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about my 'ex friends' children

(42 Posts)
Rugbycomet Tue 23-Oct-12 12:15:36

To cut a long story short......an old friend of mine and I have sort of fallen out, although I would be very happy to see her and chat. I don't think she want s to do that!! We used to see other about four times a week but since the disagreement, we have not seen each other for about five months now. It will be one of her children's birthdays and I used to spend around £30 ish on a present. As I have not seen her or her children I was going to post a card to him with some money in. This is not really my style but I have no idea what her child may be into now, toy wise, he will be 9. My immediate thought was to send £10 as a token gesture. Am I being unreasonable or should I still put in around £30?? Any help please?

Hemlet Tue 23-Oct-12 12:17:47

Honestly, if there's been no contact for 5 months I would maybe send a card but nothing else.
Can you say what the falling out was about? Was it something trivial that built up or a big thing?

SavoyCabbage Tue 23-Oct-12 12:21:41

I wouldn't send money or a voucher as she will be able to see exactly how much you have spent and can therefore be offended by it.

I would think hard about what you could get him. Something you can't have too much of like craft stuff or pajamas. Or something that has just come out on DVD or something so unusual he won't have it.

imnotmymum Tue 23-Oct-12 12:23:33

would this not be a good time to hand the olive branch?

Rugbycomet Tue 23-Oct-12 12:40:41

Believe me... I have tried with the olive branch. Last week she dropped my front door key though the letterbox with a note saying she didn't feel comfortable keeping it. I want to acknowledge her boys bd though as I have been quite a big part of their lives and don't feel it is fair to not 'give' him something. They are not deprived children and so although I would not normally give money or tokens, really feel this is the only thing to do but was wondering about the amount. I think he would like money as he can then maybe save it or spend it how he wishes

Thanks for the advice

DappyHays Tue 23-Oct-12 12:43:32

Nothing. She doesn't want to be your friend, you'll have to let her kids go too.

daisydoodoo Tue 23-Oct-12 12:43:32

i would send an item that can be posted through the door, or take a present round, don;t exepct to stay, just hand the parcel to the birthday boy, say happy birthday and leave.

Has she extended the same courtesy to your children? Maybe just a card would be more appropriate though?

izzywizzyisbizzy Tue 23-Oct-12 12:45:02

Leave it it smacks of desparatio

Paiviaso Tue 23-Oct-12 12:47:26

If you haven't seen each other for five months and aren't friends, then I don't understand why you would send her children gifts. She no longer wants you in her life from the sounds of it.

Sorry to sound harsh, I just don't think you should waste your time.

abbierhodes Tue 23-Oct-12 12:49:11

I wouldn't send anything. I'm in a similar situation. It broke my heart to let my friend's DD's birthday go by. But there's no sense in trying to maintain a relationship with the children if the adults don't have one.
I know how you feel though, OP.

Rugbycomet Tue 23-Oct-12 12:54:44

Daisy dodo...my children are young adults and have never really had a relationship with ex friend. She has a occasionally acknowledged their bds if they happen to be around.

I think that I will not so anything and not even send a card. Well, that's what I think now but who knows whether ill change my mind in an hour or two!

Rugbycomet Tue 23-Oct-12 12:55:26

Sorry...iPad doing its auto correct thing!! Sorry for mistakes to daisydoodoo.

pigletmania Tue 23-Oct-12 12:59:20

Yes I wouldn't send any present just a nice card

NotQuitePerfect Tue 23-Oct-12 13:02:35

Rugby I agree with abbierhodes. It hurts, but it is time to let go. Save your generosity for real friends.

RosemaryHoyt Tue 23-Oct-12 13:05:29

So desperate to know what you fell out about. But please, fgs, don't send anything, it is a bit weird, albeit well intentioned, to send gifts to ex friend's DC, almost more weird to send money actually, but don't send anything really. She gave back your key, sad though it is, it is a clear indication she doesn't want you in her or her children's lives. Move on.

Bongaloo Tue 23-Oct-12 13:05:58

I don't think you should send anything either.
Sorry

Campari Tue 23-Oct-12 13:12:12

Sorry to hear you've fallen out with your friend thanks

It really depends what you've fallen out over, if it was something big that can't be forgiven then you might have to accept your friendship is over and move on. If it was something trivial and you think theres still a chance to make up then I would send a birthday card anyway to show you still care?? I don't know the details so its difficult to judge what I would do tbh.

