years and could probably count the amount of times we have gone to bed at the same time on 1 hand
My dp is a gamer so likes to play with his toys at night, I leave him to it and eventually he'll drag himself up after falling asleep mid way through a wave (game talk haha).
But in all honesty I think you need to hit the nail in the head, try talking to her if that doesn't work just tell your dp no, I'll be up shortly.

[StrawberryTot]

On not in the head!!

[WorraLiberty]

Bit of a violent over reaction there Strawberry

[StrawberryTot]

One wonders if it was a Freudian slip

[WorraLiberty]

I'll admit that was my first and second thought

[steppemum]

we don't always go to bed at same time. Sometimes dh works on his computer til early hours, sometimes I am sitting in lounge with laptop and mn watch a late film.
often one of us will say I am going to bed and other one will follow on.
Often after we are in bed dh puts light out and I read.

we do notice though that regular unsynchronised bedtimes can make us drift apart and can have an effect on our sex life, so we make an effort to both be in bed and awake often enough for that not to happen.

dh does get frustrated if I do lots of late nights as then I am more short tempered with kids, and he says that isn't fair and he is right.

I think she is being very insecure acctually. I would ask her why it matters to her, or what is wrong with being different. She may be afraid that you are looking at porn or something after she has gone up, or think you don't fancy her if you don't come up for a cuddle. talk about it, and reassure her that isn't the case, but don't feel bad about making a change. I would find this very suffocating.

[lurkingman]

thx for all advice. turns out mumsnet is better than sites for my gender.

[KitchenandJumble]

YANBU. My DH and I very rarely go to bed at the same time. He is a night owl, I'm an early bird. He likes to stay up and read or write or watch a film. I like to go to bed early. TBH, I actually prefer to have a half hour or hour to myself, reading in bed, and then drift off to sleep. When DH comes up to bed, he is very quiet, and I rarely wake up.