AIBU to leave him even though I still love him?(10 Posts)
Ok, I've been with DP for around a year, not living together, anniversary is coming up in next week or so.
Will try not to dripfeed so bare with me.
When we met, I basically fell for him straight away, I know its silly, it wasn't exactly love at first sight, but it was certainly close. I was just in the middle of a really bad depression stage, so bad I was cutting and he helped me out of it, he was so patient and kind and exactly what I needed. Things were brilliant for a while, he seemed to want to be with me all the time, it made me feel so beautiful and loved and I was so happy. I have so much love for him, but recently, over the summer, some problems have cropped up. Things I never noticed before.
1) I'm starting to feel a little suffocated by him, it's so lovely that he wants to see me so much, but he worries so much when i don't answer my phone or texts, he doesn't really give me any time to myself. For instance I was out with a friend going to meet some of her friends, and he basically started worrying about not being able to see me that day, and guilt-tripped me into agreeing that he could come along with us. My friend was a little bit pissed as she claimed "he invited himself." Then he just stood awkwardly, didn't talk to anyone, then left halfway through saying I was ignoring him and clearly didn't want him there.
2) He isn't really... going places. Has no A levels, Btech instead, bad GCSE's, no aspirations, and i feel like he sort of... envy's me because I'm relatively academic, and went to university and got good grades in school. But then I worked hard for them, throughout his studies he told me he barely tried. I'm not sure I want to be with a guy who has this kind of work ethic now that I think about it.
3) He sort of expects sex whenever he is ready, no matter if I am. not a major point but it's there. Also not the best at it iyswim.
4)There's just something missing. I don't know what it is, it was there and now it's not. Maybe it's the romance. Anyway i just feel sort of lost without it.
5) He used to be so funny when we were friends, could always make me laugh. Now he just doesn't even try.
6) He's a bit socially awkward. i love sociallising now, i feel like I missed out when I was a teenager because of my depression, so I love going out with friends now while i can. He just doesn't try to go out or meet my friends, or talk to them. They all make an effort with him but he responds minimally.
Don't get me wrong, I love him, so much, but I was thinking to myself the other day, I don't want this sort of life for the rest of my life. He's been talking about marriage a lot recently. I don't know if I should stick it out and hope it gets better, or if I should break it off now while I still have the chance. :S Help please x
It is not going to get better.
In the last year, has your relationship gotten better and better, or the opposite?
There are not many positives in that post op. Unless he can give you the space you need then you should end it I think. Can you see it getting better? Sounds like you have grown up and moved on but he hasn't.
Points 1 and 3 are the most concerning to me. It sounds very controlling behaviour.
To me he sounds like a 'rescuer'. He sounds like the type of man who needs someone to be dependent on him, someone he can 'rescue', possibly just the type you needed when you first met. However, now you're feeling stronger you're realising that he possibly isn't the right man for you. He sounds a little possessive to me, which isn't a good thing.
His attitude to work seems to be totally different to yours so you may find that would become more of a problem as time goes on.
I disagree with you about #3 not being a major factor. It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you tbh. The way he doesn't consider your needs concerns me, he sounds very selfish.
It sounds like he's stopped making an effort. I think you may start to see a different side to him if you continue the relationship.
These are just a few thoughts and someone else will probably be along soon, if not already, to give theirs.
Just one more thing...do not stay in a relationship just because you feel you should. If you have the slightest doubt then walk away.
You don't sound suited.
I had a great friend who was fun to be with. We fell in love and suddenly we weren't laughing any more. We were both insecure. He felt me pulling away from him, so he became a bit obsessed with where I was, who I was with etc. We just dragged each other down. I broke it off and we are both much happier now with our separate lives.
If you think about whether or not any of this is making you or him happy, you'll know what to do.
Yanbu. The relationship isn't working for you on lots of levels. He does not sound like good husband material. I would move on.
one word - codependent - now you need to move on
Have you seen sex and the city where Samantha feels like she should stay in the relationship with hot Jared because he stayed with her through cancer? Your post reminded me of that. Just because he helped you through a mental illness does not mean that you are duty bound to stay with him. You say 'he was exactly what I needed'. He was and is no longer. I think you'll both be happier in the long run if you end it now.
Most of the things you've said are quite open to interpretation, two sides to every story, noones perfect type stuff. But, point 3 sounds quite worrying to me, and then makes points 1 and 6 sound 10 times worse.
Only you know the full picture and noone can really tell you what to do but just be careful, sounds very much like the start of my dv relationship before it escalated into dv.
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