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To be fed up with friend too?

(27 Posts)
nonkybonk Tue 23-Oct-12 01:58:33

Friend's house for her birthday. Several of us although her husband had to work, and lunch cooked by one of us, who also happens to be an ex bf of mine. He fancies himself as a foodie/chef. She disappeared for a while and I went to find her in kitchen - she was talking to the cook -as I wanted to give her her pressie. Ex told me to fuck off as he needed kitchen to himself and when I didn't, mainly due to astonishment, he started screaming fuck off over and over and physically pushed me through door. Friend cowered with her back to us. Guests in other room were not impressed but didn't see what he did, only heard and there was lots of nervous laughter ....and the atmosphere never recovered, oddly enough.

Why didn't I walk out? Didn't want to make my friend feel bad. I must have been mad. She rang days later to apologise for this, and said she'd told him off. I told other mutual friends who are now not talking to him, and he resents this and is badmouthing me as he feels he was justified because I was in his way. In fact I was yards away from him and the stove. Although he is the evil doer here (always had a bad temper but never abused me before) I feel very angry with my woman friend for not throwing him out, and I don't really wanna go back to her house again. He's been there since, old friend of the family, open arms etc. They were friends before I came along, perhaps she feels more loyal to him.

Bessie123 Tue 23-Oct-12 02:06:41

You should get on with it, I reckon. He must know he behaved like a complete twat. What is being cross with your friend going to achieve? She probably felt uncomfortable and unsure of what to do, the same as you and she did apologise.

mynewpassion Tue 23-Oct-12 02:20:56

You are mad at the wrong person. Every right to be mad at your ex not your friend.

nonkybonk Tue 23-Oct-12 02:21:17

Dare say. Forgot to mention she is a counsellor at a well known national relationship guidance charity ...

mynewpassion Tue 23-Oct-12 02:30:07

Oh FGS, who cares what her occupation is. I am now wondering if you have a hidden agenda against the birthday friend. What are you going to do? Report her to her bosses.

ChasedByBees Tue 23-Oct-12 02:43:23

She was probably just as shocked as you. You should be mad at him.

INeedThatForkOff Tue 23-Oct-12 08:05:11

Any reason you felt a pressing need to find your friend when she 'disappeared'? Not trying to justify your ex's behaviour, but it sounds like you have a problem with her, not him. Why?

musicalendorphins Tue 23-Oct-12 08:11:24

Hmm. I would have left I think. Shocking behavior on his part.

CwtchesAndCuddles Tue 23-Oct-12 08:39:43

You say now that with hindsite you should have left but were in shock, your friend was probably the same.

Be mad at him but not at your friend.

CuriousMama Tue 23-Oct-12 08:43:02

Agree with the others I don't know why you're mad at her? And her occupation has nothing to do with it, she's still human.

GrimAndHumourless Tue 23-Oct-12 08:44:41

Don't be mad at your friend, she wasn't to blame

slartybartfast Tue 23-Oct-12 08:45:24

were you with ex for long?

slartybartfast Tue 23-Oct-12 08:46:42

as you say, she has known him longer than you, and he is a chef, <<bad tempered>>
it wasnt very nice for you, or anyone but he is her friend firstly.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Tue 23-Oct-12 09:20:06

If his behaviour bothers you that much, phone the police and report his assault on you. He pushed you and swore loudly and repeatedly at you, so tell the police and let them pay him a visit.
It wasn't your friend's fault, it was his, he was a twat and shouldn't be allowed to get away with it - what on earth would he do if someone actually got in his way or bumped into him? he sounds deranged.

expatinscotland Tue 23-Oct-12 09:25:54

I'd report him to the police.

And, as he's been back to hers since, I'd dump her.

Sorry, but I could NOT stay friends with a person who behaved in such a way, no matter how long I'd known them, and would not want to stay friends with someone who caved just to save face. I take violence very seriously, and he's violent.

expatinscotland Tue 23-Oct-12 09:26:55

And he's not a chef, he just fancies himself one.

Icelollycraving Tue 23-Oct-12 09:36:38

I think you are over reacting. Don't be cross with her,she has apologised. She wasn't the one shouting at you,she has tried to build bridges with you since. The added drip feed info about her job is entirely irrelevant.
Don't speak to your ex,but retain your friendship with this woman.

Nubbler Tue 23-Oct-12 14:35:49

YANBU I see why you resent her too. She is a coward. We are not all calm in a crisis but she should have thrown him out, and cosseted you with tea w lots of sugar. It's important to me that guests in my home are safe, which is one of many reasons why I don't invite or tolerate eg racist sexist or shouty gits. So I wouldn't have him back in the house no matter who was 'friends first' (are we in the school playground?).I can see why you mentioned her job: it's astonishing someone who presumably has training in violent relationship issues is so ineffectual and disloyal. I hope she doesn't advise her clients to offer hospitality to abusive men. Sounds like your other friends are more sensible. Stay friends with her if you want and see how it goes, but please don't go back to her house, ever, esp if he is likely to turn up there. And avoid him anywhere!

sooperdooper Tue 23-Oct-12 14:45:17

You're angry with the wrong person, she was most likely as much in shock as you were, you didn't leave, why should you expect her to act in a different way than you did?

He's the one to be angry at, I'd never speak to someone again after that - but don't be angry with her - she's apologised even though she had nothing to apologise for!

expatinscotland Tue 23-Oct-12 14:54:14

Exactly, Nub! I'd have shown him the door, or called the police. The shock doesn't last that long. Then he wouldn't be coming back through it again. Ever.

Sorry, but I'd dump your 'friend'. I wouldn't give the time of day to someone who'd presume to assault someone in my home.

Everlong Tue 23-Oct-12 15:07:53

I've read your OP and I'm trying to think what I would have done if someone was in my house cooking me a meal but started screaming at one of my friends.

I think, I'm 99% sure that I would have told him to get out. I cannot stand this kind of abuse.

Whether we'd been friends forever I still would not stand back and watch this happen and say nothing.

Awful for you.

SoleSource Tue 23-Oct-12 22:35:30

This ex bf felt threatened by your presence. His actions were totally abusive, hurtful, humiliating and designed to make it seem as if you goaded him in sone way.

Dump your friend. Leave her to him.

Sorry and was not your fault.

Report to police.

Jusfloatingby Wed 24-Oct-12 12:35:02

YANBU. Your friend should have dealt with the situation there and then, not left it several days to get back to you and apologise. How she could have just gone on with the dinner after that I can't understand. I would have been mortified and probably asked the 'chef' to leave.

Her occupation is relevant in that she is obviously trained to deal with emotive situations and relationships which have gone wrong and would be in a better position than most of us to introduce a bit of calm and diffuse the situation.

expatinscotland Wed 24-Oct-12 12:51:00

I'm shocked always by the casual attitude towards violence in the UK and N. America, as evinced by all these 'YABU' responses and how the OP's friend's occupation isn't relevant.

A guest in her house swore at another guest, over and over, and shoved the other guest, and the host did nothing but cower. Then accept this thug into her home again.

And people find this acceptable?

How warped.

cumfy Thu 25-Oct-12 14:19:25

So is your suspicion that they are interested in each other ?

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