Is my mum being a knob or am i selfish??(69 Posts)
I have namechanged for this thread because the details will totally out me if anyone knows me in RL so if you recognise me from other threads please don't say! Its long but I don't want to dripfeed so I have tried to include all relevant info.
Background: My DD (9) does ballet on the weekend, and also has a class on a Monday evening. It is half term this week so she was off school yesterday.
I am 30 weeks pregnant and also have been very poorly the last few months with an unrelated illness so am incredibly tired at the moment although I would say I am recovering.
My lovely Dad a few years ago offered to pay for my DD's ballet classes as money was tight, and still does, although now only pays part of the bill- as she has advanced up the school her classes have become more expensive and extra classes have been required.
I pay for all these extra classes and for all ballet clothing/shoes/exam fees/any extra lessons she needs for exams etc. So my Dad pays for the basic ballet and tap classes she started off with at the age of 3 and I pay for the rest.
I am very appreciative of this however I did about six months ago suggest to my Dad that I take over paying for the whole lot as I feel we could manage it now. He declined, and said he was happy to pay. I said 'thank you very much, thats really kind', and we continued as before.
Now, yesterday, as DD was off school, obviously we were slightly out of routine, as normally she gets in from school, we have a quick tea, and leave straight away as ballet is around 20 minutes drive away from where we live.
Yesterday, I had been busy doing things around the house and tired myself out, and had to go up for a nap around 3pm, forgetting about ballet and not waking until 4.30 pm, which is when we normally have to leave for a class which is 5-6pm. When I woke I had to get some tea ready as DP was coming in at 5 and expecting me to have some tea ready for him to eat and leave straight away as he had to travel overnight for work, leaving at 5.30 pm.
For those who might say DP could get his own tea, he is not normally someone who expects me to have his tea on the table etc, and in fact on a Monday usually has to wait until fairly late for his tea as we are out at ballet, but this was an unusual situation and I had promised I would have some tea ready yesterday for him due to the tight timescale, and as he is coeliac it isn't easy for him to pick something up at a motorway service station or indeed to rely on being able to get something easily at his destination (around 4-5 hours drive).
DD did not go to ballet. However, she has been tired this week, and she is on half term, so she didn't actually notice and it wasn't mentioned. I made tea, we sat down and ate together as a family and then said goodbye to DP at 5.30 pm, we played a game of UNO and at *6 pm* DD went upstairs and got ready for bed without me asking (a sure sign she must be tired!!!!)
I lightheartedly texted my mum to tell her DD had got ready for bed at 6 as I found it amusing and thought she would also, and she replied with 'what happened to ballet?'
I replied 'We didn't go because I was asleep, didn't wake until 4.30pm and we had to have some tea! Oh well.'
I didn't explain any more than this but of course as a grown woman didn't think I had to justify my actions to my mother so assumed this would be sufficient, especially given the fact that she knows I have been struggling to cope with my illness and pregnancy combined, but have managed to get DD to dancing and other activities every other time.
I got a reply saying 'Hope you realise your dad isn't paying for any more dance lessons'.
Me- 'That's fine but why are you being funny about it? I'm ill not lazy!'
DM- 'If you had asked I would have taken her. The lessons have been paid for and she likes going'.
I tried to ring her at this point but she didn't answer phone. Now, my mum lives 20-30 minutes at least from me, so had I rung her at 4.30pm when I woke up, she would (even if she had left immediately), not have been at my house until the time the class had already started, so wouldn't arrive there until halfway through it.
My mum has been ignoring calls and texts since then so I have just left it, but I feel a little bit aggrieved that I seem to be in the doghouse as
a) I didn't intentionally miss the class, I would have left DP some tea ready to heat up if I had not forgotten the class was on and gone for a sleep.
b) my dad isn't actually paying for this Monday class anyway
c)she would have missed most of the class if I had rung my mum to get her (and not something it would have occurred to me to do anyway as it would seem a big 'ask' as she doesn't even live in the same town as us)
d) I have offered to pay for the entire bill and he has insisted, so I'm not bothered by having to pay for it but it just feels like it is a 'punishment' for being 'naughty'- leading onto my last point-
e) I AM 32 YEARS OLD
I know I should just let her get over it and let it wash over me but she has such form for this kind of thing, emotional blackmail, toxic parenting and all the rest of it and I fall for it EVERY TIME.
But this time I am wondering, is this just her up to her usual tricks and I am out of favour again (she will be bitching about me to one of my sisters I can guarantee). Or was I actually being unreasonable and a bit unfair on my DD to forget to set an alarm and get up in time to go? I feel like I have lost all perspective on this and maybe I am putting myself first when I should have just sucked it up and taken DD to ballet (having had nothing to eat since lunch) and DP sorted himself out?
She is being a knob...just let her get over it in her own time and yes, pay for the lessons yourself and then it is nothing to do with her if your DD doesn't go.
YWNBU so dont waste any more energy stewing about it.
Wishing you a speedy recovery
Perhaps it would have been better to tell her that your DD was too tired to go rather than that you'd been asleep and had to get tea.
I think it was quite selfish if its something your DD enjoys to not have taken her, regardless of whether or not you were/she was tired. If you had asked DD an she didn't want to go then fine.
It all seems to revolve around you having sleep.
I certainly don't think you are being unreasonable. Missing an odd class is no disaster and as you say she didn't even notice! If you are pregnant and tired and unwell then falling a sleep is completely understandable. You need help and support at this time rather than criticism or being made to feel guilty.
