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Aibu to think its not selfish & unfair of me to want to go back to work part time?

(64 Posts)
girlsyearapart Mon 22-Oct-12 18:36:09

I am a qualified teacher. Dh is a London taxi driver. I went on maternity leave to have dd1 who has just turned 5 and haven't been back to work since as we have had 3 more dcs since then. Youngest now ten months.

I really would like to go back to work part time - probably in September when the eldest two are at school and dd3 in the nursery where you can pay £10 for them to stay all afternoon if you wish.

Asked dh about it and said as his job is flexible I could go back to work two days a week either next September leaving him with ds and school run two days a week or following year once ds in nursery.

He has said no as 'why should I get all the choices?' either I work full time or not at all.

I am being unfair expecting him to work and look after the dc while 'I fanny about doing whatever I like' (going back to teaching!)
So his view is either I don't work at all, work full time (don't want to do that as wouldn't see the kids hardly at all) or if I work two days a week then he also gets two full days a week 'doing what he likes' then works Friday - Sunday therefore giving us no family time.

So am I being unfair? I have stayed at home pretty much being a single parent while he studied to become a London cabbie and still am while he works and is studying to get the next stage.

I was under the impression that things would change wrt family time/time for me to go back to work once he finished (in about 2 more years)

Seems I was wrong...

Is there anyone out there who can give me advice on how they make it work working part time?

Help as he is making me feel like I'm being a spoilt princess about it all and I really don't feel iabu

AThingInYourLife Mon 22-Oct-12 18:39:43

Your problem is that you are married to a wanker.

poorchurchmouse Mon 22-Oct-12 18:43:29

I rather agree with AThing. How can he equate going back to work part-time with "doing what you like"? I can't follow his reasoning (unless he's trying to control you financially and if you called his bluff it would turn out that he didn't want you to go back full-time either).

I suppose you could always say that he's welcome to have a couple of days "doing what he likes" provided that it brings in at least as much money as your two days working and he sorts childcare for those two days, and see where that gets you?

doinmummy Mon 22-Oct-12 18:43:30

What is ' the next stage' for your husband? He is BU by the way.

McHappyPants2012 Mon 22-Oct-12 18:43:56

wishes MN had a like button for AThingInYourLife post.

I am sorry but why should your career suffer because your husband. It takes 2 to have a baby and i would fear that your quilifaction are going to suffer for the sake of his

LonelyCloud Mon 22-Oct-12 18:44:40

Your proposals about part time working don't sound unreasonable at all.

I'm also a bit confused about this suggestion that you should go back full time - if school run /ds would be such a problem for him if you're working part-time, how is it less of a problem if you're full time?

emsyj Mon 22-Oct-12 18:45:01


That sounds really odd. Why does he think that you working 2 days is equivalent to him having 2 days of jolly time? I don't get it, I think you need to establish what his beef is.

At the moment I'm working FT and expecting DC2 early Feb. I've agreed with work that I will return on a phased basis probably next November 2 days a week, then the following end of January (when the next module of my training programme starts) I will go up to 4 days. DH has just dropped a half day a week, so ultimately I will be working 4 days and he will be working 4.5 days. On my day off and his half day off, we will have the DCs - this reduces our childcare costs and DH is keen to spend more time at home with DD and the new baby. As it happens, it makes very little difference to our net income for me to drop a day of work as the reduction in childcare costs and travel will more or less cancel out the money I lose (GPs have DD one day a week so we currently use childcare for 3.5 days, this will go down to 2.5 when I drop to 4 days of work).

Hope that makes sense. This is what seems to work for us. In terms of leisure time, DH likes cycling and running so he will often disappear off for an afternoon at weekends to do that - whereas I like going out drinking with friends in the evening so I do that. Perhaps your DH doesn't feel that he has an equal amount of leisure time?

Hassled Mon 22-Oct-12 18:47:17

So working bloody hard in a really demanding job and bringing some further income into the household (no idea what a cabbie earns but with 4 young DC I can't imagine you're rolling in money) is the same as - what, trainspotting? Watching the footie?

Short of leaving the bastard, your only option is to sort all childcare yourself and carry on with the PT option regardless.