Unacceptable Tue 23-Oct-12 13:13:27

I continued to send cards to an ex friend and her children as an olive branch. Felt like a total fool when I was totally blanked. I imagine they went straight in the bin.
Think you are right to have changed your mind and decided to send nothing.
When relationships end it's easy as there are 'rules' or socially accepted norms, it's so hard when a friendship has ended to know how to behave.

SusanneLinder Tue 23-Oct-12 13:18:43

OP my sympathies.I have the same problem so was reading with interest. Except its my nephew and DH and BIL have fallen out.No chance of them making up as DH is stubborn and actually feeling rightly aggrieved, due to BIL being a complete arse on drink.

So I don't know what to do about his Birthday and Xmas sighs.

abbierhodes Tue 23-Oct-12 13:32:20

I don't think it matters what you fell out about, when someone sends you a clear sign I think you have to accept that.
My friend was moving house in the middle of our arguments, which means I now don't know where she lives. That saddens me a lot- feels like there's less chance of it 'blowing over' somehow.
It is a horrible situation OP, I hope it sorts itself out for you.

FellatioNelson Tue 23-Oct-12 13:34:52

If you have offered an olive branch and she has chosen not to accept it then I, in your shoes, would not be sending anything at all. It just sets you up for more hurt, when it's your birthday or Christmas and you get nothing at all, not even a card. She is making herself clear - the ball is in her court if she wants to change things in the future. Just back off and keep your dignity intact. The child will probably not even notice or remember that you have not sent a present.

drcrab Tue 23-Oct-12 13:40:05

I agree with most on here who've suggested not doing anything. I wouldn't either. Move on. I know it's difficult - I'm in a similar situation (friends who used to pop round at least once a week, babysit, we used to feed them meals, drive them around, go on dog walks etc, used to celebrate christmas together etc), in the span of under a year of moving across town, no longer see them, the husband has unfriended me (?! no reason) and we've received cards on birthdays (rather than presents).

if you must, just send a card - otherwise, just move on.

JollyGolightly Tue 23-Oct-12 13:46:05

I'm with the majority; if the friendship is over, there's no point pretending otherwise. An ex-friend of mine continued to send gifts for a while, I found it immature and desperate, and gave them away.

Loie159 Tue 23-Oct-12 13:57:35

tbh as others have said it will matter why you have fallen out OP...... If you had an affair with her DH for example, then sending the gift and or card would be cruel and very very weird.
However if the falling out is over a misunderstanding that may resolve even if it doesnt feel like it now then a card will be fine.
Also is your friend like this normally? Has she fallen out with others and then made up with them several months later? if that is the case would be a shame for her DC to not have a card from you over something that can / will be resolved in time.
Only you know what has happened and I think it comes down to - did you actually do anything wrong? if not then send a card and see if it can be a last attempt to regain the friendship. If the falling out was becuase of something bad that you did then you need to leave her alone.

Rugbycomet Tue 23-Oct-12 14:03:34

Thanks...tbh...I don't think we have really fallen out although we did discuss feelings way back in May. She just feels that we have grown apart, which I don't disagree with with the returned key, the note said she hoped that I if I ever desperate for help, then she hoped I would call on her. Tbh, I would not do that as that is one of the things that she mentioned when the shit hit the fan, that, she felt used. I think we probably both were needy. We are ex pats and she let me know her feelings by listing them all in an email. I felt this was inappropriate and when we met and spoke about the email, I told her so. She asked me to tell her what annoyed me about her etc and I just said that I really didn't want to go there! Tit for tat and all that is not my style. There have been a few emails sent from her in the meantime and in the note with the key from last week, she asked me to return her cat basket. I took it to her house and she wasn't in. Her FIL was and we chatted a bit and I asked him to talent her know that I had called. As soon as I got back home, I emailed her to let her know I was sorry to have missed her and that it would have been good to chat rather than fire emails and notes backwards and forwards. I have heard nothing. I have not returned her key as in the note she said it didn't bother her whether I kept it or not. I also don't want to come across as being petty by posting it through her letterbox! Sorry to ramble......

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