I would just leave her to call off she'll be back in touch when shes ready!
One missed lesson won't make much of a difference to your DD will it?
She didn't mind. You made your DP and your health your priority on this ocassion - seems sensible to me.
It's only one lesson, would that have been worth letting your DP down for and having a major stress over getting to it?
I'm so sorry that your DM is so difficult. Does the ballet 'represent' something for her/does she resent subsidising it/did your DF make the offer without consulting her? Whatever, try not to let her get to you. (Easier said than done).
If your DD had really really wanted to go I think she would have noticed the time and been upset at not getting to go.
You're only being unreasonable to spend so much time dwelling on it! Just let them know there's no need for your dad to pay for any more classes, tell your parents less about your daily doings, and live your life. I mean it sympathetically - I have parents who mess with my head every chance they get, so I'm making concerted efforts to give them fewer chances. Hope you feel better soon.
I agree Wiley, if I had realised and made a decision not to go, it would have been very selfish but I didnt actually remember about ballet until my mum text 'what happened to ballet!' I didn't realise that she would take personal offence to the situation which is why I just told the truth!!!
In my defence though, throughout the worst of my illness I have taken DD to ballet and swimming etc every single time necessary (DP has helped out when he has been around of course) - she hasnt missed any classes up to now at all even though I have been instructed to bed rest and have actually made myself more ill really by not completely resting as I do normally put her needs before mine.
Just ignore her stupid childish behaviour OP that sort of thing really gets my back up and yes you are a grown married woman and bollocks to her ! And I do not think it is selfish if you were too tired to take her, that is life and being a family is give and take .
Choccoluvva- perhaps you are right and she does resent my DF paying for the lessons (although if she does she has never said!). She is generally a bit like this anyway so I probably should have seen this coming.
Onwards and upwards- think I will take all the advice and pay for the lessons fully ourselves, and try not to let it bother me! It won't stop her having an opinion /telling me about it, but I suppose it will be one less stick to beat me with!
Bit harsh wiley - OP is ill & pregnant and overslept, she didn't deliberately not take her DD to ballet so she could sleep.
OP - your mum is being a knob, it was a one off. If you were doing it every other week then fair enough but everyone has a bad day from time to time.
I don't see that you have done anything wrong. You are 30 weeks pregnant, not feeling well and understandably tired. You slept in and were late for class. DD didn't notice that she wasn't going and was tired herself. The ballet police did not arrest you.
I'd leave it with your mum. You've explained the situation, not that you needed to, and she's taken umbridge for some reason. The problem lies with your mother, not you.
I'm in a similar situation at the moment with my mum and I've just dropped it. I'm not wasting any more mental energy on it and neither should you!
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and recovery, it's time to be a bit selfish and look after yourself.
Yes DD has still not mentioned it at all, so she can't be that bothered!
Sorry namechange didn't fully read the OP and see you said your mum has a history of this kind of thing. In which case I would just ignore! What does your Dad say? Presumably he is happy to keep paying and it's just your mum being awkward?
If I were you I would make life easier by either
A) taking over the payments (as you previously suggested) so your mother can't dictate to you about ballet
B) perhaps your mum could take DD every week? That way you could rest a bit without having to run around etc and your mum would be happy she was getting her money's worth!
english you are right! I lost momentum half way down the OP!
Thanks everyone- DP doesn't know she has kicked off about it as he is away and I don't want to bother him with it, but I know when I tell him he will say she WBU, but then he thinks she behaves outrageously to me in general and always takes my side so it gives me more perspective to see lots of outsiders saying it!
haha wiley- might suggest to my mum she can take her to get her moneys worth and see what she says
Not really <sighs>, would just fan the flames.
Is your mum generally quite controlling?
mum obviously has her own problems if she has to take you to task life this, in her defence she might have been having an off day but as you say she's known for this sort of thing, i'd let it wash over my if i was you, i would try calling again as a one off or send an email to bridge the void and open coversation, is it possible you could speak to your dad about it? don.t push out completely as you will need support once you've had baby, but having said that i wouldn't grovel or pander to her silly behaviour either, your sister is caught up in it too and probably just listens out of courtsey, could you talk to her?
Oh, what a shame OP!
I feel annoyed for you on your behalf about your mum. My MIL does this on a smaller scale and it's just horrible. If a friend treated you like that they wouldn't continue to be a friend.
You don't have to please your mum all the time.
I don't know about taking over the payments. Your DF offered, and is obviously keen to carry on doing it. He presumably gets pleasure from making this contribution to your DD's life. And he is not the one who is (quite unreasonably) telling you off about missing one class because you were tired and unwell and busy.
Your DM you say may well resent the money being spent, and has form for treating you this way. So don't let her get between you and your DF like this. It sounds a bit underhand. She will get what she wants (the money back, gets a dig at you), your DF will lose this opportunity to help and be involved with DD and you will lose out financially.
I say let things carry on as they are and ignore your mother. If your DF doesn't want to contribute any more, he'll tell you, won't he?
Yes, she is incredibly controlling!
I know my sister doesn't like getting caught up in it (as some of the time it is her on the other end) and neither does my dad, so I'll probably just leave it- I think if I start dragging others into it it risks turning it into a big deal. If i leave it and don't rise to it no doubt my mum will forget about it eventually.
It all seems to revolve around you having sleep.
Did you get the bit where the Op is 30 weeks pregnant and recovering from an illness?
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