FutTheShuckUp Mon 22-Oct-12 18:50:15

YABU comparing yourself to a single parents

FutTheShuckUp Mon 22-Oct-12 18:50:31


girlsyearapart Mon 22-Oct-12 18:50:39

Yes I have pointed out to him that he is being a wanker. He doesn't agree funnily enough...

We get tax credits which we would lose if I went back to work and I would probably earn roughly the same or a bit more.

The next stage of his cabbie ing means he would upgrade to being able to pick up in central London and heathrow airport whereas he has a surburban London licence now

PropertyNightmare Mon 22-Oct-12 18:50:44

Your husband is a woman hating twat. I would second, third and fourth the call to leave the bastard. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee. This isn't 1920.

PropertyNightmare Mon 22-Oct-12 18:51:10

Oh, and Yanbu!

girlsyearapart Mon 22-Oct-12 18:53:06

hassled yes that is my plan though it will probably mean waiting until all four dcs are at school and doing a swap with another mum re pick up on certain days

poorchurchmouse Mon 22-Oct-12 18:56:02

OP, I wouldn't wait - I'm not going to shout "leave the bastard" yet, but this screams a situation where you need to have your own money.

WofflingOn Mon 22-Oct-12 18:59:30

You could try presenting a logical argument to him, with the figures and times laid out, but it does seem as if he's fallen into the fallacy of many and sees teaching as being an easy job, equivalent to fannying around doing nothing much.
How long were you a FT teacher and in a relationship with him?
It sounds as if he resents the flexibility that you have to combine two roles that he hasn't had, and is being a PITA about it. How much has he resented working FT to support you all? How much of an involved parent is he, does he see being a SAHP as easy?
I hope you can reach a compromise.

doinmummy Mon 22-Oct-12 19:05:58

My OH is a London cabbie . I think the average time it takes to pass The Knowledge ( to be a London cabbie proper) is about 2 years and while yourDH is studying he will not be earning so it would be useful for you to go back to work .

Bossybritches22 Mon 22-Oct-12 19:08:55

Why should you "ask" him - & how come he gets to dictate?

Surely this was a discussion between two equals, two halves of a partnership working TOGETHER to make lives for yourselves as a family & juggle family/career pathways to benefit you both?


Well then your job is the least of your worries, sadly.

girlsyearapart Mon 22-Oct-12 19:12:30

Yes I do need to present the facts to him I am seeing my old colleague later this week and she can give me the low down on any vacancies and let me know what hours she does as she has recently gone back to our old school part time.

He knows exactly how hard it is as we were together while I was qualifying.

I think his main problem is that he doesn't like being pinned down to a timetable hence his change to cab driving

girlsyearapart Mon 22-Oct-12 19:15:29

doinmummy he is a yellow badge currently and has just passed the map test and has his first appearance beginning of November.

He works in the evening and weekend and studies all day.

We did agree to me doing the majority of the parenting while he does this but I thought it was to make a better life for us all afterward

Inadeeptrance Mon 22-Oct-12 19:27:36

YANBU. He, on the other hand is behaving like a total controlling arse, and it doesn't sound like he has any respect for you.

Put a rocket up his arse and don't let him walk over you!

girlsyearapart Mon 22-Oct-12 19:34:55

It is so hard. He is making out that he is giving me loads of choices and he has none

Dozer Mon 22-Oct-12 19:36:07

He is being unreasonable, and it sounds like you need to discuss and review "the deal" on your respective working hours and childcare/domestic contribution. You assumed that you would be a SAHM for a period of time then return to work, he assumed you would remain a SAHM (and in addition support his "non standard" working hours). Whatever was agreed or assumed, you don't agree now and need to sort it out.

In your shoes his being like this would make me think about returning sooner rather than later, and for more than two days a week, his comments reveal a lot about his general attitude towards you.

Dozer Mon 22-Oct-12 19:39:04

But before the debate with him I would thoroughly investigate prospects and practicalities of returning to teaching after a career break in your area - if, for example, it is likely to prove v difficult to get a PT teachng job you may need to think further yourself about your job options before any arguments!

Aboutlastnight Mon 22-Oct-12 19:43:02

What is wrong with these men?

So many threads like this!

He decided to have children and yes it will mean you both make compromises.

You damn well go back to work

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